I wouldn't exactly call that sitting
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: Xander is chosen... To babysit Dawn while Joyce joins Giles searching for Buffy in LA following the Alcatha incident. Unfortunately for Xander, Dawn has a plan, The Mayor has a spell, and TV has its first live broadcast Reality Show!
1. Chapter 1

**I Wouldn't Exactly Call that Sitting**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any TV series, Movie, or Video Game franchise. I'm pretty sure that covers every possible crossover. Cheers! **

"I'll be back Monday," Joyce said while checking her purse to make sure she had her car keys with her. "Dawn is upstairs getting ready for bed, though I'm sure she'll never reach it and you'll both be passed out on the sofa by the time the sun rises."

"Why Mrs. Summers, I'm shocked that you think so little of me," Xander mock protested.

"You mean you don't plan on keeping her up until her namesake?"

Xander grinned evilly. "I plan on running her ragged." Unnoticed by Xander Dawn appeared at the head of the stairs. "I expect to have her collapsed spread eagle on the living room floor panting for breath by no later than three AM, begging for sleep."

Dawn's face discovered a new shade of red.

"All I request is that she be alive and well when I get home," Joyce said, giving Xander a hug and trying not to grin at her daughter's expression.

"She will be," Xander said firmly as he returned the hug with a seriousness that was probably out of place outside a warzone, but fit Sunnydale rather well.

"There should be plenty of food in the fridge and I've got some prepared meals you just have to heat up but knowing the two of you I also put an envelope under the phone with money so you two can pig out on pizza if you wish," Joyce said, letting go.

"I'm sure we'll be fine with the money you already gave me."

"That's money for watching Dawn. It kind of defeats the purpose of paying you if you spend it on Dawn."

"I'd rather spend it on having a good time with her. I never need to be paid to spend time with Dawn."

Dawn's smile was so wide her cheeks probably hurt, Joyce thought, smiling at Xander.

"About this time I would probably say something about how I should be paying you to spend time with her, but Giles has been working with me on thinking before I speak and I can see where that could be misconstrued, because what I mean is that Dawn is more fun than a bag full of puppies."

Joyce couldn't tell if Xander was being serious or just trying to make her laugh, but between that and Dawn doing some sort of victory dance at the head of the stairs, she lost it and started laughing.

"Thanks, I needed that," Joyce said gratefully. "Between Buffy running away and dealing with … reality not being what I thought it was, I really needed that."

"She'll be fine," Xander promised her. "Not only is she off the Hellmouth, so the demons are weaker, but it's the summer lull when things are at their quietest. Besides, Giles still has a bunch of prophecies that talk about her, so we know she'll be back."

"If he knows she'll be back, why is he spending all his free time searching for her?"

Xander shrugged. "He said that just because she'll be back is no reason to leave her to deal with her loss by herself."

Joyce shook off the shock of having a conversation where prophecies were a serious subject and replied, "Sometimes that man is alright."

Xander grinned. "His main focus is to keep Buffy alive and well, but he treats us all like we're his kids at times."

"But he sends you out to fight demons," Joyce argued.

"Unless we need him to find some information, or figure out how to kill the latest demon, he's right there with us. Except when we have to blend in of course, he sucks at that."

"B-but you're all so young and it's so dangerous," Joyce worried.

Xander shrugged. "Of my kindergarten class, about a dozen have made it to high school. They didn't know about the demons or fight them – they simply died. My point is this, what we do is dangerous, I won't lie to you, but if we hadn't fought not only would we probably be dead, but most of the world would be as well."

Joyce nodded. "I'm not saying you haven't done good work, I just wish the authorities were doing something about it."

Xander shrugged. "Most of the people who see what's what repress things better than an altar boy who spends the night at Michael Jackson's house. I'd say it's like magic, but it probably is magic. Of the rest, they either go insane or take up arms like we do. So if you got the majority of the military to actually see what's going on … well the crazy people would probably cause as much damage as the demons do."

"So you're safer fighting than not? That doesn't make much sense."

He shrugged. "We live in a crazy world. I'd love to live in a world where demons didn't exist and corpses didn't mack on teenage girls, but we don't. There's probably some big picture thing that I'm not getting that'd make all of this seem rational – but you'd have to ask Giles for it. Just be sure to let me know if you find one."

Joyce nodded. "I'll be sure to do that. Remember you can have your girlfriend or Willow over if you like."

Xander shrugged. "I am once again single. Cordy held out for quite a bit, but apparently her parents finally met her price for breaking up with me."

"You're kidding!"

Xander shook his head. "Brand new Vette – Candy Apple Red, a two month vacation at club med in the Bahamas, and a beach house in Malibu."

"You don't sound all that upset," Joyce observed, remembering what had happened the last time Cordelia had broken up with him and blushing a little.

"Well it's hard to feel bad when someone puts that big a price tag on a relationship with you. We come from such different worlds that fighting demons was more comfortable than dealing with each other's parents. So it's not like I expected us to think about anything even remotely long term for about a decade. I insisted it be in her name and that they added prepaid college tuition, just to annoy them a bit, but it seemed to have the opposite effect. They almost approved of me for it! At any rate, I swore I would no longer pursue a romantic relationship with her, but that I would still consider her a friend."

"That's a very mature response," Joyce said while Dawn examined her bedclothes, a set of flannel PJs, and grinned before vanishing back down the hall.

Joyce briefly considered warning him, but decided not to. They both needed a distraction from recent events and this would keep them occupied, as well as provide some excellent opportunities to tease and embarrass them later.

"I know, shocked me too," Xander joked. "But seriously, you just find Buffy – me and Dawn will be fine."

"Will do," Joyce promised as she headed out with renewed hope of finding her daughter and high spirits.

*** * ***

The Mayor i.e. Richard Wilkins the first, second and third, hummed brightly as he washed off his hands – making sure to clean under the nails. He hated trying to get dried blood out from under his nails, so he was always sure to do a thorough job while it was still wet. Much more hygenic that way too.

He dried his hands with a paper towel. he didn't care what anyone claimed, hand dryers simply didn't work. They always left him with damp hands, as if he'd had a hard time aiming while using the facilities.

Sometimes the old ways were best, while at others a little innovation was nice – for instance the spell he'd just finished performing, it was a promising variation on the standard scrying spell. Instead of having to use expensive crystals or rare liquids it used local resources i.e. video cameras.

Richard had planned ahead and installed traffic cameras at every intersection, and in places no one would think to look for them, so he could watch over the town, but monitoring all the cameras to keep track of the Slayer would use up resources he'd much rather expend on other matters – like insuring the Sunnydale orphanage had an on call nurse, so the children would grow up healthy and strong, or having a limestone pit set up for the Lau'kyel demon next to the orphanage, so it wouldn't snack on children that would be missed.

Being Mayor required making hard choices and sacrifices, Richard thought to himself, as he entered his office – carefully stepping around the pentagram that held the remains of his secretary, so he wouldn't get blood on his shoes.

Settling into his chair he hit the button for the Deputy Mayor.

"Yes sir?" came the reply through the intercom.

The Mayor smiled cheerfully. "I need the latest update on the Slayer and a new secretary from the temp pool. Oh, and let the janitor know he'll need an extra large Hefty bag …" his voice trailed off as his dead secretary twitched and stood up, not even buttoning up her shirt to conceal the hole in her chest before stumbling out the door.

"Sir?"

"Cancel that last bit, tell him to just bring a mop and some extra Lysol to clean up the blood trail."

"Yes sir. Our latest report on the Slayer actually comes from LA. It appears that after destroying Angelus and taking care of the Acathla situation she decided to hop the bus to LA," Finch reported.

"Don't we have someone monitoring the bus station at night?" Wilkins asked.

"Yes sir, he's down in the morgue. Apparently one of our night shift citizens drained him."

"Was there blood in his mouth?" The Mayor asked curiously.

The sounds of papers being shuffled could be heard over the intercom before Finch responded, "Yes sir, there was blood found in his mouth and the coroner said it wasn't his blood type. It looks like he's been turned, sir."

"Excellent, have someone ready to greet him when he rises with a bag of blood and be sure to let him know he's no longer allowed to take sick days. Three days to rise is covered under our maternity leave policy, strangely enough, but that's it. Also remind him that the 90 days cancellation clause is still in effect, so if he wants to quit he still has to notify me three months in advance."

"Yes sir, will that be all?"

"I believe so. Have a nice night Finch, and I'll see you bright and early Monday morning."

"Thank you, night sir."

The Mayor looked at the pool of blood that his secretary had left behind and wondered what was so important to her that she'd rise as a revenant and not attempt to revenge herself on her former employer. "A good boss doesn't dig into his employees' personal lives," he reminded himself aloud before gathering his things to go home.

"A shame the poor dear wasn't home. That was a waste of some perfectly good Slayer's blood. Ah well, I'll just have to have another blood drive at the highschool. I'm sure Principal Snyder will be able to ensure she donates blood again. Unpleasant fellow, but effective."

The mayor stepped into the shadows and vanished, leaving the final step of the spell unfinished – the step that would have focused the output of the spell into just where he wanted it to go.

*******

Dawn took a deep breath and started down the stairs, determined to make Xander see her as a mature woman. She'd put on a little bit of makeup and a night shirt that went down to her knees, which was a little tight in the chest region. She knew she didn't have the curves Cordelia did, but then few girls did and Xander had been attracted to her sister – which meant he should be attracted to her since she looked a bit like her sister – right? Right!

Xander smiled brightly at her as she came down the stairs, his eyes never leaving her face.

She wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing. Sure, he didn't seem to notice her breasts, such as they were (grow already damn it!), but he was happy to see her.

"Xander!" she yelled, completely forgetting she was trying to make him see her as a mature woman before she got within three feet of him, as she sprang off the stairs at him.

Xander was well used to this type of behavior and caught her easily, swinging her up and around to bleed off momentum and make her squeal, before tossing her into the air and catching her bridal style. "So, how's my favorite girl?"

Dawn melted against him. "A bit sad about Buffy being gone, but also mondo pissed at her," she admitted.

"Why pissed?"

"Angel snuck in here a couple of times. I thought she was still dating the creep, but nooo, it turns out he's a monster who could have killed us!" Dawn admitted, as Xander carried her into the livingroom and sat down on the sofa, still holding her.

"Has anyone told you the whole story?" Xander asked.

Dawn shook her head negatively and leaned against his chest.

Xander sighed. "Once upon a time there was an evil vampire named Angelus with his brother William and sisters Drusilla and Darla. They rained down death and destruction on Europe – earning their title: The Scourge of Europe."

"A fairy tale?" Dawn asked, grinning up at him. Sure, it was a bit childish to enjoy fairy tales but Xander liked telling them as much as she liked hearing them.

"Yep, it's easier to tell it that way and I get to skip a bunch of boring facts," Xander explained. "Angelus and his family raged across Europe for over a hundred years, until they stumbled upon a gypsy camp."

Dawn laughed. "They were stupid enough to mess with gypsies?"

"They were indeed that stupid," he replied. "Drusilla the Mad Seer and William the Bloody Awful Poet had stopped for a picnic of poets and poetry contest judges, so neither was there to tell them that messing with the gypsies was a bad idea."

"Morons," Dawn muttered against Xander's chest.

"So, Angelus of the Angelic Face, and Darla of the Negotiable Affections, descended upon the camp biting and killing everyone. Unfortunately for them one of the girls they caught and killed was special to the tribe. We don't know her name, but I suspect it was Jana," Xander said sadly.

"Why?"

"Because that's generally how these things go," Xander admitted. "Princess Jana lay dead, and the tribes gathered together to mourn and determine what to do to her killer."

"It should involve chainsaws," Dawn growled.

"Chainsaws had not been invented yet unfortunately." Xander grinned and gave Dawn a squeeze. "They decided to give the vampire Angelus back his soul."

"What about Darla?"

"Darla, the Hanger Around on Street Corners in the Evening, was ignored. I'm guessing they figured punishing Angelus who she loved so much would be punishment enough."

"Wait, I thought you were your soul?" Dawn asked as the thought hit her.

"Very true, so what the gypsies did was rip the soul of the man who owned the body out of the afterlife and stuff him into the body alongside the demon – turning what was once a dangerous vampire into a vampire that felt guilt over everything it had been proud of the day before."

"The man made the vampire regret its actions?" she asked.

"The man was put in charge of the body and given all of the vampire's memories so it thought that it was the vampire."

"How does that punish the vampire?"

"The vampire was forced to feel everything the man felt, it could see hear and feel everything but it couldn't do anything. The vampire became a helpless passenger in the body – a body that was suddenly emo!"

Dawn giggled. "So what happened?"

"The rest of the Scourge of Europe rejected the newly coined Angel and he moved from place to place; hiding in the dark, brooding and eating rats."

"No killing humans or demons?"

"Nope, just rats. Then one day a demon appeared and told him it had something to show him."

"That can't be good," Dawn muttered into his shirt.

"Well … Yes and no," Xander admitted. "For the demon was a balance demon and it was his job to make Angel seek redemption for all the crimes Angelus did."

"Does that make any sense? I mean the soul didn't do all that much, it was the demon," Dawn pointed out.

"Not really, but it is what happened and Angel bears at least a little guilt, for letting the demon Angelus loose."

"True," Dawn agreed, snuggling into Xander's chest once more.

Xander smiled and gave Dawn another squeeze. "The demon Whistler showed Angel a 14 year old girl, the Chosen One who did not yet know her calling and he fell in love."

"How old was he?" Dawn asked.

"He, being the man, was in his mid twenties when he died and had been brooding as a vampire for a century."

"I'm thinking the age gap is bigger than the Grand Canyon. I can see two to three years being unimportant at our age, and half a dozen being ignorable when you're in your mid twenties – but a century when you're my age?!" Dawn snorted.

"I'm the last one to disagree with you there," Xander agreed, not catching the smile she had developed at his agreement. "But to be fair to Deadboy …"

"Do we have to?" she teased.

Xander laughed. "Just a little. Vampires don't change much as times go by, they don't age physically and it seems to apply to their mental age as well. So Angel, for all intents and purposes, can be considered a 17th Century mid twenties male."

"A twenty five year old man hitting on a fourteen year old girl is still a bit much."

"Well, in his day and age Buffy was not only of marriageable age, but in danger of becoming an old maid and despite all that he still resisted her advances. So, while he was attracted he didn't start dating her until a year later and held off anything more intimate until she was seventeen. I can at least respect him for that."

"Isn't sixteen legal?" Dawn asked, having read up on the subject.

"If he was only a few years off age wise it would have been," Xander agreed.

"Well, back to the story please," Dawn requested.

"So the souled vampire Angel settled into Sunnydale and waited for the Slayer's appearance. He was determined to help her, but not get involved. Unfortunately for him, Buffy, being in some ways the typical teenage girl …"

"Hey!" Dawn yelped.

"Found the whole tortured soul, brooding, angsty stalker type, to be just what she was looking for in a boyfriend. The part where he was a walking corpse who could never have children or walk in the daylight was completely unimportant to her, as she was convinced she was doomed to die young, since she was the Slayer. I don't get the whole tall, dark older male attraction," Xander admitted.

"I'll tell you when you're older," Dawn promised, mimicking her mother and making him laugh.

"So, the Slayer dated the souled vampire, they fell in love – a bunch of stuff not germane to the story happened, the curse broke and Angel was gone only to be replaced by his evil twin Angelus."

Completely unnoticed by either of the two a nanny cam installed by Ted, shortly before Buffy had dismantled him, had come on and began broadcasting, shortly before they'd sat down.

**AN: Thank godogma for the typing and me for the typos!**


	2. Chapter 2

**I Wouldn't Exactly Call that Sitting Chapter 2**

"So Angel of the emo was replaced by Angelus the evil and Buffy didn't do anything?"

Xander shrugged. "The man she loved was dead. Well, he was always dead... let's try that again, imagine you fell in love with someone."

Dawn smiled and hugged him a little tighter which he naively thought meant she was thinking of one of the boys at her school.

"Now imagine he suddenly does a complete 180 personality wise. Sure you know his soul is gone, but the demon has his body, mind, memories, and mannerisms making it hard not to see him as his other self."

Dawn shivered, her ear pressed against Xander's chest as she listened intently to his heartbeat – her smile gone.

"That was what Buffy was facing, and to make matters worse Angelus was a true Master vampire, every bit her equal in battle, even when she wasn't having a hard time raising her hand against him," Xander explained sadly.

"If you were turned, what would you want done to the vampire wearing your face?" Dawn asked.

"Stake him," Xander said instantly. "If there is a monster wearing my face and stalking everyone I care about I want it gone. If you are ever faced with a vampire Xander kill it. I don't want you getting hurt because of me."

"Wouldn't Angel have wanted the same?" Dawn asked.

Xander smiled a little. "Yeah I think he would."

"So she should have staked him," she said firmly.

"For Buffy to do that she'd have to admit he was gone and Angelus …" Xander sighed. "Angelus was such a crazy moron; killing Willow's goldfish, sneaking in here to leave a picture of Buffy sleeping on her bed, it took her killing someone Buffy knew to make her admit that Angel was gone and she wasn't getting him back."

"Miss Calendar?" Dawn asked.

"Her actual name was Jana Kalderash and Giles was deeply in love with her. She was chosen by her people to watch over Angel and make sure he stayed miserable so the curse wouldn't be broken. Unfortunately she never counted on Buffy falling in love with him. Buffy, unlike most Slayers, can only sense vampires when on her period – don't ask me why, so she got to know him as a person before finding out he was a vamp otherwise none of this would have happened."

"I'd like to think my sister wouldn't start chasing a man twice her age, because that's seriously trampy. It's like those high school girls who go to frat parties and are surprised to find out they got drunk and had sex with half the room."

Xander laughed nervously.

Dawn lifted her head off Xander's chest and stared him in the eyes. "Xander... Did you go to a sorority house and get drunk and end up having sex with half the girls there?"

"No. No!" Xander swore. "I went to a fraternity house to save Buffy, Cordelia, and Harmony from a snake demon."

Dawn groaned. "Great, my older sister is a tramp."

Xander winced. "She's not that bad."

"She chases after way older men and goes to frat house parties... What would you call her?"

He cleared his throat but didn't answer her question. "How about we get back to the story?"

Dawn sighed. "Fine, but edit out any more details that make my sister look like little Miss Susie Round Heels, please."

Xander paused and went over the story in his head while wondering exactly how they'd reached this point.

Dawn groaned as Xander was thinking over the story. "There are that many bits?!"

"No!" he quickly promised. "I'm just wondering how we got from, terrible things happened to Buffy, to God what kind of tramp is she?"

"It's the dating much older guys bit to start. He was way too old for her and then it turns out that my sister goes to places that people only go to get drunk and have sex!"

"Well, being the Slayer is a death sentence," Xander pointed out. "She may have been rushing things so she could actually experience them before it was too late."

"Being alive is a death sentence," Dawn argued. "And that whole short life to live only works for a short period of time! After the first couple of years it's just not a good excuse anymore."

"She did die once already," Xander replied.

"So, how is she still walking around then?" Dawn asked skeptically.

"I know CPR." Xander grinned. "It was a whole big deal with the world's strongest vamp and she died, but I brought her back and she staked the vamp."

"Wow, she must have been really thankful for you saving her." Dawn smiled warmly at him.

Dawn's smile faded as she took in the closed expression on Xander's face. "She was thankful – right? Please, for the love of god, tell me she didn't go all emo and give you some speech about how you'd ripped her out of heaven or something?"

"No, she didn't give me a speech or anything like that," Xander promised and tried to change the subject, "Now Giles..."

But Dawn wasn't having any of it. "She said thanks, right?"

"Not exactly …" Xander hedged. "She was a little crazy from the whole 'I was dead' deal at the time."

"So what did she do?" Dawn asked in a tone that showed she was indeed Joyce's daughter.

Xander winced but replied, "She gave me a lap dance to make Angel jealous."

Dawn slumped back down and hugged Xander tightly. "Thank you for saving my slutty sister, you don't have to edit the story I'm fine with it."

"Buffy, who has saved my life many times..." Xander pointed out, rejoining the story.

"And has super powers so it doesn't count as much, and I'm damn sure she didn't pull you back from death itself," Dawn grumbled.

Xander winced. "Buffy grew angry when Jana revealed who she was and accused her of doing something to Angel before driving her from the group."

"How exactly did the curse get broken?" she asked suddenly.

"Well on Buffy's seventeenth birthday your virgin sister," Xander said, emphasizing the word virgin. "Gave her virginity to the man she loved and that moment of perfect happiness broke the curse," he said firmly.

"Virgin my ass," Dawn muttered. "I recall overhearing... Ok, I admit it I was listening in on the extension," she admitted. "My sister was telling one of her cheerleading friends that she had slept with the quarterback when she was a freshman in LA."

"Angelus was sure she was a virgin," Xander said.

"Well, he'd have to take her word for it wouldn't he?" Dawn pointed out. "Do you really think she still had her hymen with all the splits and kicks she did as a cheerleader? I've been in gymnastics for a couple of years and believe me when I say after the first split, it's all over."

Dawn blinked and looked at him strangely. "I know guys like to brag, but how did you and Angelus the dater of skanky older sisters, end up talking about it?"

"Remember when Buffy got the flu and was in the hospital? Well Angelus came by planning on turning her, we exchanged some words and he left."

"Was Buffy thankful for you saving her life that time? How did you get him to back off? Why would he tell me the state of my sister's virginity?" she quickly rattled off.

"Buffy doesn't know," Xander admitted.

"Wow, that lapdance must have SUCKED!" Dawn broke in.

Xander snickered. "You could say that. I don't know why he backed off, I wasn't even armed at the time, but I challenged him; he called me a White Knight, commented on sex with your sister and then left."

Dawn smiled. "Anyone who knows you knows you're a white knight."

"And then, while still sick, your sister hunted down an invisible demon that was killing babies in the hospital and slayed it," Xander said proudly.

"Ok." Dawn sighed. "I'll lay off my sister. Was it a fearsome demon?"

"Looked like the grim reaper complete with scythe, was invisible unless you were sick and was strong and quick," he replied. "A bit heavy too, she made me dispose of the body."

Dawn looked up at him and raised an eyebrow.

"What?" Xander asked nervously.

"You still have the invisible scythe don't you?" she asked knowingly.

"Kinda," he admitted.

Dawn frowned in thought before grinning. "It's lost in your room isn't it?"

"Let's see you try to find an invisible object in my room," Xander snorted.

Dawn grinned. "So my sister's behavior is not only fine, she's someone young girls like me should be like?"

"Yes, she's a good role model." Xander smiled. "She's a hero of mine."

"So as a high school freshman I should have sex with the quarterback of the football team?"

"Hearsay!" Xander said quickly. "I've often heard bragging from Harmony and Cordelia about something I know neither one has done."

"Really? What?" Dawn asked doubtfully.

"Me," Xander said firmly.

Dawn's smile grew. "Ok fine, I'll give you that, I know I don't even have to ask about dating a vampire because I'm not into dead things even if they still move but … I want your word you'll answer this question honestly."

Xander nodded but Dawn still waited until he sighed and raised his right hand. "I Xander, no admitted middle name Harris swear to answer one Dawn Summers question honestly and to the best of my ability."

"Good." Dawn grinned. "If I went to a frat house party what would you do?"

"Tire iron or baseball bat, five gallons of gasoline, some matches, and a twenty pound bag of salt," Xander said thoughtfully.

"Huh?"

"Oh, sorry," Xander lied. "I thought you said, what would I need."

"Need?" Dawn asked confused.

"Yep, to kneecap every single fratboy that got within ten feet of you, before burning the place down, pissing on the ashes, and salting the ground so nothing would ever grow again," Xander's tone was thoughtful, but his eyes danced as if he were picturing the flames and his grin would have made a number of people wet themselves.

Coincidentally he was staring directly into the nanny cam when he said that.

Dawn went back to snuggling her Xander quite happily, convinced his answer meant he cared more for her than Buffy.

"Fine, Buffy has many fine qualities that people would do well to emulate. Her choices in societal venue and dates not included," Xander said firmly.

"I also dislike her cartoon choices," Dawn pointed out.

"That's more along the lines of personal taste and completely subjective. I've always been a firm supporter of everyone watching whatever cartoon they like."

"Smurfs are evil," Dawn said shuddering.

"I will make a note of your preference and never subject you to them, but my point still stands," Xander said refusing to bend.

"That's all I ask," she replied agreeably.

After a few minutes of silence while Dawn quietly enjoyed her position Xander spoke up, "What was I doing?"

"Before we got sidetracked by my sister's bad points you were telling me a story about recent events."

"Where was I?" Xander asked.

"Buffy forced Jana out of the group," Dawn replied, repressing any comments about Buffy using her sluttiness to dispel an ancient curse.

"Giles loved Jana, but he felt betrayed that she hadn't confided in him, as did some of the others. Despite the fact that our group doesn't exactly share secrets either, unless forced to. Jana felt she had to redeem herself in Giles' eyes, even though she'd done no wrong and Giles had simply backed Buffy because as a Watcher his duty is to support his Slayer even above the dictates of his own heart."

Xander sighed. "So she requested and received the original spell that was used to curse Angelus over a century ago. Unfortunately it was in a forgotten gypsy language that no gypsy alive knew. The Nazi's and the Scourge of Europe had been hard on the Tribes, taking many branches and families before they could pass on their knowledge. Somehow Angelus got word of what she was doing, so he killed her and destroyed everything … Except one disc she managed to hide."

"Does this story have a happy ending?" Dawn asked hopefully.

"For a couple of people it's a sad ending, for the rest … well you'll just have to listen and see."

"Ok," she agreed.

"When I gave Buffy CPR and brought her back, a second Slayer had already been called. So Kendra, the second Slayer was called by Prophecy to join us and she brought with her a blessed sword and some incomprehensible writings that Giles had to translate."

"You guys sure do a lot of translating," Dawn said.

"You have no idea." Xander sighed. "Willow had discovered the disc Jana had hidden and finally deciphered it, so we all gathered in the school's library where she was going to recast the curse."

"Willow can cast ancient gypsy curses?"

Xander shrugged. "She was going to try and no one wanted to hear any naysaying."

"You didn't approve?" Dawn asked.

"A novice witch, unfamiliar magic, a curse which is bad juju to begin with, and ripping a soul out of the afterlife to make a demon suffer. No, it had BAD IDEA written in flaming letters ten feet high written all over it, but Buffy wanted Angel back and Willow seems to have become Buffy's follower, so my opinion was ignored."

"So what happened?"

"Buffy was lured off, despite requests to wait and not run off into another trap, as she always does. And as usual she decided to, as she always does. And once again it was just a distraction so they could attack the library. End result; Willow and Oz were knocked out, I was unconscious with an injured arm beneath a bookcase, Giles was kidnapped and Drusilla the Mad Seer enthralled and killed Kendra."

"Didn't they accuse Buffy of killing Kendra?" Dawn asked, remembering the cops talking to her.

"Buffy rejoined us just in time for the police to arrive and try to blame everything on her. Anyone with half a brain could see she didn't have anything to do with it, but it was on school property and the principal showed up yelling that Buffy did it, so the police went with the word of the only adult present and tried to arrest Buffy."

"She kicked their asses?" Dawn smirked.

"She kicked their asses," Xander confirmed. "Then vanished into the night, making her look even more guilty, while the rest of us were drug off to the hospital with Willow in a coma."

"Willow was in a coma?!"

"A mini-one. I brought her out of it," Xander assured her.

"How did you do that?"

"I reminded her she was my oldest and dearest friend and told her I loved her."

"And that worked?"

"She woke up after I said it and called out for Oz," Xander assured her.

"Ouch."

"I'm used to it," Xander assured her.

"Buffy did the same thing?" Dawn guessed.

"Yep. I forced Angel to lead me to the Master's cave at crossbow point, since he was convinced she was going to die because it was prophesized, and after I gave her CPR the first word out of her mouth was 'Angel'."

"You had to force him?" Dawn asked.

"Kinda sorta." Xander shrugged. "The cross and crossbow just got his attention, I then laid a guilt trip on him like you wouldn't believe and inspired him with a bit of 'man or monster' speech and he folded like a house of cards, He was convinced we were both going to die, but he was willing to try. I just kept the crossbow on him because it was fun and I dislike him."

"You have the worst luck with women," Dawn said.

"It's not that bad; I had a thing for your sister which has thankfully worn off as I got to know her -"

Dawn interrupted, "That sounded so bad." She snickered.

Xander laughed. "I just meant she became a good friend and I lost interest in dating her. There was Ms French, my science teacher who chained me up in her basement, but she turned into a giant praying mantis and your sister killed her."

"Ouch."

"Yeah, that was pretty bad, but I refused to give up! Next I dated a beautiful, intelligent and charming young girl who simply adored me, Ampata."

"She vanished and Buffy told mom she went home, but I saw Buffy moving her trunk out late one night, so I know something was up," Dawn shared.

"Turns out Ampata was the name of the male foreign exchange student who was supposed to be living with you. The Ampata we knew sucked out his life force and took his place, she was actually an Incan mummy – her people sacrificed her to keep their gods favor, not that it worked and she fell for me. Unfortunately she had to kill to survive and when we cornered the mummy in the museum and discovered it was her she was about to feed on Willow."

Dawn sighed. "You have some pretty rotten luck."

Xander nodded. "I told her not to drain Willow, but to drain me instead. Rather than let herself drain me she crumbled to dust."

"And once more you put yourself in danger to save a girl," she pointed out.

"Two girls. Something about the way Ampata said she needed to drain Willow so we could be together made me think she only needed to drain one last person, so I made my offer to save Ampata as well as Willow. Ampata was just 17 when her people sacrificed her, and she went along willingly to save them. The lives of those chosen to do great things are hard and I think she deserved better. Love and loss seems to be a common theme around here."

"One doesn't have to lead to the other!" Dawn protested.

"Maybe not," Xander allowed."But back to the story."

"The vamps had snagged Giles and Drusilla was sending him visions of Jana, asking him how to awaken a demon turned to stone that would suck the whole world into hell. They'd tried to torture the information out of him to no avail, so Dru's mind tricks were all they had left."

"Can I introduce Dru to a chainsaw?" Dawn asked.

"She'd probably say hello and try to get it to kiss her hand before inviting it in for tea." Xander chuckled. "Dru is called, the Mad Seer for a reason, she was tortured into insanity before she was turned by Angelus."

"So I shouldn't hate her?" Dawn asked.

Xander shrugged. "She's dangerous, deadly, and a few other d words both good and bad, but I blame Angelus for her actions. He's the one who tortured and turned her. Whether you hate her or not, remember first and foremost she is a vampire and would kill everyone you love, or maybe just give them a bouquet of kitten heads. She's really unpredictable."

"Ok... One to avoid as much for the confusing ethical considerations as well as for the danger," Dawn admitted.

"It gets worse too," Xander warned her.

"William the Bloody Awful Poet had earned a new name, Spike. He earned his name because he managed to kill two Slayers in hand to hand combat and liked to torture people to death with railroad spikes."

"Ewww..."

"Yeah, pretty much. He made a deal with Buffy, he would help her stop the end of the world if she would allow him and Dru to leave."

"He didn't want the world to end?"

"Nope, he likes things the way they are. He considers humans nothing more than food and likes his place on top of the food chain living in the world that humans created. See, if the world goes to hell then all the demons here drop to just above humans, as greater demons consider them food as well."

"How practical of him," Dawn said.

Xander nodded. "Spike is a very dangerous vampire, not only because Dru sometimes tells him what's coming, but because he's a practical man … er vamp, who actually plans for the future and for things to go wrong."

"So, what happened oh man of a thousand detours?" Dawn asked, ignoring the fact that she was responsible for half of those detours herself.

Xander chuckled. "Willow told me she was going to try the soul curse again, despite my objections and to let Buffy know."

"She'd just awoke from a coma and the fate of the world was in my sister's hands and Willow decided it was a good idea to screw up her concentration like that?"

"Yep. She thinks Buffy and Angel are a romantic couple, like Romeo and Juliet and I agree."

Dawn looked him in the eye before she buried her face in his chest and groaned, settling down and speaking again from her favorite spot with her ear over his heart, "She means she thinks its romantic, and you mean its doomed and filled with tragedy and death."

"Yep, and I've been right. So far their 'romance' has cost the lives of about a hundred people little miss detour, and now back to the story. I went to provide backup for Buffy – a chunk of concrete about the only weapon I could find, I told Buffy that Willow was out of her coma, but I paused, realizing, as you did, that telling her about the spell would just distract her. So I told her that Willow said kick his ass instead. Of course Willow would never say that and we both knew it."

"So, was Buffy mad?"

"Nah, we both knew it was from concern for her and the fact that this was for all the chips. I mean, if Buffy lost and Angelus won, then dying quickly would be the best anyone could hope for. Buffy knew it, so she centered herself and we went in."

"We got rid of the minions and found Giles. Buffy told me to get him to safety and I had to half carry him out, because he'd been tortured pretty badly. He told us the secret of how to close the portal, so she went after Angelus while I got Giles to the car. He was in pretty bad shape, but pointed out that the vamps torturing him were experts in keeping people alive and I needed to help Buffy."

"That is one tough school librarian," Dawn said with a touch of awe.

"Don't I know it." Xander chuckled. "So I went back in and found Buffy and Angelus fighting in front of the slowly growing portal. Angelus had opened the portal and unless we stopped it the world was going to hell."

Dawn shivered at his grim tone.

"Buffy got the upper hand and had Angelus dead to rights, which was good since she needed Angelus to close the portal and before I could even step forward there was a flare of light and Angel was back, then confused and horrified, Buffy kissed him and sacrificed him, sending the man she loved to hell to save the world."

"Ok, I'm pretty sure that leaves the happy ending question at a firm No," Dawn stated.

"I'm not so sure about that." Xander argued. "The world is still spinning; Willow and Oz are fine, Giles is recovering nicely, I have no current head injuries …" Xander trailed off, wondering what else he could say.

"Kendra is dead."

"Then a new Slayer will be called, one worthy enough to take her place," Xander said firmly.

"Hopefully," Dawn said.

"Sometimes you just have to have faith."

*** * ***

Faith and her Watcher Linda just stared at the screen for a moment, before Faith turned to Linda and said three things, "One, you guys got lousy operational security. Two, now I think I can do this thing. Three, before we go any further I wanna meet this guy."

Linda nodded, wondering how in the world this had gotten broadcast.

*** * ***

"See it's not really an ending, since the world is still spinning and our hearts are still beating. Buffy will come back when she's feeling better, which will probably be sometime near the end of summer, and since the summer is pretty much a quiet time for us here on the Hellmouth, we should be fine," Xander reassured Dawn.

The front door shook as something started pounding on it.

"Then again, I could be wrong," Xander admitted.

*** * ***

"What kind of show is this?" one of the cameramen asked, as the stations crew were watching fascinated.

"I'm not sure," the station manager admitted. "But it's coming in on the emergency broadcast frequency and FCC regulations mean we have to let it air and send it on."

"Gotta be illegal."

"Not our call, besides the ratings are great."

*** * ***

The necromatic scrying spell that the Mayor cast should have failed, since it was directed where Buffy wasn't, but unbeknownst to the Mayor, Dawn was created from the Slayer's blood, making her a valid target for the spell.

Ted, the homicidal fifties dad trapped in an android's body, had installed a nanny cam in the Summers' living room before Buffy had dismantled him. He'd never turned it on, but the spell had, sending the feed to the computer in Ted's basement.

The computer in Ted's basement, getting no response from Ted on his regular frequency assumed there was either a failure in Ted's primary receiver or interference and switched to the preprogrammed backup channel the original Ted had put in. A channel that had since been claimed by the FCC as an emergency broadcast frequency.

The five television stations within range of the signal had followed FCC regulations regarding the broadcast, which were made under the arrogant notion that no one would use an FCC frequency for a pirate broadcast.

The FCC regulations said it preempted what anyone was showing and to pass the feed on to their network affiliates.

The FCC didn't realize it was being broadcast under their authority; the networks didn't care as they were just showing reruns anyway. They did however add commercials after the first half hour – the revenue would more than make up for any possible fines after all.

The show went live on every channel in California within three minutes of Xander sitting down with Dawn in his lap, and all over the US in five.

**AN: Thank godogma for the typing and me for the typos!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Xander quickly stood up and set Dawn on her feet. "Get dressed in clothes that are comfortable and you don't mind getting stuff on … also running shoes, 'kay?" he said assuming the worst.

"'Kay," Dawn promised, running up the stairs as Xander flipped the deadbolt shut on the door and looked through the peephole at what was on the other side.

"Xander?" Dawn's voice came down the stairs.

"Yeah?" he called back, peeking out the living room window and seeing a couple of lone zombies slowly heading their way to join the one pounding on the front door.

"You might want to see this," she called down nervously.

Xander an up the stairs, expecting the worst, but found Dawn completely unshoed and no zombies in sight, unfortunately … Dawn pointed at a wooden mask with glowing yellow eyes on the wall. "This is not a night light."

"I don't suppose you have a blessed container of some kind?" he asked, knowing better than to touch a glowing anything with his hands and recalling Giles' speech on cursed items.

"I don't …" Dawn's voice trailed off for a moment as she thought about it before her eyes lit up. "Wait here!"

Xander examined the mask carefully without touching it or looking straight into its eyes, wary of any type of hypnotic effect.

Dawn quickly returned with a square leather container with a zipper along its side that looked like it had contained a book, but was just large enough to fit over the mask.

Xander closed it around the mask, careful not to touch it with his skin before zipping it closed.

The leather immediately began to darken and the front cover twisted and formed into a demonic face, much worse than the mask had been but minus the glow.

"Glad I didn't touch it with my bare hands," Xander said.

"Yeah," Dawn agreed wide eyed. Sure she'd known about the supernatural, but she'd never seen anything like this before.

"Get dressed, I'll grab some weapons and meet you downstairs," Xander ordered before ducking into Buffy's room and finding Buffy's weapons chest devoid of most of its contents.

Sighing he grabbed a couple of stakes and a couple of vials of holy water, thankful that they weren't completely defenseless.

Xander went back downstairs, setting the "book" on the coffee table and peeked out the curtains once more. He was quite happy to note the zombies were still as slow moving as ever. Dumping out most of the contents of his backpack he quickly stuffed the "book" inside and put it on.

The banging on the door was annoying, but there wasn't anything he could do about that, since he didn't have any weapons that could take out a zombie.

Dawn came downstairs dressed in a pair of dark brown shorts and an olive green tanktop with a pair of brown hiking boots. Not clothes he would have chosen, but better than whatever Buffy usually wore. It almost looked familiar for some reason.

"So, what do we do now?" Dawn asked.

"Well, we need weapons and we can't stay here because eventually the zombies will get in. So, we head for someplace with weapons and leave a message on Giles' answering machine," Xander said thoughtfully.

"Out the back then," Dawn said and the two quickly snuck out the back door.

* * *

The phone rang until the answering machine eventually picked it up, "Xander, it's Joyce – when you get this message call me on my cell it's important."

* * *

Joyce closed her cell phone. "No answer. Xander was pretty adamant that revealing the truth to the world was a bad idea, so I doubt he knows that they're being broadcast," she said, leaning back in the booth she was sharing with Giles as the entire bar watched the broadcast that had pre-empted the big game. "Did I miss anything?"

"No, Dawn just got him to swear to answer a question truthfully," Giles replied, sipping his drink and wondering how much chaos this was going to cause.

Joyce smiled widely as she heard Xander's response to Dawn's question.

* * *

"Why aren't we running?" Dawn asked, confused as the two snuck out the back yard and walked openly down the street.

"They're zombies," Xander explained, "the only way they can catch us is if one of us sprains an ankle or we stay in one place long enough for them to catch up."

"Suddenly all the excitement and terror of being chased by a zombie horde has vanished," Dawn said thoughtfully as she snagged one of his hands.

He grinned and swung their joined hands back and forth as they walked. "Well, there is the tiny little problem that they never stop coming. Like the fictional mail man neither sleet nor snow nor gloom of night will stay their appointed rounds."

"And now it's back," Dawn groaned. "Wait! What do you mean mail men are fictional?"

"I mean that, despite pictorial evidence, I have yet to see an actual mail man and considering they have pictures of Superman … I have my doubts."

"I'm pretty sure they exist, every morning at 5:30AM someone delivers mail to our house."

"There's a 5:30AM now?" Xander asked, looking like someone had just told him dodos weren't extinct they'd just hidden themselves by dressing up as penguins.

"I believe there's one at least five times a week," Dawn confirmed. "I'm surprised you never noticed."

"Like all good little demon hunters I believe in going to bed by 3AM since I have to get up for school at 7."

"You only get four hours of sleep a night?!" she exclaimed.

"Yeah, I rely on my normal school day to provide for an extra three," he explained.

"How does that work?" Dawn asked.

"Well history is nice and relaxing, and the teacher has almost given up on getting any kind of productive output from me, so unless there is a quiz I can pass out for an hour."

"And you're not failing?"

"Nah, Wills takes great notes so I generally scrape by with a C."

"So five minutes with Willow's notes and you score as well as the average student in history."

"It's an advanced placement history class, so most students are aiming for a B or better to decorate their transcripts. As a solid C student I score below the jocks and cheerleaders, sadly enough."

"Ok, that's one hour."

"I also take an advanced placement math class, with Wills once more, and through hard work and perseverance …"

"You've done so well that the teacher cuts you some slack?" Dawn interrupted.

Xander snickered. "No – I have almost broken her will to live. I get the occasional detention, but I'm pretty sure she's dead inside."

"That's two," Dawn said.

"Unless we're staring down the barrel of an apocalypse, Giles lets me sleep in the stacks during my free period."

Dawn grinned. "Being a slacker sounds like a lot of hard work."

Xander actually stopped for a moment before Dawn pulled him onward. "Well you have to take into account the demon hunting and Willow."

"I get demon hunting, meaning you have to cram as much studying as possible into a single session because of all the time it takes up, but what has Willow got to do with anything?"

"Willow is my bud," he said firmly. "She's family I've chosen for myself, and Willow would be disappointed in me if I failed and disappointed in herself for letting me fail."

"So, you're a hard working slacker?"

"And proud of it!" Xander announced grandly.

The two continued on, unaware of the traffic cameras tracking them, which relayed every word they said to a growing television audience.

* * *

"Any ideas on the book?" Joyce asked, guessing the leather bound object was a book.

"Looks like the Necronomicon," the waitress suggested, overhearing their conversation as she delivered another round to the pair.

"The Necronomicon looks nothing like that," Giles responded, knowing what the actual book looked like.

"I think she's right," One of the guys at the bar said. "I remember seeing it in a couple of Bruce Campbell movies and it looked just like that. Hey! The kid kinda looks like him too!"

* * *

"So, where we going?" Dawn asked.

"We need weapons and wheels, I have an idea for where we can get us some wheels, but for weapons we're going to have to hit Willy's."

"That name sounds familiar," she muttered.

"Buffy likes to beat him for information; he runs the local demon bar."

"Demons have a bar?!"

"Yep, not all demons want to end the world or eat people. Some just want to have a pint and bitch about their boss like anyone else."

"And Willy is going to help the little sister and best friend of a girl who beats him?" Dawn asked doubtfully.

Xander blushed and muttered something too low for Dawn to hear.

"What?"

He sighed. "Willy … doesn't mind her beating on him, ok?"

"Huh, doesn't mind …Ewwww!" Dawn squealed, butting two and two together. "Does Buffy know?"

"Nope," he replied easily, "and whatever you do – don't tell her."

"Doesn't she deserve to know?" Dawn asked, surprised to know that Xander was letting some guy perv on her sister.

"Willy doesn't hurt anyone and his bar keeps a lot of demons off the streets, including those that consider humans food. By running his bar he saves two to three lives a night minimum, probably more. The way things are supposed to work traditionally involves bribery and vague threats, but Buffy just bursts in and beats the hell out of a guy that Willow could take in hand to hand."

"You're kidding," Dawn deadpanned.

"I wish. Buffy is stepping way over the line with how she treats him, or she would be if he didn't like it so much."

"So she thinks she's beating him up but really she's beating him …" Dawn snickered.

"Yep," Xander said readily. "I consider it a fitting punishment for abusing her gifts."

"So, he'll get us some weapons?" Dawn asked, changing subjects so she wouldn't burst out laughing.

"If he has some on hand, he isn't a fighter but a lot of fighters come through the bar. So a little bribery and we can raid the lost and found."

"I've never handled a weapon before," Dawn admitted. "Being a member of the video game generation, the closest I've come is the light gun from Duck Hunt."

"I'll start you off with something simple then, like a baseball bat. It won't kill most things, but broken bones will slow down damn near anything."

* * *

"I can't believe he's taking my baby to a bar." Joyce sighed. "I figured I had at least a couple more years until that happened."

"Well, I can't fault his reasoning," Giles said, taking a sip of his drink.

"Did you know about Willy?"

"Not as such, but I had my suspicions," Giles admitted.

"And you haven't said anything?" Joyce asked curiously.

"I'm sure she'll figure it out… eventually."

"That'll have more of an effect on her than a lecture on beating people up," Joyce said, trying not to laugh.

"Quite," Giles agreed.

**AN: Thank godogma for the typing and me for the typos!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

They were just passing an alley when a figure lurched out of the shadows and grabbed Xander's left arm.

Dawn screamed as Xander slammed a vial of holy water into its face to no effect.

"Damn, not a vampire," Xander groaned as it pulled him towards it. "Run!"

Dawn immediately stopped screaming at Xander's yelled command and kicked the zombie in the nuts as hard as she could.

The zombie's eyes widened and its grip loosened enough for Xander to pull his arm loose and stumble back.

Xander grabbed Dawn and they ran for about a dozen steps before Xander slowed to a walking pace once more. "I never would have thought kicking a zombie in the nuts would have worked."

"Yeah, well the next time you tell me to run away it won't be the zombie I kick there!" Dawn growled. "And shouldn't we be running?"

"Running is still a waste of energy right now. We just need a little distance to find something to slow him down so we can get some weapons to fight with or a car to escape," he explained before asking, "And why would you be kicking me there?"

Dawn had calmed down but her voice still held a little anger, "You told me to abandon you!"

"I didn't want you hurt," Xander replied. "There's no sense in both of us dying if I screw up."

"How did you screw up, it came out of nowhere!"

"I should have known better than to walk so close to the mouth of a dark alley."

"Well I certainly didn't expect to see a zombie come out of an alley ahead of us," Dawn retorted.

"Ok, but I should have remembered to be wary of alleys in Sunnydale anyway," Xander said grudgingly before falling silent.

They walked quietly with only the sound of their shoes on the pavement and the occasional moan from the zombie following them for company for a few minutes before Dawn spoke up, "I'll abandon you in the exact same situations that you'd abandon me. That's fair, right?"

Xander winced. "I'm supposed to protect you, not vice versa," he said, unknowingly quoting an argument he'd had with Buffy.

"I'd rather die with my friends than alone in the dark, so any of your plans that involve you sacrificing your life for mine… ditch them, cause as far as I'm concerned we either die together or not at all and I'm rather fond of the latter idea," Dawn fired back having heard that particular conversation through the vent in her room.

Xander sighed. "Ok, point taken. No need to throw my own words back at me." He was silent for a moment while Dawn reclaimed his hand once more. "You've grown up."

"So nice of you to notice," Dawn replied. "You're only what, three years older than me?" she asked, pretending she didn't know down to the second the age difference between them.

"And yet I'm very immature for my age," Xander said proudly.

Dawn laughed. "Now how do we slow down the limping dead behind us?"

Xander grinned as he spotted something on someone's front porch. "Hold that thought," he said as he jogged off and returned a moment later holding up a rake.

"I don't think that's going to do much," Dawn said, looking at the flimsy lawn care tool as they walked.

"Maybe you're right," Xander replied nonchalantly, carefully placing the rake on the ground behind them without losing a step.

Dawn looked at Xander suspiciously as he generally only looked innocent when he was guilty of something.

There was a loud thwacking noise behind them and the sound of a body hitting the pavement.

Dawn very carefully didn't look behind them, though she couldn't help but snicker.

Xander's grin made him look like a demented child.

* * *

Giles groaned. "I keep forgetting Xander claims to be the master of Stooge-fu," he said as the rest of the bar roared with laughter.

"We have to do something," Joyce said. "If we leave now..."

"We'd get there far too late to help," Giles said sadly.

"We can't just sit here and watch!"

"Sometimes that's all you can do; sit, watch, and pray you've trained them well enough to survive."

"Have you trained Xander?" Joyce asked surprised.

"Do you think someone can just pick up a sword or crossbow and use it? I've made sure they all had some basic training with weapons, I may concentrate on Buffy, but I do my best not to neglect them," Giles said solemnly.

Joyce took a large sip of her drink, and while still unhappy about her children being in danger felt better about both their chances and the man that trained them.

"She's very mature for her age," Giles said.

"So's Xander, but only when he thinks no one is looking," Joyce added.

"I suspected as much." Giles smirked.

*** * ***

Dawn had to visibly restrain herself from looking around at the large variety of demons while Xander led her through the bar.

Willy appeared at the bar in front of them. "She's a little young for this place, kid."

"I need to hit the lost and found," Xander said, placing two twenties on the bar.

"Particular item or just general?" Willy asked as he made the money vanish.

"General, got a little zombie problem. Brainless," Xander explained.

Willy waved them to a door behind the counter before flipping up a section of the bar. "Lock up behind you."

"Will do," Xander promised as they stepped behind the bar and disappeared through the door.

Willy turned back to the rest of the bar and saw a few faces looking far too interested for his tastes. "Its happy hour, boys. All drinks half off!" he called out.

Willy was satisfied to see the various looks of hunger and curiosity fade in the face of discounted drinks.

'Eh, it's still cheaper than seeing Madam Roxy,' he thought to himself, thinking about all the money he saved having the Slayer smack him around for information rather than paying a professional to do the job.

*** * ***

The scrying spell was temporarily stymied by the protective wards Willy had paid to have cast to protect his bar from his patrons.

Having lost the pair of individuals that the incoming transmission had been following, the primitive AI switched to the last point of interest.

The zombie who'd been killed in the alley less than an hour before had been raised and compelled to come after Xander clumsily climbed to its feet and stepped forward once more...

**THWACK! **

**THUD!**

Only to step on the rake once more and have the blow to the face knock it onto its back again.

During the five minutes Xander and Dawn were out of broadcast range the zombie had managed to rise to its feet and step on the rake three more times, much to the amusement of the viewing audience.

*** * ***

"Why does everything attack my left arm?" Xander asked, as he flexed and twisted his arm, examining the bruises the zombie had made.

"Here," Dawn said, handing him a metal gauntlet.

Humoring her, he slid it onto his hand and was shocked at the metal plates that suddenly appeared around his arm.

"Did I forget to mention that some of these may be enchanted?" he said nervously, trying and failing to find a way to remove the gauntlet.

"Really?" Dawn asked, still pawing through the box of assorted odds and ends and picking up a pair of silver cat head earrings with emerald chips for eyes.

"Yeah, all sorts of beings pass through Willy's Bar. Most of them just as clumsy and forgetful as you and me, carrying and losing stuff just like we would."

Not wanting to worry Dawn he rolled down his sleeve so that just the gauntlet was showing.

"So, what're we looking for?"

"Machete, fire axe... Hell, I'd take a baseball bat at this point."

Dawn put down the box she'd been looking in and joined Xander in looking at some of the larger items.

*** * ***

Joyce took a sip of coffee as the zombie hit the ground again.

Giles simply shook his head, unable to believe that it had worked.

The laughter died down as the screen switched back to Dawn and Xander coming out of an alley armed with a baseball bat and a crowbar.

"I'd do much better with a shotgun," Dawn said, giving the bat a practice swing.

"Unfortunately we don't have the money for one right now," Xander said, thinking that shotguns would work great against zombies or at least they had in every movie he'd ever seen.

"There has to be some ..." Dawn began only to be interrupted by a figure that lunged out of a doorway at them.

The figure grabbed Xander's left arm and pulled him towards it while Dawn screamed.

Pausing it gave an evil grin and hissed at Dawn, "Run!"

Dawn immediately stopped screaming and kicked the vampire in the balls.

Xander pulled his arm loose from the vampire's suddenly weak grip, as it hunched over in pain and brought the crowbar down on the back of its neck, wincing at the sound of snapping bone.

He had just palmed a stake when Dawn called out, "Wait!"

Dawn quickly searched the vamp for a wallet before waving Xander forward to stake him.

"One twenty," Dawn announced when Xander stood up after dusting the grateful looking vamp and Xander was really grateful that he hadn't said run this time.

"We need at least twice that for a decent gun from a pawn shop... Or a little more from a gun store."

"Well, I have an idea..."

**Fifteen minutes later...**

Dewey came out of the bar more than a little drunk. Sure most vamps preferred blood with their alcohol, but he thought mixed drinks were girly.

Hearing a noise he moved toward the alley, only to see a young brunette sitting on the ground holding her ankle and calling out for help.

He froze for a moment, remembering what he'd seen on the TV in the bar, then using all the supernatural speed at his disposal he flung his wallet at her and ran away screaming.

Xander came out of the shadows as Dawn stared at the fleeing vamp. "And my sister complains about how dangerous being the Slayer is?"

"She doesn't hunt them this way," he replied.

"Why not? I mean we took out seven vamps, not counting Mr. Screamy and made a ton of dough in no time at all."

Xander shrugged. "I think Cordy suggested it once, when she saw a vamp with a designer jacket, but Buffy said it was too risky."

Dawn added the money from the wallet to a large roll. "Her loss I guess, because I have a new hobby."

"Joyce is going to kill me," Xander groaned.

"She doesn't have to know," Dawn suggested, batting her eyes at him.

"She's a mom – they always know!" Xander said fearfully. "They have eyes everywhere. Right this second she's probably saying …"

*** * ***

"I can't believe Xander let Dawn talk him into that," Joyce said, shaking her head. "And are vampires always that easy to kill?"

"Well to be fair, he did use himself as bait to start."

"I know, it's strange how he attracts female vamps so quickly."

**Flashback!**

"I should be bait at least half the time, since we're in this together," Xander quickly added.

"Ok," Dawn nodded reluctantly, hoping she could protect Xander as well as he protected her when she played bait – but worried she wouldn't be able to bring herself to hit something that looked so human.

**Two minutes later…**

"Die skankpire! Die!" Dawn screamed, bringing the bat down on the second female vamp for a third time – not noticing that the first blow had knocked it out.

Xander quickly grabbed Dawn, before she could shatter the skull of either vamp. "They're down Dawnie, rob and stake remember?"

Dawn recovered as she felt Xander's arms around her. "I was just worried because handling two at once is dangerous," she lied.

"Yep," Xander agreed easily, still slightly distracted by what the two vampiresses had propositioned him for, since they didn't appear to be hunting – for blood anyway, at the moment.

"You weren't tempted were you?" Dawn asked, far too innocently.

"No, no..." Xander quickly protested.

"Because you seemed a bit distracted."

"Hypnotic powers," Xander quickly said.

"Really?" Dawn asked curiously.

Xander nodded and Dawn smiled and searched the downed vamps.

"Four barely covered breasts are very hypnotic," Xander muttered, not knowing of the magic and computer enhancements being used to ensure his comments were immortalized forever.

"Three sixty," Dawn announced.

"How would that work anyway? Four breasts vs. two hands and one mouth... It just doesn't add up."

"How about we do this two more times? Then we'll definitely have enough for a good supply of ammo as well."

"Sure," Xander agreed, wishing they'd covered this in math class.

**End Flashback!**

*** * ***

"Now we get some guns," Xander said cheerfully.

"Good, because while a baseball bat is a decent weapon I'm just not strong enough. I mean, one of those skanks almost got back up."

"Well don't worry, we'll get you the finest shotgun Sunnydale has to offer," Xander promised.

As they stepped out of the alley, Xander spotted three zombies coming down the street from the opposite direction they'd come from.

"Let's make that, the finest Oxnard has to offer," Xander said. "Because they're closing in from all sides and that means we have to escape the circle first," he said solemnly.

"How do we escape the circle?" Dawn asked worriedly, but ready to follow any plan Xander suggested.

"We have to get through these three then its smooth sailing for a while," he said grimly.

"I'm ready," Dawn promised, choking up on her bat.

"Good. Do exactly what I do," Xander said firmly.

Dawn mentally prepared herself for battle and followed Xander as he … crossed the street and continued down the block at a quick walking pace about four times faster than the zombies could react to.

Dawn groaned as she realized Xander had got her again.

"I thought we were going to fight them."

"No need, and fighting would only slow us down at this point allowing others to catch up. We need to know how to destroy Mr. Glowing eyes in my backpack not stop a few zombies that are following us at a slower pace than a narcoleptic turtle."

"Then why do we need weapons?"

"Because we have to rest at times and they'll close in the moment we stop moving and we'll have to fight our way out to avoid being eaten."

"How do you know so much about zombies?" Dawn asked.

"Monster movies and comic books have explored just about every possibility when dealing with zombies." Xander grinned.

"Life isn't like a monster movie," Dawn protested.

"They try and make monster movies as true to life as possible," Xander explained. "Because it makes it easier for them to get away with the

few ridiculous bits they always toss in."

"Like what?"

"Like the fact that a lot of them end up in pitched battle in either the mall or a strip club. What do you think the odds of that happening here are?"

Dawn laughed. "I can see it now, back to back with a stripper pole in between us shooting at the undead from the stage."

*** * ***

"We'll be in LA in a matter of hours," Linda assured her charge. "That's four or five hours outside of Sunnydale."

Faith nodded. "Look for a strip club in Oxnard."

"What? Why?" Linda asked, having missed a good chunk of the broadcast while getting tickets.

"Because I recognize foreshadowing when I see it," Faith announced. "And if I'm wrong... at least we get strippers and beer."

Linda groaned and wondered if Giles' Slayer gave him this much trouble.

*** * ***

Kakistos growled, "What do you mean the Slayer and her watcher are gone?! Find them!"

**AN: Thank godogma for the typing and me for the typos!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

John Hampton, the station manager for KSAQ 37, hung up the phone and sighed.

"Well, what did they say?" the program director, Ronald Brody, asked.

"Its not being broadcast by the FCC, they said it's probably a bunch of film students playing a prank and accidentally hit one of their backup frequencies."

"That's good and bad," Ronald said thoughtfully, as he watched a studio full of professionals laugh like children as they watched a zombie step on a rake and knock itself down for the third time in a row.

"How do you figure?" John asked.

"We'll need to put in a delay, so we can bleep or cut sections on the fly, and it's been a while since anyone has done that with a live broadcast here."

"You're suggesting we continue broadcasting it?" John asked incredulously.

Ronald smirked. "Suggest hell, I'm demanding it – we've had three sponsors threaten to pull their business until I explained that we really had nothing to do with it but almost all the rest have been clamoring to get their products connected to the program. You wouldn't believe the offers I've received."

"But we don't have any legal rights to the broadcast."

"Doesn't matter, it's coming in on our equipment and possession is nine tenths of the law. We can drop a couple of mil on the kids and have them sign contracts later."

"A couple of mil?" John's eyes bugged out in disbelief.

"I told you, the offers are unbelievable! We do this and we'll be swimming in it," Ronald promised.

John began to smile. "And as the only channel carrying it we'll be the most watched channel EVER!"

"Hell no! Are you nuts?! If we cut the feed the big three would kill us, and I'm not talking figuratively. No, we insist they air one of our commercials for every fourteen of theirs and a 3% share of their advertising revenues for the broadcast. Cutting the networks out is suicide, but we can lean on them a little." Ronald grinned.

*** * ***

Stanley's Mart hadn't been doing so well, much like Stanley himself; his ex-wife had destroyed half his sign and he hadn't had the time or money to get it fixed. He'd opened the store thinking that the only thing Sunnydale lacked was a good all purpose store, open 24 hours a day and as the only one in town he could really clean up.

Needless to say he'd been wrong and the decision to open the store in Sunnydale had cost him five night shift workers, a large sum of money, and his marriage.

It also cost a fair bit of his sanity.

Xander pointed to the damaged sign on the top of the roof. "Shop S'mart, sounds like an omen to me."

Dawn giggled. "Well let's hope they have boomsticks in housewares."

As they entered the store, they both instantly knew something was wrong.

"Is maniacal laughter over the PA system a bad sign?" Dawn asked.

"Yes, maniacal laughter is always a bad sign," Xander assured her.

"Just checking, so where do you think the shotguns are?"

The laughter cut off like someone had flipped a switch. "Shotguns are on aisle 12 in the Sporting Goods section," the PA announced before the laughter started back up.

"Ok, I'm a little freaked out," Xander admitted. "But not enough to shop elsewhere."

The two cautiously crept down the aisle but didn't see anyone and made it to Sporting Goods without a problem.

"I don't know what's creepier, the laughter or the fact that he pauses to make announcements like nothing's wrong."

"I know, I've never thought I'd hear a sale on soda sound so sinister."

"Say that five times fast," Dawn muttered as Xander went behind the counter to remove a couple of shotguns.

"That, that, that, that, that!" the PA system announced before the laughter resumed.

"Thanks," Dawn said slowly.

"Don't mention it," the voice replied.

Xander loaded the two guns and handed one to Dawn. "We just need to pay for these and get some extra ammo and we'll be good."

The voice gave Xander instructions on how to ring up his purchases and while Dawn was waiting for him to finish a really spooked young man came around the corner with a broom and a dustpan.

Dawn aimed for the center of his chest as Xander had instructed and fired, causing him to vanish in a burst of ash and throwing her back against the counter three feet away.

Xander quickly hopped over the counter and helped her to her feet, checking to make sure she was ok, before he unloaded and returned one of the shotguns to the case. "I think we need something lighter for you."

"Ya think?" Dawn drawled sarcastically.

"Yeah," Xander replied absently as he looked through the cases for something with less of a kick.

Dawn put the safety on and placed the shotgun on the counter.

"Cleanup on aisle 12!" she announced.

The PA system went quiet for a moment before the voice responded, "You won't trick me that easily!"

Dawn rolled her eyes before using the broom and dustpan the vamp had conveniently dropped to clean up his ashes.

"How'd you know it was a vampire anyway?" Xander asked as he placed a couple of pistols on the counter and searched for some holsters.

"The floors are really shiny," Dawn pointed out. "So it was easy to tell he didn't have a reflection, and why are you so calm about it?"

"I trust you," Xander replied. "If you shoot someone I'm going to assume they deserved it, until proven otherwise, plus I saw the lack of reflection too, but I also saw you had the situation in hand."

"If you knew he was a vamp by the lack of reflection, how come you asked how I knew?" Dawn asked.

"Because there were two ways to notice he was a vampire, the right way and the Buffy way. I wanted to make sure you used the right way."

"The Buffy way?" Dawn asked.

"Yeah, if it's out of fashion it's a vampire. I can't tell you how many times I had to stop her from staking a member of the chess club last year."

"You're kidding?"

"Just a bit. Buffy doesn't stake until she's sure it's a vampire, but I've had to keep her from going after the Sunnydale nerds and geeks quite a few times."

"That's insane!"

"No, what's insane is how often her method works. Once she knew who the local geeks were she was batting close to a thousand with her method."

"So why do you want me to go by the right way if the Buffy way works so well?"

"Because it only works that well for Buffy and the right way is safer for people like us."

Dawn smiled, happy to have Xander classifying her in the same category as himself.

"Cool, so what did you get me?"

"I have a pair of .22 target pistols. Not a lot of stopping power even with the Long Rifle shells, but better range than a shotgun so a bit of a tradeoff."

Dawn nodded and examined the pistols while Xander outfitted her with holsters and a machete.

Xander strapped on a back holster for his shotgun, and smiled as he recognized what look Dawn had been going for. "Ready Laura?"

"If you are, Ash." Dawn grinned.

Xander caught sight of himself in one of the store mirrors and laughed. He had to admit between the shotgun and the gauntlet he did bear a certain resemblance to the man. "Groovy."

The maniacal laughter continued unabated as Xander finished counting out the right amount of cash and made change.

"Doesn't he ever take a breath?" Dawn asked.

"It's on a loop," Xander replied.

"He continually plays maniacal laughter on a loop?" Dawn asked in disbelief as they headed for the door.

"I imagine it saves a lot of wear and tear on the vocal cords," he replied.

"Thank you! Come again!" the PA announced as they stepped out the door.

"I'd guess so. Do we need a chainsaw?" Dawn asked, thinking of the Evil Dead movies.

Xander shook his head. "Great for flesh wounds, but to really cut through limbs or decapitate things with a chainsaw you need steady continuous pressure. Most things get tossed aside with a little surface damage unless they're rooted to the ground, so it's not all that effective."

He scratched his chin thoughtfully. "If you want really effective limb hewing, stick to edged weapons. Axes are best, but they take a lot of strength and room to swing and tire you out quickly. Machetes are ok, but since they're so light weight you need to hack at the same limb a couple of times to cut through it and boy doesn't this make me sound like a serial killer."

Dawn appropriated one of his hands. "Only to someone who doesn't know what you do."

Dawn was rewarded with a smile that removed any chill she might have felt from the night air.

"So, what's the plan, boss man?"

"We need wheels. The longer we stay in a populated area the greater the chance some poor civie is going to get hurt. If I hadn't run into so many zombies..." Xander stopped as half a dozen zombies lurched out of the darkness ahead of them.

Xander fired with a two second pause between each shot as he carefully checked his aim, dropping a row of headless zombies like ducks in a shooting gallery.

"You forgot one," Dawn said, pointing to the zombie furthest back whose face had been partially flayed by shotgun pellets from Xander shooting all the zombies around it.

"Nope, that one is yours," he added cheerfully.

"Mine?" Dawn squeaked, hoping she had misheard as they were both a little deafened by the shotgun blasts.

Xander nodded and reloaded his shotgun, wondering if he should have gotten a bandoleer for extra shells, but decided it wasn't important since the store hadn't had any anyway.

Dawn shakily drew a pistol and clicked off the safety, before putting a round in the center of the zombie's chest – knocking it back a step but not accomplishing much else.

"You'll need a head shot to stop it," Xander pointed out helpfully. "And why are you so nervous? The vamp in the store was a lot more dangerous than a zombie."

"It was brightly lit in the store and I had a shotgun. Here in the streets it's a lot darker and I just know I'm going to miss. It's going to fly away and that stupid dog is going to pop up and laugh at me!"

Xander pulled Dawn back half a dozen steps while trying to figure out what she was talking about.

Dawn giggled nervously. "Sorry – Duck Hunt flashback."

Xander laughed and stepped up behind her, helping her aim and giving instructions and tips while she calmed down then blew out the back of the zombie's head with a couple of well placed shots.

Dawn's grin held a lot more than just satisfaction of a job well done.

Xander of course missed it completely.

*** * ***

"Girl's got it bad." Faith chuckled as they watched the broadcast from the plane, Linda having used a few mild glamours to get them on some Hollywood bigwig's jet.

"I'm sure she's just excited at taking out her first zombie. Sure they're easily handled as individuals, but taking one out with just a small pistol is impressive," Linda replied.

Onscreen Xander bent over to pick up his backpack and Dawn smacked her hand as it reached for his rear.

"Then again, I could be wrong," Linda admitted.

*** * ***

Joyce buried her face in her hands as the bar roared with catcalls and whistles.

"Alas poor Xander, I knew him well," Giles toasted the screen.

**AN: Thank godogma for the typing, because if it was just me doing it you wouldn't get more than an update every couple of months!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

"So, now we steal a car?" Dawn asked.

"Well... Not so much steal as borrow," Xander hedged. "I'm hoping to return it when we're done. Not that the owner is in any shape to notice or complain anyway."

"Dead?" Dawn asked as they strolled down the street unmolested by anything with half a brain.

"Never alive. Remember your mom's ex, Ted?"

"The android?"

"Yeah, no body so they never declared him dead and he has all his bills paid electronically, so all his stuff is still there. I snagged his keys while we were dismembering him, and once more I sound like a serial killer."

Dawn laughed. "You should have said dismantle rather than dismember."

Xander grinned. "Noted, anyway I emptied his fridge and turned off the gas. Things like that, so when he was finally declared dead whoever claimed his property wouldn't end up dealing with a mess and while I was there I noticed a car in his garage."

"I thought he drove a station wagon?"

"He did, but he also had a mint condition '57 Chevy in there and I have the keys."

"Ooh, travelling in style."

"If you're going to borrow a car, might as well borrow one with some class, not to mention one I have the keys to; as I know nothing about hotwiring cars."

Dawn laughed.

Xander pulled his shotgun off his back and picked off three zombies, while Dawn picked off one on the far right. They reloaded, Dawn dropping her empty shells to the ground, while both hummed the Bonanza theme song.

"We really should learn the words to that," Dawn said absently while scanning the area for more targets as they walked.

"We're here!" Xander announced as they reached a house with a large stack of newspapers on the front porch but neatly trimmed grass.

"Huh," Dawn said looking at it. "I guess he had a lawn service hired."

"I always thought he did it himself. Just goes to show that even android men don't like mowing their own lawns."

"I'll keep an eye out for zombies, you get the car," Dawn said, not wanting to enter Ted's place.

Xander nodded and pulled out his key ring, sorting through them for the key to the front door. He closed and locked the door behind him before heading to the garage. Entering the garage he flipped on the light switch and thumbed the garage door opener.

He was surprised to see Ted's station wagon in the garage, as he was sure it'd been towed by the city. Still, he'd offered Dawn a ride in a '57 Chevy so the station wagon wasn't important.

The black and chrome car gleamed underneath the light coating of dust on it and Xander barely resisted the urge to giggle as he opened the door and slid into the driver's seat.

Sorting through the keys once more he quickly found the right one and inserted it into the ignition. Taking a deep breath he turned the key… and nothing happened. He turned it again and sighed as he heard a weak click from the starter.

He checked the dome light and saw how weak it was, showing that it was just a dead battery and not a problem with the starter.

Dawn stuck her head into the garage as Xander popped the hood. "Problems?"

"Dead battery," Xander explained as he went to check the station wagon.

"So, we're taking the station wagon?" Dawn asked disappointed.

"I said you were going to get to ride in a '57 Chevy not a station wagon," Xander said firmly. "I just need to jump the battery, keep an eye out for zombies, this shouldn't take long."

Dawn returned to the street and saw two shambling figures, though they'd probably take a while to reach them. Drawing a pistol she waited impatiently for them to come within range. The sound of one then two cars starting broke the quiet and she decided that if they were here much longer she'd just go over to the zombies and shoot them instead of waiting for them to reach her.

Xander backed out and left the engine running while he shut the garage door. "Hop in Dawn, we're good to go."

"Where to now?" Dawn asked as she climbed in.

"Car wash," Xander replied.

"Car wash?!"

"Yep, I just can't abide a dirty car."

Dawn snickered. "You're crazy you know that?"

"Aww but you love me anyway," Xander teased.

"Without a doubt," she breathed.

"What?" he asked, having missed what she said.

"I said give me a shout when we get there, I need a nap," she lied and pulled one of his arms around her as she leaned into him.

*** * ***

"Now that is what makes a hero," one of the guys at the bar said.

The peanut gallery quickly chimed in with their guesses as to what he meant.

"Jailbait?"

"Armed jailbait!"

"Driving a cool car?"

"Style?"

The guy at the bar laughed. "Nah – though I'm sure those all help. No, what makes a hero is that they turn other people into heroes as well. By all rights Dawn should be a mess, but instead of a damsel in distress that would curl up into a ball and cry, waiting for the end, we got a girl calmly picking off zombies, who can take a nap in between attacks."

"She was rather impressive wasn't she?" Joyce asked Giles with a smile.

"Most definitely," Giles agreed.

"I mean she started off kicking and screaming and now she's shooting and napping."

"Even when she was kicking and screaming she wasn't about to abandon Xander," Giles pointed out.

Joyce smiled. "I seem to recall her giving Xander a speech and him saying it was his own words."

"He has been a good influence on her hasn't he?" Giles said as proudly as if he was talking about his own son.

*** * ***

Kakistos growled, "That broadcast must be stopped. Trick take care of it!"

"Right away sir, I'll contact the Tarakan's for a team," the black vampire promised.

"And find out where that accursed Watcher and her Slayer have gotten to, I want to stamp them out before they become a problem."

*** * ***

The mayor stared at the television with a phone to his ear. "This won't do at all. Contact Wolfram and Hart, while I hate making the tax payers foot the bill, it's better to pay the best to solve the problem once, than paying amateurs a dozen times."

*** * ***

**Sunny Wash 'N Go Carwash**

Xander grabbed a shammy cloth from the dispenser and admired the car for a moment. Ted may have been a nut, but he took good care of his vehicles.

"How many zombies in sight?" Xander called out as he considered whether he had time to dry and polish the car.

"I've got three, but only one is fresh enough to be able to move at a normal walking speed," Dawn called back.

"Let me know if you have any problems," he replied as he started to dry and polish the car.

Dawn moved closer to one of the slower zombies and crippled it with a shot to the kneecap … well, several shots as the first one missed and the second didn't do enough damage. Jogging back to her spot she saw the fresh zombie was almost in range and the older ones weren't going to be close enough to be a danger while she dealt with it.

Empty shells tinkled to the ground while she refilled her pistol. Taking careful aim, Dawn put four shots in its head, which knocked it down but didn't manage to kill it. Dawn turned and put three shots into the head of a lurcher and watched it drop with some satisfaction before turning to the fresh one, that had gotten back to its feet. It took three more shots to put it down and Dawn nailed the crawling zombie with two shots to the head, emptying her pistols.

Xander came up while she was reloading. "Everything good?"

Dawn nodded and holstered her weapons. "Just experimenting a little, Turns out older zombies have very fragile skulls compared to new ones and blowing off kneecaps to slow them down to a crawl is a waste of ammo."

Xander beamed at her. "Good to know. I hadn't even considered that. Using a shotgun it's kinda moot, but if we switch to hand to hand that's important info."

As they walked back to the car Dawn had to ask, "Ok we've got wheels and weapons, what's the plan?"

"Well, we need to get away from the city and the nearby desert has little people and a lot of space and most importantly; no graveyards full of zombies just waiting to rise. Sunnydale has way too many graveyards for us to stick around," Xander explained.

Dawn buckled up as Xander pulled out and returned to the road.

"We'll make some calls when we have a better place to stand," Xander said while changing lanes to avoid a zombie.

"Let's pick up some soda and snacks on the way," Dawn suggested.

"Good idea, I think we could both use some caffeine and sugar to help deal with the trauma of having our movie night interrupted," Xander said as they pulled into a 7-11. "I gotta leave the engine running so the battery will charge, watch the car for me."

"Sure, but I better get an extra ration of beef jerky for doing it," Dawn called, getting out of the car to watch for trouble.

"Sure thing," Xander promised before heading into the store.

Dawn sat on the hood of the car, watching for things of a lurching nature, while Xander was inside the store, explaining to a nervous cashier that he wasn't there to rob him, he was just on his way to a costume party.

Xander paused at a pay phone outside the store and decided to give Willow a call as she was the closest Scoob to the library and the one most likely to find an answer to their problem when Giles wasn't there.

"Hey, Wills. Yeah… but, I know…" Xander hung up the phone with a slightly annoyed look on his face.

"Whats up?" Dawn asked as they got into the car.

"I tried to call Willow for some help, but she said something about being in a rush and Oz and hung up on me."

"So us facing a horde of zombies is less important to her than a booty call?" Dawn asked, wide eyed.

It was perfectly understandable given their distracted state that neither noticed when the trunk opened and a figure rolled out of it to drop soundlessly to the ground, the trunk closing automatically behind it was barely a sound.

Whatever Xander was about to say was pre-empted by the driver's side door opening and a dark haired man pushing Xander into Dawn, as he climbed in and quickly got them onto the road.

"Ted!" the two exclaimed in shock, as the android gave them a pleasant smile and adjusted the rear view mirror.

**AN: Thank godogma for the typing, because if it was just me doing it you wouldn't get more than an update every couple of months!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Willow almost growled as she picked up the phone, "Xander I don't have time … Oz? I don't watch a lot of TV. Alright, sure."

Willow flipped on the TV using the remote and was stunned speechless to see Xander and Dawn on screen.

"He's polishing a car while Dawn is killing zombies?! What's wrong with him?!"

"Yeah, it is a nice car. Yeah, Dawn is a good shot and she does seem relaxed."

"I guess that makes sense."

"Yeah, he called just a little while ago …" Willow fell silent as she saw Xander on the screen trying to call her and she recalled what her response had been.

Her face paled as she heard Dawn's accusation, and when Ted appeared to kidnap her friends she fainted.

*** * ***

"Hi!" Ted said cheerfully as he drove. "Sorry if we got off on the wrong foot last time, but it turned out my database lacked any information on the supernatural, so my actions were completely inappropriate for the situation."

"Like the drugged cookies?" Xander asked, turning sideways to shield Dawn with his body, just in case Ted became violent.

"Drugged?!" Ted frowned. "I suppose technically they were drugged, but I used all natural and legal herbs in them. It was designed to have a calming effect, to help prevent hypertension and high blood pressure, which is prevalent in nearly everyone who lives in Sunnydale for some reason."

"And the dead wives?" Xander asked.

"Do you know what funeral homes do to dead bodies? And that's not even taking into account any deviants working at those places. I wasn't about to let any of those people near the bodies of those I loved," Ted said firmly.

"How about the fact that you killed them?!"

"Once again I'm going to have to answer that you're technically correct, I did cause fatal heart attacks in all of my wives, but that was due to age and exertion, not any ill intent on my part."

"How does that work?" Dawn asked confused.

"Well, when a man and a woman love each other very much..." Ted trailed off for a second before continuing, "and when that man happens to be able to be active for up to 56 hours before needing a recharge..."

"Ok, I get you," Xander said, not wanting to hear any more.

"And beating up my sister?" Dawn asked.

"Have we met?"

"Dawn Summers, Joyce's youngest daughter?" Dawn replied trying to get a response.

"Sorry, being offlined by Buffy seems to have scrambled my memory a bit. I'm afraid I don't remember you," Ted replied. "But the answer to your question about Buffy is simple, since I didn't know the supernatural existed I thought she was delusional and high on drugs; my actions were to give her someone more durable than the average human to focus her anger on until she was subdued and the drugs were out of her system."

"Ok, that pretty much covers past actions; how about current ones?" Xander asked.

"How do you mean?" Ted asked, confused.

"I mean kidnapping us," Xander pointed out dryly.

"It's my car," Ted replied. "And I thought you wanted out of town."

Xander relaxed and leaned back in his seat. "Oh."

Ted nodded. "I need to know more about how I should be behaving, as my programming is seriously out of date and I can't afford to stick out unless I want some scientist taking me apart and you could use some help if I'm not mistaken."

"You'll obey our orders?" Xander asked.

"Until the current danger is past," Ted confirmed.

Xander stuck out a hand, "Deal."

*** * ***

"I really should talk to Buffy about jumping to conclusions about people," Joyce said absently.

Giles wasn't paying attention, as he was cleaning his glasses and muttering about Willow's priorities and the idea of Xander teaching anyone how to behave properly.

A commercial for life insurance came on while a small square in the bottom of the screen showed Xander and Dawn relaxing and eating as Ted drove.

*** * ***

As he could drive safely using just a small fraction of his attention, Ted triggered a replay of the broadcast from the system in his basement, a bit surprised that it had followed Xander and Dawn by using local cameras and using a third of its spare cpu cycles to enhance the quality of the signal, but then it was entirely possible he'd upgraded the system and forgot when Buffy offlined him.

Occasionally the secondary attention flag sent him a few minutes of the zombie vs. rake fight that was still ongoing.

*** * ***

"Show the replay while keeping the ongoing events in a small window in the corner," the station manager directed.

Turning to the program director he beamed. "Catching the layered broadcast was brilliant."

He shrugged, not taking his eyes off the board as he spliced in commercials and broadcast instructions for their affiliates. "The gear caught it, all I had to do was hit a button. Gotta love that zombie rake fight, we can cut out a few pratfalls during that and no one notices."

*** * ***

Oz shook Willow awake. "What huh, Xander?"

Oz nodded towards the TV and Willow watched the broadcast rerun from the beginning, eyes glancing to the corner occasionally to make sure the two were ok.

*** * ***

"Starlight Motorlodge Bar & Grille," Ted announced, waking the two teens as he pulled in.

Xander yawned and stretched already missing the warmth of having Dawn cuddled up to his side as they pulled up to their rest stop.

It was a twenty room hotel with attached restaurant in the middle of the desert; it was perfect.

"This is far enough from any graveyards or population centers to reduce the possibility of civilian casualties while we rest. I need a couple of hours to recharge and from the looks of it so do you," Ted explained.

"I could use a shower," Dawn admitted. "And a bed to stretch out in."

Xander nodded, seeing the sense in it. "Yeah, best to get some rest now while we can. I'll make some calls in the morning."

Dawn grinned. "I'll get the keys." Hopping out of the car she quickly hit the front desk and startled the clerk who had been staring at a TV.

"Can I... help you?" the clerk asked faintly, taking in who he was talking to.

"I need two rooms," Dawn said, wondering at the clerk's reaction.

"Single or double?" the clerk stuttered.

"Two singles," Dawn said quickly.

The clerk slid two keys across the counter and tried to straighten up, sure he was being filmed. "On the house."

Dawn blinked and then realized she was armed and that might be scaring the clerk. She quickly handed him a couple of twenties. "The guns are part of a costume, keep the change."

The clerk cursed himself as Dawn ran out the door, he should have gotten her autograph.

Dawn handed a key to Ted and held another one up. "Two rooms, they only had a couple of singles available."

Xander and Ted looked at the nearly empty parking lot and back to Dawn.

"They're doing some remodeling on most of the rooms this weekend," she lied, causing the two men to nod in comprehension.

Dawn quickly pulled Xander into their room.

"I guess I can sleep on the floor," Xander muttered.

"Why would you do that? We always sleep together on the couch and that's much smaller. Besides I'm worried I'll have nightmares if you're not there to hold me..." she trailed off quietly, turning around and looking down at the floor; trying to appear as small and vulnerable as possible.

"Dawn," Xander breathed and quickly wrapped his arms around her from behind. Only the camera caught her evil grin.

Dawn was just about to try her hand at the 'not wanting to die a virgin' speech when there came a knock at the door breaking the mood.

Xander let go and straightened up while Dawn ripped the door open, revealing a zombie that was all but desiccated slowly banging on the door.

Dawn cross drew both pistols, firing as soon as the barrels cleared the leather. Her shots stitched up the zombie's side, taking out hips and shoulders before shattering its skull, almost as thoroughly as if she'd used Xander's shotgun.

She holstered her guns and closed the door, already figuring out another plan before she turned around to face Xander again.

She gave him her best smile. "You give me strength. You made sure I knew what we faced and could handle it. When you're with me I feel like I could take on the world."

Xander found himself smiling back, stunned at her sudden turn about, but happy that Dawn was happy.

Dawn threw herself at him and hugged him tightly before declaring, "First shower!" and grabbing the bathroom.

A thoroughly confused but happy Xander started stripping himself of all weapons and anything he didn't plan to sleep in so he could grab the shower next.

*** * ***

"Ten bucks says she nails him within the next 24 hours," Faith bet.

Linda nodded as they both prepared for some sleep, having arrived at a hotel in LA. "No bet, she could probably have pulled off a decent 'don't want to die a virgin' speech and seduced him right there if not for the zombie."

"Ya think?"

"I pulled it off at her age and I wasn't half as slick," the Watcher admitted absently, before turning red as she realized what she'd said.

"Oh really, do tell!" Faith snickered.

*** * * **

Dawn finished her shower and let Xander have the bathroom, flipping off the light and getting in the bed when the door shut behind him.

In the dim light you could just make her stripping under the covers and tossing her clothes on the chair.

A few minutes later Xander came into the dark room nervously.

"Come to bed." Dawn ordered with a grin in her voice.

Xander groaned, "Your mom is going to kill me."

"For keeping me safe and not leaving my side?" Dawn asked and even in the dark you just knew she was rolling her eyes.

"Ok, maybe I'm being a little paranoid," Xander said with a chuckle.

"Lose the shirt," Dawn ordered, causing Xander to tense up again.

"W-what?!"

"Since we don't have a change of clothes we have to air out what we can or the zombies will be tracking us by scent. Toss your shirt on the chair and come to bed," Dawn said reasonably.

Xander sighed and did as she ordered, tensing up as she snuggled in to him. "Dawn … where's **your** shirt?"

"On the chair. Relax I'm wearing a half shirt/sports bra thingy. I'm not topless."

"Ok..." Xander relaxed and wrapped an arm around her.

"Wow, I didn't think it was that long it's like a foot and a half and I could have sworn it was flexible, now it's like steel!" Dawn said in amazement.

"Well... You gave it to me and I didn't want you to feel bad."

"Then you should have said something so I could help you get it off."

"Next time I'll mention something sooner, for now let's get some sleep. You can play with it in the morning, ok?"

"Ok," Dawn agreed. "As long as it doesn't hurt or anything."

"It'll be fine," Xander promised.

Dawn snuggled into him. "Night, Xan."

"Night, Dawn."

*** * ***

Oz stared at the screen with one seriously raised eyebrow and glanced over to find that Willow had passed out again. Shrugging he stretched out onto the sofa with her and took a nap.

*** * ***

"I'm not sure what to say," Giles admitted.

"Neither am I," Joyce agreed. "I mean, I knew Dawn was precocious, but I think she's bitten off more than she can chew."

"I'm sure we're missing something," Giles offered.

"Maybe," Joyce agreed. "We'll know in the morning. Let's go to your room and get some rest. They have my cell number but they're going to need to talk to you so we'll need to stick close together."

"Yes, quite," Giles said nervously.

*** * ***

"A foot and a half?!" Harmony exclaimed. "Man, you should have asked for a million in addition to the house and car."

Cordelia groaned. "My parents weren't supposed to pay it, they were supposed to back off!"

"Glad they got guns." Harmony sighed.

"Why?"

"Because that girl is going to be limping for **days! **I don't care how many years of gymnastics she took."

Cordelia smacked Harmony in the head with a pillow and Harmony grabbed another pillow to retaliate.

*** * ***

"Now I really want to meet this guy," Faith grinned.

"No doubt," Linda agreed absently and then groaned when Faith laughed.

**AN: Thank godogma for the typing, because if it was just me doing it you wouldn't get more than an update every couple of months!**


	8. Chapter 8

Xander awoke slowly, noticing a warm comfortable weight atop him. His right hand squeezed softly, causing it to rub up against him pleasantly, making approving noises.

"I claim this land in the name of England," Dawn's voice murmured from somewhere in the vicinity of his chest. "But the outlying peninsula is mine."

Xander sleepily gave another soft squeeze, causing more pleasant movements and waking him up enough to realize who was laying nearly on top of him and what he was squeezing as well as what was rubbing.

If his eyes had opened any wider they might have fallen out.

Carefully rolling to the side and trying not to wake her, he found his escape attempt stymied by a leg and an arm pulling him right down on top of her in a position even the puritans agreed was right and proper.

"Mmmm... Xander," she moaned in her sleep, rubbing against him directly now.

Xander groaned and almost gave in to the pair of red pouting lips that he was being pulled towards, but at the last second he managed to shift enough to kiss her on the forehead and gently but firmly disengage himself from her, before making a break for the bathroom. "Cold shower, cold shower," he muttered to himself as he crossed the room.

As the door clicked closed it awoke Dawn enough to murmur, "Tease." before she realized what had happened.

Blinking sleep from her eyes her mind replayed the last couple of minutes and she all but purred, "He is so mine, and my what that man does to me. Thank god I brought a spare pair of panties."

* * *

Joyce chuckled. "He's still resisting, so she must have been talking about that metal gauntlet and sleeve."

Giles shook his head and put his arm around her as they sat up in bed. "The hook is set, but he has a little fight left in him."

"I can't believe she claimed him in the name of England."

Giles smirked, looking at Joyce. "I don't know, I must admit to having the urge to plant the flag myself at times."

She ran a hand through his chest hair and set his glasses on the night stand. "God save the Queen."

* * *

Holland Manners, just turned 40 with respectable greying sideburns, was the Assistant Head of Special Projects for Wolfram and Hart in LA; meaning he had to put his head on the block if anything went wrong to cover the ass of the Head of Special Projects and it looked like today he'd be plastered to it lips first to try and survive this unexpected debacle.

The body of one of Wolfram and Hart's seers lay where it had fallen on the office floor, eyes melted closed.

"Couldn't have been that great of seer if she couldn't see this coming," Holland muttered.

The necromancer who had been examining the scene shook his head. "I'd say she saw it coming and embraced it, but that's just a guess." The cultured voice coming from the pale and hairless man always seemed inappropriate to the people who requested his services – but as he'd explained when asked, lack of proper pronunciation often lead to the death of practitioners and their clients, so the voice lessons that made him sound like Walter Kronkite were both necessary and tax deductible.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean all seventeen seers on site knew this was coming and saw it as a way out of their contracts. Not only are they dead but their souls are gone. I cannot raise a whisper of their presence. The eyes are called the windows to the soul for a reason, and as you can see... they have burned theirs out."

"You mean they all deliberately looked at something that burned out their souls?" Holland asked stunned.

"Precisely. They all chose soul death as a way out of their contracts and since they are forbidden by their contracts from looking for a way out of them it has to be a current project that they were ordered to complete."

Holland sighed. "Even knowing the cause probably isn't going to save my ass in this case."

"The cause is simple, in all seventeen cases – they were trying to look in on the subject of the recent termination order. As each one failed, the next in line automatically tried, as per procedure."

"The young couple from Sunnydale?" Holland asked.

"Indeed, but I don't know if I'd call them a couple."

Holland chuckled. "Perhaps you'd like to make a little wager on that?"

"What's the bet?"

"I'll bet my secretary's soul that she will close the deal and win him over by midnight tonight."

The necromancer grinned. "You're on, and as for my stake... Well actually I'll give you my stake up front, so you'll be around to lose this wager, the answer to making the higher up's happy is one word; Loophole."

"Loophole?" Holland repeated questioningly.

"Yep, loophole. You have discovered a loophole in the contract that allowed the seers to escape. Closing a loophole, no matter how small, makes the higher ups very happy. In this case, the loophole allows the seers to escape their contracts by willingly choosing soul death without warning their superiors about the possibility."

"That's brilliant!"

"Yes, it is," the necromancer said smugly. "By the way, how did you get your secretary's soul?"

"Fantasy football pool, it's the new office pastime."

"I thought upper management frowned on office workers trading souls?"

Holland shrugged, much more relaxed now that it looked like he'd not only survive but come out ahead from this little setback. "She's just a temp."

* * *

Multiple impossibly clear audio and visual signals were quickly processed and utilized, surprising Ted who despite receiving visual feeds from nearby couldn't find a source for them. He sent back a command to continue broadcasting points of interest as flagged, but not all seventeen at once, as it was a waste of bandwidth and processing power.

Finding the new signals easy to manipulate, even if their source was impossible to locate, the AI quickly switched over to the new inputs, moving them as needed.

Thankfully a number of modesty protocols had been programmed in by Ted to prevent certain scenes and situations being broadcast or both Xander and Dawn's showers would have become more iconic than the shower scene from Psycho.

* * *

Xander dried himself off after his very cold shower and sighed as he realized he'd left his clothes in the other room.

"I've had a shower cold enough to numb my numbly bits, I'll be fine," Xander promised himself, pulling on his boxers and stepping back into the room, only to find Dawn bent over in front of the door in a pair of panties and a sports bra picking up something she'd dropped just as he'd opened the door.

Xander closed the bathroom door, and restarted the shower, stepping in without bothering to remove his boxers.

Dawn grinned a bit guiltily as she heard the shower restart - maybe she was being a bit hard on him, all but rubbing his face in the fact she was a big girl now.

She groaned and unconsciously rubbed her thighs together as she sat on the bed and imagined … rubbing his face in it.

"If he doesn't get out of the shower soon, he's going to have company," Dawn swore, feeling a need for a cold shower herself.

* * *

Cordelia yawned and drank the coffee Harmony handed her. "You were right, they did start early."

Harmony grinned brightly, being a morning person as well as being proved right, making her obscenely cheerful in the AM. "She sure did, and if he'd been a little bit slower..."

"I can't believe she's moving in on him that quick," Cordelia growled.

"I can't believe we thought he was a foot and a half long."

"It's not like we know how long it actually is, he's kept it in his shorts," Cordelia replied, having had a Do'h moment when she saw the gauntlet in the morning light.

Harmony handed Cordelia with two pages of mathematical calculations and sketches with a smug look on her face.

Cordelia looked at the complicated mathematical formulas used and then at Harmony, then back to the formulas then back at Harmony again.

Harmony smirked. "What can I say? I learn things best when I have a practical use for them and by my calculations your parents owe you 425,365 dollars for breaking up with him."

"What? No change?" Cordelia asked, trying to cover her surprise at her friend's unexpected ability.

"Standard variants, depending on temperature and hormone levels, makes those kind of exact calculations meaningless. Truthfully the amount in the ones category is just an educated guess."

"How in the hell are you failing math?"

"I reserve that time for reading Cosmo, plus I refuse to do homework from a woman who wears rayon and has split ends," Harmony said firmly.

* * *

Ted hummed cheerfully as he snapped the neck of another dried up zombie, that had dug its way up out of the sand, and carried it behind the hotel to stack with the other 26 that had shown up during the night.

He made a mental note to use his DC adapter in the car while they drove, since he'd been too busy to get a full charge while fixing the ground in the car's electrical system that had drained the battery and taking care of the occasional zombie.

* * *

Dawn didn't even take time to tease Xander as she quickly brushed past him, carrying her clothes and planning on a cold shower herself.

Xander dropped his soaked boxers in the trash and pulled his pants on under the towel he was wearing, not wanting to tempt fate with being completely naked with Dawn being just a door away also …

Slapping himself in the face a couple of times he shook his head. "Don't focus on Dawn naked in the shower. Focus on taking care of the danger to Dawn... who is naked in the shower."

Xander unzipped his backpack and reached in, only to jerk his hand out a moment later with the "book" attached to it, as it bit his hand.

Cussing and yelling he managed to drag the "book" off his hand by shoving his gauntlet in its mouth.

Looking in his backpack he sighed. "I had to dump out my clean socks and underwear, all I have left is holy water, stakes, crucifix and spare ammo..."

He held up the "book" that was still chewing on his gauntleted hand and pulled out a vial of holy water. Popping the top he calmly poured it into the mouth, which immediately spit out his hand and became immobile once more.

Xander tossed it back into his backpack and finished dressing, adjusting the back sheath for his shotgun, as Dawn stepped out of the bathroom.

He froze, staring as she leaned against the doorway, clad in her Laura Croft outfit that he could have sworn wasn't that tight yesterday and … "What happened to your half shirt?"

Dawn moved one of the tank top's shoulder straps aside, showing where the sports bra's straps had cut into her skin. "Growth spurt. It's too small for me now," she smirked, exaggerating things a bit, as it had been a bit tight to start with, which was why she had chosen it to begin with.

Xander nodded, keeping his eyes from her breasts by force of will. "How about we go get some breakfast?"

* * *

The Sunnydale denial syndrome was working overtime, as a road crew had set up a couple of saw horses and traffic cones around the unfortunate zombie who just could not get past that rake and early morning foot traffic avoided looking at him as they walked past.

*THWACK!* *THUD!*

Sure, nearly anyone in the know could have taken care of the problem, wearing a disguise if they wanted to avoid national exposure, but it's often the little things that get overlooked.

On a side note, two of the big three networks already had pilots in the works loosely based on the concept, for which they paid KSAQ 2.3 million each, while the third was already paying reviewers to say it was a shameless ripoff of their show that collected people's private videos of family members sustaining life threatening injuries.

* * *

Considering how few people stayed at the hotel there was a surprising number of people eating breakfast at the attached bar and grill.

The Silverlight Motor Lodge in fact received over three quarters of their profits from food and drink orders of travelers just passing through on the way to LA.

Dawn and Xander took their seats at a little two person table that was open and examined the menu. "Pancakes or waffles?" Dawn wondered aloud.

"Pancakes are a wild card, you never know how big they're going to be," Xander said wisely. "While with waffles everything has been standardized."

"True, and waffles have syrup traps in them. So while they may not absorb as much syrup into themselves as pancakes will, they do in fact provide the most syrup per mouthful of anything short of drinking from the bottle," Dawn added, not wanting Xander to think she didn't take her breakfast food seriously.

"Very good point, ooh they have blueberry pancakes available."

"Pancakes," the two chorused, as regardless of syrup content, blueberries trumped it.

Looking around Xander noticed the lack of any wait staff. "I think we have to order from the bar and pick it up there too," he decided.

"I'll save your seat," Dawn promised with a grin.

"Good thing I have my trusty boomstick," Xander said mock seriously. "Considering I have to hunt us up breakfast."

"It's the manly thing to do."

"Damn skippy!" he replied, giving her a wink. "And thankfully we resemble a certain pair of characters so much that everyone assumes we're in costume and not in fact carrying loaded weapons," he finished before heading for the bar.

A blond haired girl who was dressed like she was trying out for the role of Daisy Duke in the latest Dukes of Hazzard remake sat down in Xander's seat uninvited. "Hi, I'm Sally," she introduced herself.

"I'm Dawn," Dawn replied, a bit distracted by a woman who looked seriously out of place talking to Xander at the bar as he waited for their order. She looked like she should be in a cafe in Paris or some other place where fashion was important, rather than a bar and grill in the middle of the desert.

"So is the guy you're with your brother?" Sally asked, showing a bit more tact and diplomacy than Cordelia Chase.

"No, boyfriend," Dawn replied distractedly, wondering what about the woman over there was bugging her, besides her manner of dress and being within five feet of Xander.

* * *

"Hello, I'm Lust," the pale redhead introduced herself to Xander, standing close to him and making small talk to allow her pheromones time to work.

"Dawn?" Xander asked, blinking rapidly and wondering why his head was starting to feel fuzzy.

Lust smirked, pleased that he was one of the few men who were extremely susceptible to her pheromones, as she could already see his eyes glazing over. "How about we go back to my room and I'll do things you've never dreamed of in your most depraved fantasies, as I drain you of life?"

* * *

"No, seriously," Sally said, dismissing Dawn out of hand. "Is he seeing someone or …"

Dawn brushed the hair back from her right ear, just touching the silver cathead earrings that she wore and clearly heard the woman talking to Xander, as she caught sight of a ring she knew well.

Ignoring Sally, Dawn rose to her feet drawing a pistol as she moved.

Lust turned just in time to see someone in her peripheral vision as Dawn emptied her pistol into her at close range.

Dawn stepped aside to let the body fall to the ground, as she holstered her pistol before the echoes of the shots even had a chance to die down.

Xander blinked and shook his head. "Dawn, why did you shoot Dawn? Huh, that makes no sense."

Dawn knelt down and rolled the woman onto her back, only to receive a pair of green ichor stained hands around her own the nails digging into her wrists. "You're smooth kiddo, but envy knows everyone's weakness," she gasped out just before the light faded from her eyes and she stopped breathing.

Dawn slipped the gold ring off the woman's finger. "Now we have a matching pair," she said, showing it to Xander who was just now shaking off the effects.

"She looked like you for a minute there," he said, still a little fuzzy.

"She was saying she was going to seduce you and drain the life out of you. You know I'd never do that," Dawn assured him.

"Yeah," Xander agreed sadly, still a little dazed.

"I'd never drain the life out of you," she said, pressing herself up against him for a moment. "Remember to get extra sausage," Dawn said, smirking at the way Xander was now looking both pleased and worried, before she snagged the woman's purse and heading back to her seat – stepping over the woman's gooey remains as they melted.

Retaking her seat she rummaged through the purse for some wet naps to clean her hands with.

"You – you just killed that woman," Sally stuttered out fearfully, wondering why no one had done anything even though she'd noticed everyone watching the pair when they came in, though they tried to hide it.

"Well Sally, she showed far too much interest in my man, so of course I killed her. You saw her touch his shoulder didn't you?" Dawn asked with an innocent smile, as she cleaned the last of the green blood off her hands and pulled out her pistol, engaging the cylinder to let the empty shells clatter on the table.

Sally just stared at her in horror as Dawn swept the empty shells into the table's ash tray and pulled out fresh ones.

Dawn slowly loaded her pistol while looking directly into Sally's eyes. "A woman has a right to protect her property from trespassers right?"

As Dawn flipped the cylinder closed and gave it a spin Sally made a "meep" noise and rushed out of the bar.

* * *

"Ok, now I approve of her as his next girlfriend," Cordelia said, beaming happily.

Harmony raised an eyebrow. "Is it because she'd shoot you if you didn't?"

"Nope, although that is sweet. No, it's because she killed a Terakan assassin with him, just like when we got together."

* * *

"That's my girl," Joyce said proudly.

"I believe that was a succubus of some sort," Giles said thoughtfully.

"So Xander seeing Dawn means, what?"

"Well traditionally succubi will tempt men with a vision of what they most desire," Giles admitted.

"Well, she certainly managed to bait that hook," Joyce smirked.

"Yes, I'm rather proud that he's managed to resist her thus far."

* * *

Willow's eyes seemed to take up half her face while Oz just nodded in approval. "As a lycanthrope American I approve of her response."

"Does this mean I can't hug Xander anymore?"

"It's just a .22, I'll get you a bullet proof vest," Oz promised.

"Oh – good," Willow said before passing out again.

'I wonder if she's anemic?' Oz thought to himself.

* * *

"Would you count that as a win?" Holland asked.

The necromancer shrugged. "It's certainly leading, but only firm on her part so far. He may just resist past midnight, or die of course."

"True," Holland agreed good naturedly. "I wonder who sent the Terakan?"

* * *

"Remind me not to flirt with him without making sure it's alright with his girl first," Faith said with a touch of respect.

"Will do," Linda promised.

* * *

Xander looked down at his chair as he brought their order. "Why is my seat wet?"

**AN: Typing by Godogma without whom you'd probably never get to see most of my work, for I am a lazy b^%$# who hates to type!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Sitting Chapter 9**

"No idea," Dawn lied. "But I'd switch it with another chair if I was you."

Xander nodded and switched out chairs before they both started eating.

"Any idea why everyone is taking all this so calmly?" Dawn asked.

"Could be an extension of Sunnydale Syndrome," Xander replied thoughtfully. "Or they thought from our outfits that it was all part of a prank. Or possibly something the Terakan did."

"Should we be worried about running into more teriyaki assassins?"

"Have you been talking to Buffy?"

Dawn laughed. "No, just fiening for some more beef jerky."

Xander snickered. "Well at any rate she may just have been after me because I killed one of them before, or because female demons always react that way to me … or there could be a contract."

"So … bottom line, worry or not?"

"We're on the move and we only have to worry about you and me," he replied thoughtfully. "As long as we're together we should be just fine."

Dawn smiled widely and continued to eat her pancakes.

**0oOo0**

Ted finished making a few adjustments to an old football helmet with wires leading from it into the trunk just as Xander and Dawn arrived.

"What're you working on?" Dawn asked curiously.

"It's a unique data input device," Ted explained. "I'm hoping I can get Xander to put it on, so I can copy what he knows; it's much more efficient than asking questions and since I expect we'll be quite busy fighting zombies in the near future, I'd like to get it done in advance."

Xander shrugged and put on the helmet while Ted made adjustments.

"Put in the mouth guard," Ted instructed. "This stings a little bit and I don't want you biting the inside of your cheek like I did."

Xander nodded and put in the mouth guard while Ted finished all his last minute adjustments.

"Contact!" Ted said and pushed a button, causing Xander's entire body to lock up for a second… just before he collapsed.

Ted caught the stunned teen before he could hit the ground and held him up until he could stand on his own a moment later.

"Sorry, forgot to mention there may be feedback."

"That was … strange," Xander said, taking off the helmet. "My entire life flashed in front of my eyes. Twice!"

"Are you ok?" Dawn asked, moving to help support him whether he needed it or not.

"Yeah, my head just feels kinda … full."

"To get a proper copy we have to stimulate the memory centers of the brain. You should feel right as rain in about an hour, as your brain chemistry returns to normal," Ted explained cheerfully. "I'd suggest a quick nap to speed up the process, as it was only suppose to go through the memories once."

"I guess I could take a quick nap and then call Giles about the situation," Xander agreed, his eyes half open.

"I'll take care of the zombies while you rest," Ted promised, as Dawn drug Xander back to their motel room.

**0oOo0**

"He's faced members of our Order before and lived," an older man in a green sweater who bore a remarkable resemblance to Fred Rogers said thoughtfully. "I don't believe that was mentioned in the contract."

A thin, red headed man, whose right leg was a blur as he drummed his foot against the floor, shrugged. "That simply means our team has dibs, as one of our members found them first, unless the contractor is willing to double the payment, which is doubtful."

"True. Shame about Lust, but I warned her about targeting couples while the female of the pair was unaccounted for."

"She was sloppy, letting her own lust overwhelm her; but we know where they are now, so finding them and following their trail should be simple."

**0oOo0**

"The Slayer, her Watcher, and the couple broadcasting everything are in the same general area. We're close enough to head after either as soon as the sun goes down. Which would you prefer?" Mr. Trick asked, trying not to yawn as he was usually asleep by midmorning.

"The Terakans are hunting the couple, so we'll go after the Slayer; it's been far too long since I have tasted Slayer's blood," Kakistos said before the goat hooved vampire turned and entered the suite Trick had prepared for him.

Trick nodded and ordered a couple of underlings to track both pairs in case Kakistos changed his mind later; he hadn't lasted as second in command to one of the world's strongest vampires by being a fool.

**0oOo0**

Xander fell back onto the bed and Dawn positioned him before climbing on it herself to lay half across his chest, as they had slept the night before.

"Joyce is going to kill me for sharing a bed with you," Xander muttered, as his arms curled around Dawn of their own volition.

"Doubtful," she replied as she listened to his heartbeat. "I've curled inside your shirt while we were on the couch sleeping and all she did was take pictures. Now stop worrying or I'm going to make you sleep on the couch for a month."

Xander chuckled softly before drifting off with a smile on his face.

**0oOo0**

"So Doctor, what can you tell us about The Show?" the host asked, as he leaned back in his chair and smiled toothily, a live broadcast of Xander and Dawn taking up the screen behind him and his guest.

The short German woman stood up and began gesturing at the screen, as they showed clips from different scenes at her request. "As you can see from the literal fairytale beginning, they showed Dawn as a child on the cusp of womanhood, while Xander is the protective male presence, only slightly older, but seemingly out of her reach." Dawn sitting in Xander's lap, her ear to his chest was shown.

"Whoever wrote the script has done a marvelous job! You can see Dawn maturing before your eyes; as a matter of fact I'm amazed how good the makeup and acting has been on her part. Using lifts in the shoes and careful camera positioning she appears to be at least three inches taller now than when they started."

A couple of computer enhanced shots of Dawn are shown, showing definite physical changes.

"Not to mention a couple of cup sizes," the host pointed out, causing the audience to whoop.

"Yes," she agreed, "and even some added definition in the face. Whoever the makeup artists are they are simply brilliant!"

"As one of America's most outspoken feminists I'm surprised at your response. I thought you'd be against the cheesecake factor she plays in the show."

"That's because in 'The Show' it is clearly being done by the girl herself, employing her maturing feminine wiles to catch the man she has chosen."

"And the eighteen inch comment?" the host asked.

"Now that was hilarious, though you'd probably have to be a psychiatrist to get the joke right away; as I've said, The Show starts with a literal fairy tale and the keep the feel of it as events occur. Now, Dawn has tried making him her knight in shining armor, symbolized by a gauntlet and armor on his left arm and he said it was a poor fit, meaning he doesn't want to be put on a pedestal by her. He wants her to see him for what he is. The whole 18 inch joke was about pointing out that symbols aren't always about what we think they are, or to put it in layman's terms, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."

The audience laughed while the two onstage shared a smile, pleased with how well the live broadcast was going.

"Are there any other moments you found particularly symbolic or noteworthy?"

"Well, at first I thought her getting knocked down by the shotgun was a statement about women not being able to handle power the way a man can, as Xander handles the shotgun easily, yet Dawn has to use a pair of handguns, but after the 18 inch comment it's clear that was not the purpose at all; it was just as it read on the surface and gave them an excuse to make the two even more like Ash and Laura, which they seem on their way to becoming."

"Would you say Ash and Laura are archetypes?"

"Yes, but the argument over which one they represent has caused fist fights among my colleagues; but back to the topic at hand. The scene with him showing her how to shoot and later trusting her to protect him was … I don't have the words, it clearly shows his commitment to encouraging her to grow into her own woman, as he trusts her to stand beside him as her own person. We need more shows like this."

"What did you think of the breakfast scene?"

"Shades of King Arthur, but this time Guinevere was packing heat!" she fired back.

"How so?"

"From his response it was clear the woman was playing the role of Morgana Le Fay and attempting to seduce him, by appearing as the woman he loves, but this time the queen was nearby and she dealt with it appropriately."

"What do you think of the extras in the background?"

"Well, all this is live and the extras are, I believe, just normal everyday people that they stumble across while shooting. You can tell they have no idea how to respond, so they try and pretend everything is normal. It really shows how accommodating Californians are and I personally would like to thank them for it."

**0oOo0**

Television Ad: _"Eggo Waffles, now with 50% larger syrup traps! Try regular, buttermilk, and our new blueberry today!"_

**0oOo0**

Joyce met Giles eyes and they both burst out laughing.

After a few minutes Giles regained his breath. "A cigar is just a cigar indeed."

**0oOo0**

Xander had been awake for a little while, holding Dawn and comparing the two lives he recalled, one with and one without Dawn. There was no question in his mind which one was superior. The life with Dawn in it was filled with a lot more smiles and laughter. He hadn't realized how much joy she'd brought into his life just by her very existence. He was just laying there enjoying the closeness when he realized that had to get moving again.

"That was a nice nap," Xander said as he stretched to let her know he was awake.

"Yes it was," Dawn concurred, lying completely atop him.

"But now we have to go."

"Yep," Dawn agreed.

"You don't seem to be moving."

"Nope," Dawn smirked, sounding perfectly content to stay in their current position until the sun burned out.

Xander's hands came up to her sides.

"Don't you dare!"

"Ve have vays of making you move," Xander threatened in a bad German accent.

"If you wanted me to move all you had to do was ask," she purred and ground herself against him, as she slowly moved up till they were face to face.

"Eep!"

"You did want me to move right?" she asked innocently, while staring into his eyes.

"Dawn..." Xander said seriously, after swallowing a few times. "At the moment I am your babysitter and anyone who takes advantage of that position deserves things involving chainsaws."

"You won't always be my babysitter," Dawn said teasingly.

"No, no I won't," he agreed seriously looking her dead in the eyes.

"Just as long as we're clear," she said, kissing him on the end of his nose before sliding off him and standing up.

**0oOo0**

"I'm going to count that as them getting together," Holland said, "it was a clear, no mistake agreement."

"It most certainly was," the necromancer agreed. "They make such a cute couple. Have you sent the wetworks team after them yet?"

"We really can't afford to have one of the teams broadcast across the US while on the job so I sent T'relk."

"The invisible assassin?"

"A bit overkill I admit, but at least he won't show up on film."

"Gentleman's wager says they manage to kill him at least once before he gets them," the necromancer offered.

**0oOo0**

"I think my breasts have gotten bigger," Dawn said, hefting them in her hands.

"Cold shower, cold shower..." Xander muttered, running to the bathroom.

"I hope his left arm doesn't rust," Dawn said grinning evilly, before going outside to check with Ted.

Dawn found Ted outside stacking a corpse on top of a small pile of them like they were cord wood. "Is that an extension cord?"

Ted smiled, a bright orange extension cord coming out of the bottom of his shirt and leading into the motel. "Yes, the number of zombies that show up have kept me too busy to sit down and charge, so I had to improvise."

Dawn nodded. "Have Xander's memories helped you figure out how to behave like a modern man yet?"

"They're still compiling," Ted explained. "The cross indexing alone is still merely a third of the way through."

"I thought you just downloaded them into your head?" Dawn replied.

Ted chuckled. "The original Ted's work was brilliant, but it lacked complex cross indexing and adaption protocols, which is partly why I'm so old fashioned. The system I built to hold downloaded memories has 28.5 times the storage space and is much more complex than my own system, thanks to recent advances in technology and my own experiments, and its storage capacity was still nearly depleted by downloading Xander's memory."

"Wow."

"Wow indeed. Xander's download was several times the size I calculated for a male his age."

"You can say that again," Dawn smirked.

Ted winced.

"Oh, come on! Xander has made far worse puns than that."

"I know, but remember I'm still old fashioned enough that sexual humor coming from a young lady is somewhat shocking. I have to override a number of protocols to keep from admonishing you for improper behavior."

"Oh!" Dawn replied understandingly. "In that case, I apologize for my unseemly behavior and I'll try and behave in a manner more befitting a young lady in the future."

Ted positively beamed at her. "Thank you, you have no idea what that means to me."

"Just out of curiosity, how are you dealing with me dressed the way I am and carrying weapons?"

"With all this sand around us we are obviously at a beach, and what you're wearing is more modest than some of the female swimsuits from my time." Ted smirked. "And as for the guns, this android is 100% American made, the right of the citizens of the United States to keep and bear arms for self protection applies just as much to women as it does men."

**0oOo0**

Xander dried himself off from his third cold shower of the morning and examined his left arm in the mirror. The armor had almost reached his shoulder.

"Giles will know what to do," Xander said hopefully, before dismissing it as unimportant for now.

Dressed and ready to go he unzipped his backpack and looked inside, groaning at what he saw. "Great, now the damn thing is eating my socks."

Zipping the bag closed he decided not to think about it, he could be weirded out after they took care of the problem.

Closing the door behind him he was surprised to find Dawn giggling evilly while spinning a ring of keys on her finger.

"Do I want to know?" Xander asked wryly, knowing that whatever Dawn was giggling about was likely to be both fun and get Joyce upset with him.

"Spoils of war," Dawn declared, pushing the button on the remote for the car alarm and making a red Ferrari in the parking lot beep.

"If you can figure out a way we won't be arrested if a cop runs the tags, we'll bring it," Xander agreed.

"No argument?"

"You defeated a Terakan assassin, by right of conquest everything she had is yours. I'm only concerned about the legal problems," Xander admitted.

"Good. I asked Ted what we could do about that and he called the DMV and had it put in my name. I can't wait to drive it."

Xander plucked the keys from her hand. "You are not a licensed driver, nor do you have a learner's permit. With Joyce's permission I'll teach you to drive on a car that you can destroy, ok?"

"Ok!" Dawn agreed with a smile.

"No argument?"

"No argument. Ted pointed out that the only time you've had me in dangerous situations was if they lessened the overall danger to me. So I knew you'd say no."

"And the reason you're smiling?"

"Because teaching me to drive is going to take weeks of just you and me driving around all by our lonesome," Dawn said with a smirk before heading for the car with a sway of her hips that drew his eye.

"If Joyce or Buffy don't kill me I am a very lucky man," Xander decided.

**0oOo0**

"She's good," Giles said with some admiration. "He's just agreed to a series of dates without realizing it until she pointed it out."

"That was cute," Joyce replied. "But I'm a little worried about the Ferrari. I mean, it'll encourage them to drive recklessly and the insurance will be a nightmare."

"Convince her it isn't the car for her," Giles suggested.

"Convince a teenage girl to get rid of a Ferrari?" Joyce asked incredulously.

"A teenage girl who will soon have a boyfriend," Giles pointed out.

"I'm listening."

"It's typically used by guys to attract girls, so all it'll do is attract girls to drool all over her boyfriend."

Joyce grinned. "Plus there is the problem with the backseat."

"What problem?"

"It doesn't have one."

**0oOo0**

The zombie almost seemed to flinch as it stepped forward.

***THWACK!* **

***THUD!***

The people on the street winced in sympathy, all the while avoiding looking directly at it.

**0oOo0**

"What's wrong?" Xander asked, noticing Dawn's frown as he drove.

"I don't know," Dawn admitted. "I mean the car is nice and all, but I think I preferred Ted's car."

"Why is that?"

"Probably because I could cuddle up with you while you drove, these bucket seats don't have that option."

"True," Xander admitted. "Most modern cars don't have bench seats."

"Then modern cars aren't what I want."

"So, we'll sell the Ferrari and get you your dream car. Tell me what you want in a car."

"The car from Spyhunter," Dawn grinned.

"Unfortunately the weapons and extras on it are illegal." Xander chuckled.

"You've checked?" Dawn asked curiously.

"You're not the only one who wanted that car. Strangely enough the only extra both legal and workable was the most fantastic one in the game."

"You mean?" Dawn asked excitedly.

"Yep, back in the 70s they released a model of car that was also a boat," Xander said with a grin.

"Was it a convertible with a seat that allows someone to cuddle up with the driver? And a large backseat as well?" she asked, crossing her fingers.

"Yep, they run about thirty grand each, but there are always a few on the market, because they look a little goofy."

Dawn grinned. "I'm pretty sure we can get a lot more than 30 grand for this and I like to think of myself as a practical girl, who prizes function over form. Besides, I prefer things little goofy."

**0oOo0**

"She has a point about the car," Harmony said thoughtfully.

"You want the car from Spyhunter?" Cordelia asked.

"Who doesn't?" Harmony asked, surprised. "But I'll settle for the car boat Xander described. Just imagine driving out into the water and getting about a mile from shore and telling the boy you're dating he either gives you an orgasm or he can try and walk home."

"You need help."

"I wonder how many members of the chess club I could fit in the car at once?" Harmony mused thoughtfully.

"The chess club?" Cordelia asked doubtfully.

"Yep, I have it on good authority that none of them can swim."

**AN: Guess who insisted I read him the new chapter so he could type it up?**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 12**

**The Good, the Bad, and the …**

"Do you hear something ringing?" Xander asked.

"Yeah," Dawn replied and began searching for the source of the noise, tracking it down to a cell phone she'd grabbed along with the purse from the demoness.

Flipping it open she held it to her ear. "Hello," she ventured cautiously.

"Hello," a friendly sounding male voice replied, "can I speak to Xander, please?"

"Sure," Dawn replied, handing the phone to Xander. "It's for you."

Xander held the phone to his ear. "Xander speaking."

"Hello Xander," the voice replied, "this is Envy, one of the Terakan assassins after you; I was wondering if I could arrange a duel between the two of us."

"You mean you want me to agree to meet up with you, giving away our position and making us vulnerable?" Xander asked matter of factly, as he wondered who had put the contract on them.

The assassin chuckled and told Xander what they were wearing, the road they were on, and the direction they were heading.

"Ok, but that still means putting myself and Dawn at a place and time of your choosing."

"How about you pick the place?" the assassin suggested agreeably.

"How do you know I won't set up any surprises?" Xander asked curiously.

"Because I will offer you a free pass for your companion. I offer a blood bound promise, no matter the outcome, I will never harm Dawn Summers as long as you meet me for one on one combat."

"What about the third assassin in your triad?"

"He'll give a two hour head start, so his attempt at claiming the prize on your heads will have no effect on mine."

"Hmmm," Xander said, noncommittally as he thought it over.

"Win or lose it removes me as a threat to Dawn," Envy pointed out.

"Deal," Xander said instantly. "How can I contact you when I've found a place?"

"Just stop and wait for me, I'll approach openly and unarmed so we can exchange vows before we begin."

"This seems a bit too good to be true," Xander admitted.

"I'm at my most dangerous at close range, one on one," Envy promised cheerfully. "I'm a decent sniper of course, but that just doesn't seem fair, thus the duel."

"Well, that's very sporting of you. See you there," Xander promised, flipping the phone closed and handing it back to dawn.

"Who was it?" Dawn asked, already having a good idea of what had been discussed just from hearing Xander's side of the conversation.

"Envy, he wanted to set up a duel between us since he feels sniper rifles are a bit unsporting."

"And you trust him?"

"I trust anyone who backs up their words with blood, besides, close range is something I can handle, snipers are a whole other level of difficulty I'm not equipped for at the moment."

**0oOo0**

"You damn fool," Giles worried, having heard both sides of the story, as the AI had enhanced the audio before sending it on. "You're going to get yourself killed!"

"What's wrong?" Joyce asked anxiously. "You said he's handled Terakan's before."

"Last time he knew what he was facing," Giles said, cleaning his glasses, "and he'd come up with a plan to deal with the assassin, this time he's walking in blind."

**0oOo0**

Oz looked down at Willow and decided he was taking her to the hospital now. She was far too pale and had passed out too many times to be healthy.

**0oOo0**

"Xander, you idiot!" Cordelia growled.

"What's wrong?" Harmony asked.

"He's sticking his head in a noose by agreeing to that guy's terms."

Harmony shrugged. "Better his terms than trying to negotiate with a sniper bullet in midflight."

Cordelia stared at her. "Who are you and what did you do with Harmony?"

Harmony rolled her eyes. "I like to play first person shooters, sue me. I'm just saying that sniper's suck and I'd much rather face someone at close range, especially when I have the frag cannon."

"I swear, I don't know you anymore!"

**0oOo0**

"This place looks good," Xander said, as he spotted an old abandoned gas station and pulled in.

"What's so good about it," Dawn asked, taking in the peeling paint and lack of windows and doors.

"It's in the middle of nowhere, so we don't have to worry about innocent bystanders and there's no cover, so we can't be snuck up on."

"So, how're we doing this?" Dawn asked nervously.

"We're playing it straight," Xander said as they got out of the car and Ted pulled in behind them, "we'll both be blood bound and he's offered his word that win or lose, he's just interested in me and the last member of his triad will give you a two hour head start regardless."

"You plan on winning right?" Dawn asked intently, glaring over at him.

"Of course," Xander replied easily.

Dawn grabbed his head and forced him to look her in the eyes. "I mean you plan on walking away from this fight as the victor, not that even in death you won."

"I fully intend to win," he said, seeing the tears forming in her eyes. "Sure I've got it set up so that even if I lose you'll be safer, but that's just in case."

"Promise me," she commanded, not liking what she could see in his eyes.

"I promise I'll do everything I can to return live and well," Xander said trying to placate her.

"How would you feel if I died?" Dawn asked.

Xander was suddenly clutching Dawn to him. "Don't talk like that, you're going to live no matter what gets in our way or who I have to kill, I'd rather die than lose you!"

"And I feel the same way," Dawn declared hotly, holding him tightly. "If you died I'd fight exactly as hard to live as you would if I died."

Xander winced.

"Yeah," Dawn laughed with tears in her voice. "I'll be walking the same road you are, not even death will keep you safe from me. Now look me in the eyes and tell me what you're going to do."

Xander's shoulders slumped as if the weight of the world had just been dropped on them.

"I'm not asking much," Dawn said softly. "I'm just asking that you fight as hard to protect your life as you would to protect mine."

"Ok, but if I become a threat to you I want your word that you'll put me down," Xander said.

"Sure," Dawn said easily, clearing not believing he'd ever be a threat to her.

"I mean it," Xander said firmly, "if I become a threat to you I need you to stop me."

"If you become a threat to Dawn, I'll take care of it," Ted broke in, reminding them that he was there.

**0oOo0**

"Oh dear," Giles said nervously, as he polished his glasses fervently.

"What," Joyce asked.

"I have no idea," Giles replied, "but for Xander to say something like that it worries me."

"What could he do that would make him a threat to Dawn?"

"Any number of things," Giles said worriedly, "he's had access to tomes and grimoires from all over the world and a few others besides. Unless he says something more I have no clues to go on."

**0oOo0**

"Thanks Ted, that means a lot to me," Xander said, relieved and paused before looking deep in thought for a moment before grinning evilly. "I don't suppose you have any rum and tobacco on you?"

"_Voodoo," Giles said, "rum and tobacco are generally used in voodoo ceremonies, although they also work in Amerind ones, but you just need alcohol for them not rum specifically." _

"Will a Cuban cigar and a fifth of whiskey do?" Ted asked.

"I'd prefer rum, but whiskey is fine as long as it's really high octane stuff."

"_Voodoo then," Giles decided, "he must be thinking of calling a spirit to aid him."_

"Its 98 proof," Ted offered.

"That's fine," Xander said. "Do you happen to have a can of octane boost, some ear plugs, a black magic marker and a single castanet?"

_Joyce looked at Giles who shrugged."I haven't a clue," he admitted. "Discordian ritual maybe? No, no inflatable sheep."_

Xander wrote RUM on the back of the bottle with the black magic marker before taking a long drink and refilling the bottle to the top with octane boost.

Ted somehow managed to make a castanet, while they were waiting, from a couple of rocks and a spare bootlace.

Dawn didn't ask what Xander was planning, because she didn't want to break his concentration and she was sure he'd explain after he won.

The confident look in her eyes made him smile as he drew a twenty foot circle in the sand and lit the cigar.

**0oOo0**

"It's like watching the A-Team," Harmony announced, "or maybe McGyver."

"What?" Cordelia asked, confused.

"He gets a whole bunch of little things together and makes a bomb out of them, or something like that. It's a classic MacGyver plot," Harmony explained, "it happens in every episode."

**0oOo0**

Holland raised an eyebrow. "Any idea what spell he's planning on casting?"

The necromancer shrugged. "No idea, but I could swear I saw something similar on last week's MacGyver."

**0oOo0**

Xander was down to the last quarter of the cigar when a man who looked a lot like Fred Murray stepped out of a heat shimmer.

"Fighting circle?" Envy asked.

Xander who had been using the castanet to sing The Masochism Tango finished the verse he was on and nodded. "Two men enter, one man leaves."

"Splendid," Envy beamed. "I'm glad you're approaching this in the proper spirit."

"Always," Xander said as Envy entered the circle and offered his hand.

Xander shook his hand and smiled before they both made a small slice on their palms and joined hands.

"By my blood, I swear that all I want is a battle to the death with Alexander Harris, and that I shall never harm or assist another in harming Dawn Summers," Envy promised.

"I agree to those terms," Xander said, sealing the vow.

Xander starting to circle to the left, causing Envy to start circling to the right.

Envy grinned as his features slowly began changing. "Is this a bad time to tell you that I'm a doppelganger and with just a drop of your blood I can become you?"

Xander's answering grin was almost feral, as he chuckled evilly, his movements becoming more fluid by the second. "You think I'll hesitate, to kill someone who looks like me?"

Envy laughed as they circled. "Not at all, you see unlike your average doppelganger when I copy someone I don't just become all that they are, because I embrace the darkness inside of them I become all they can be!"

Xander's eyes gained an animalistic glow. "Does that include possessions?"

"Only spiritual ones," Envy said before falling to one knee and clutching his head, his fingernails digging in deep enough to draw blood.

Xander's muscles tensed as he prepared to attack, but in a split second Envy was back on his feet again, albeit not moving as smoothly.

"The darkness in men's hearts has always been stronger than the light," Envy growled. "I'm the darkness in you made manifest, you cannot win! I'm stronger, I'm faster, I'm tougher than you'll ever be!"

Xander's eyes were alight with an amber glow that had little humanity and even less sanity in it. "Faster and stronger, maybe..." Xander allowed before he gave off a hyena like laugh that made Envy flinch, "but you ain't even half as crazy."

"What?" Envy asked, never having gotten this response before.

"Besides," Xander continued, ignoring Envy's obvious confusion, "good, bad, I'm the guy with the rum."

Xander's left hand flicked out, tossing the castanet to the side and drawing it to Envy's attention for a split second while Xander tossed the bottle and lit cigar into the air between the two and took aim with his shotgun, which at this range really just meant aiming in the right general direction.

Envy jumped backwards and braced himself as the shotgun went off, easily experienced enough to recognize that what Xander was doing was just a distraction and they were too far apart to get enough penetration for the shotgun to really hurt him, but even as prepared as he was he was almost overwhelmed by the Primal's instincts when the bottle exploded into a large fireball set off by the sparking cigar.

Barely hanging on to his sense of self and blinded by the fireball, he heard a clacking noise to his left and dodged right.

**0oOo0**

Xander lept forward into the expanding fireball with his eyes closed and stuck his left hand as far left as possible, loudly clanking the gauntleted fingers together while aiming down and to the right with the shotgun.

Envy was thrown tumbling outside the circle by the force of the close range shotgun blast, and came to rest face up with a large hole through his chest. It was a testament to how tough he was that he was still alive, if not for much longer.

"It was a good try, if weren't so set on hunting me I would have accepted you into my pack," Xander said as he approached cautiously.

"I … feel … honored," the assassin gasped softly as the light faded from his eyes.

Xander holstered his shotgun as he turned away, his eyes dismissing Ted's presence as unimportant as they settled on Dawn, or rather Dawn's curves. The amber eyed Xander, fragments of glass stuck in his right arm and face with smoke still rising from his singed shirt and hair, stalked toward Dawn with a lustful leer. "About time things went my way."

**AN: Typing by Godogma as always.**


	11. Chapter 11

"You're hurt!" Dawn exclaimed and immediately started fussing over the possessed Xander much to his amusement.

Ted carefully assessed the situation, Xander had warned them that what he was doing could make him a threat to Dawn and his actions during the fight had shown strength and speed beyond the human norm. Still, Xander didn't appear to be hostile to Dawn even if his body language did seem to be a bit more aggressive at the moment.

0oOoO

"Oh dear," Giles worried, paling.

"What?" Joyce asked worriedly.

"Xander was once possessed by a Primal Animal spirit, a hyena to be precise. Under its influence he ate a live pig, assaulted people, almost destroyed his relationship with Willow and …"

"And?"

"He attempted to … sexually assault Buffy," Giles admitted.

"Oh, you had me worried for a moment," Joyce replied.

"What?"

0oOo0

His wounds cleaned, Xander made his move; pressing his body full length against Dawn's he pinned her to the car and covered her mouth with his own.

Ted decided that this may have been what Xander was worried about, and stepped forward only to find the barrel of Dawn's gun in his nose.

0oOo0

"Might as well try to light the sun on fire," Joyce muttered with a hint of amusement.

"Oh!" Giles exclaimed as what she meant sunk in.

0oOo0

"I'll go take care of the corpse," Ted said, figuring Dawn was a better judge of if Xander was a threat to her or not, and not wanting to have to replace his nose.

He winced when he heard the back door of his car open; he just knew they were going to make a mess. Glancing back he saw Dawn push Xander into the back seat before pouncing him.

0oOo0

"Aren't hyenas a matriarchal species?" Joyce asked.

"I believe so," Giles replied.

0oOo0

The Hyena spirit began to turn submissive as the aggressive female atop him set off his instinctive reactions, allowing Xander to push it back down and regain control of himself. "Dawn!" he said as she pulled back to breathe.

"Xander!" she purred and descended upon him again.

Ted stripped Envy of anything valuable and used several special subroutines he'd developed transferred everything Envy owned into Xander's name just as he'd done for Dawn after he'd heard Xander tell her that the winner received all the loser's property.

He made a mental note to make sure that the three Terakan assassins who had previously come to Sunnydale had all their possessions transferred as well.

Popping open the trunk and ignoring the way the car was rocking, he checked on the status of his latest project and was happy to see it was at 92%.

Dawn climbed out of the back seat and slammed the door closed behind her. "Back in control of himself!" she growled, obviously frustrated. "Fricken hyena spirit!"

Envy's eyes suddenly popped open and he slowly climbed to his feet.

0oOo0

Harmony groaned. "That is so cheesy!"

"What?" Cordelia asked.

"Everyone knows you have to cut off the badguy's head or he's just going to come back. Xander's seen Evil Dead, he should know the rules better than this!"

"This is real life, not a movie," Cordelia pointed out.

"It's more like a reality show," Harmony countered, "crossed with a horror movie."

"It's actually happening! There is no script! They aren't actors!"

"Art imitates life."

Cordelia frowned. "I'm not sure if that's really profound or amazingly stupid."

"I'm just saying the rules apply in this situation; if he had cut off Envy's head while he was down he wouldn't have to face him again."

"Point," Cordelia conceded nodding.

0oOo0

Xander groaned and straightened his clothes. He really needed to talk to Joyce before Dawn got too upset with him. Climbing out of the car he approached Dawn who suddenly whipped out her pistols and firing two quick shots – dropping Envy to the ground with most of his nose and the back of his head gone.

"Oh yeah, zombies..." Xander muttered, as he recalled why they had left Sunnydale in the first place just before he found his arms full of sniffling Dawn.

"No longer mad at me?" he asked cautiously.

"I was never mad at you," Dawn said tearfully. "I'm just frustrated because the hyena in you is such a tease. Now be a good boyfriend and hold me, because I hate having to kill things that look like you."

"Barely looked like me at all," Xander said, "it wore green sweaters and had a huge hole in its chest, I lack both those things."

"It's not funny," Dawn said, snickering.

"I'm just saying there's a big difference between me and some foreign knockoff. I bet if you pulled the string on his back he'd say things like 'Give me twinkies,' in a completely unconvincing Xander voice."

Dawn giggled.

"Or 'I laugh at danger, and then I hide until it goes away, dude.'"

"Ok, I feel a bit better," Dawn admitted, "of course if you really want to make me happy …"

"I need to talk to Joyce first, but I believe we have a cell phone with us," Xander said thoughtfully.

Dawn squealed and gave Xander a kiss that almost dropped him as effectively as she'd dropped the zombie him a second ago.

Dawn reminded him of what her mom's cell phone number was and pushed him toward the car.

The slight delay as Xander stumbled to the car and dug out the cell phone proved to be too much, as people all across the US people began calling Joyce and he couldn't get through.

0oOo0

"No, I … Sorry but its … I'm waiting for a call," Joyce said and quickly hung up only for the phone to ring again, after a couple of minutes of talking to fans of the show Joyce sighed and turned off the ringer. There was no way Xander was going to be able to get through.

0oOo0

"No luck," Xander told Dawn, "she's probably busy coordinating the search for Buffy with Giles."

"Fine," Dawn pouted, "but you'd better be paying attention to how patiently I'm waiting."

"But you're not waiting patiently," Xander replied.

"MY POINT!" Dawn yelled, waving a fist in the air.

Xander laughed so hard his sides hurt. "We'll keep trying every half hour or so," he promised when he'd regained his breath.

"You have until midnight," Dawn said, calming down.

"What happens then?" Xander was forced to ask, but Dawn didn't answer she just turned away and returned to the car.

"What do you want done with the corpse?" Ted asked, shaking Xander from his thoughts.

"Huh? Oh yeah, him... If the head was in better condition I could think of a dozen different pranks to play with him, only some of which are felonies," he replied, "as is, make sure no one can connect it to us or mistake it for me."

"Tire iron and some gasoline will take care of dental records and prints," Ted promised as he handed Xander a small bag.

"What's this?"

"Envy's wallet, watch and ring," Ted explained cheerfully, "you'll get a list of bank accounts and properties in the mail sometime next week. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll see to the body."

Xander shrugged and pocketed everything before joining Dawn in the car. "Ted is going to take care of the body, then we're off again. We have an hour and a half until Sloth comes after us."

"Another three chances for you to try to talk to my mom," Dawn said with a grin.

"Yep, then we deal with Sloth and somewhere in there we should call Giles at the Comfort Inn, room 212," Xander said cheerfully, "so we can destroy the book."

0oOo0

Giles groaned as the hotel room's phone began to ring.

0oOo0

Holland shook his head. "It seems a shame they'll get killed before they get a chance to consummate their relationship."

The necromancer nodded. "I'd agree with you, but $20 says she gets impatient and jumps him before the deadline."

"I'll take that bet with a side bet for the same that they get taken out before midnight."

"Done."

AN: Typing by Godogma in between giggle fits.

**Omake**

**Haha, dangly parts!**

"We aren't broadcasting that to the networks, are we?" one of the station hands asked, as they watched Dawn and Xander destroy the shocks on a classic car.

"The FCC would kill us," the programming director said wide eyed. "And I don't mean that as an expression, I mean the FCC would make some calls and we would end up as an overpass somewhere!"

"Then why does it say we are still broadcasting?" the station manager asked nervously.

"Broadcasting to the networks would get us killed, this is for the Pay-Per-View special."

"I'm pretty sure she underage," one of the stage hands pointed out. "I think I'd rather be part of an overpass than a prison bitch for making child porn."

"Relax its being broadcast to a porn studio in LA that is faithfully recreating the scene with 'of age' porn stars on the fly."

0oOo0

"Julie honey, you're up," the director said, waving forward a short brunette who'd been injected with enough silicon to kill a small elephant.

"Send in the stunt cock!" the assistant director called out

A large black man stepped forward, wearing just a flannel shirt and with his left hand painted silver.

"Hold on a second!" the director yelled.

"What?"

"This is our stunt cock, the man chosen to stand in for Xander Harris?"

"Yeah..."

"And you don't see a problem with this?" the director asked

The entire cast and crew of the porn shoot exchanged glances and shrugged chorusing, "No."

"Alright," the director said with a sigh.

The assistant directors eyes lit up. "Ahhhh, I know what you're thinking boss, but don't worry, I've got it covered."

"Really?" the director asked doubtfully.

"Yeah, I got Xander's measurements from a girl that goes to school with him; one Harmony Kendoll," the assistant director said proudly. "And Tyrone's a perfect match!"

"You're up Tyrone," the director said with a shrug. "Make us proud!"

Tyrone licked his right palm and smacked himself on the ass before hurrying into the shot.

0oOo0

"Can you show us the Pay-Per-View feed?" the station manager asked curiously.

The programming director flipped a switch and the stations monitors showed a live feed from the studio in LA.

*boom chicka now wow*

"Not bad," the weather girl said, taking in the set the porn studio had set up to mimic the back seat of Ted's classic car and the performers. "They really did a great casting job."

The station manager blinked. "You don't see a problem with this?"

The TV station's cast and crew took in the scene carefully and chorused, "No."

The station manager shrugged. "Well, it worked for Orgasmo."

**Omake**

**Pop culture observations**

Cameron frowned. "The Ted unit should not have abandoned his duty so easily."

Sarah just raised an eyebrow seeing the show garner such an emotional response from the female terminator unit.

John chuckled. "The Eros Death machine was made for love not war. It's nice to see an android that can do more than just kill people."

"I am superior to the Ted unit in every way," Cameron retorted. "While his form covering may mimic organic tissue, mine is organic tissue. Sexual activity with him actually endangers his partners health, while I have enough knowledge of human coupling techniques to keep my partner in perfect health thru sex alone."

"Well there's an exercise program I wouldn't object to," john snickered.

"That's obscene," Sarah said. "Machines don't belong in the bedroom."

"How many packs of energizers-" john began.

"Finish that sentence and you're grounded till judgment day. I need a drink," Sarah said before leaving.

"So… fully functional you said?"

**Omake**

**The world of tomorrow!**

"Of course then Skynet had the brilliant idea of making sex bots, so humans wouldn't mate with each other and would die out," Bender explained.

"And then what happened?" Fry asked fascinated.

"Well, it turns out you meat bags are pretty irrational. The male android were kind sensitive and caring, just like women wanted, so they cheated on them with human males that treated them like disposable tissues. Yeah, the Homemaker's Obedient Male Option units were all deemed failures and discontinued."

"Well how about the guys? You can't tell me the guys had a problem with female sex bots!"

"The male meat bags were happy as clams… until the female androids got fed up with all the messes they made and went on strike. Even hardwired commands couldn't make them wash underwear with skid marks in it."

"So what happened to Skynet?"

"I think it runs a dating site for robots these days, and its still got a contract with the government to kill off all the humans, but you know how government contractors are, they promise you a death star and try to sell you the moon after they've painted it black."


	12. Chapter 12

Not Exactly What I'd Call Sitting – 14

"I'm on a Mexican radio!" the two sang along with the radio as they headed for LA, at a sedate pace so they wouldn't accidentally crash into any zombies.

Ted winced as he received the feed from the Ferrari and wondered once more how it was possible for two humans to be so out of tune and yet be so completely oblivious to it.

oOo

"Okay, knock fifty grand off the price your parents owe you for a lifetime's supply of ear plugs," Harmony declared, shaking her head.

Cordelia rolled her eyes. "He's no Rick Ashley but he's not that bad."

She groaned, "You three should be banned from singing in public."

oOo

Giles looked over at Joyce who was singing along with them and buried his head under his pillow. "Dear lord, it's genetic."

Joyce ignored him and continued singing, blissfully unaware that the only reason she'd hit the right note was by accident.

oOo

Xander slowed down a bit more as he changed lanes to avoid a crawling corpse that had clawed its way out of the sand.

"They're getting thicker," Dawn noted with a frown.

"I know," Xander replied. "It's getting stronger, open my backpack and check on it please."

Dawn opened the backpack, revealing The Book – its eyes glowed red and it was chanting something that made her skin crawl to hear.

"Stuff its mouth with something," Xander ordered, slowing down even more as he had to make several rapid lane changes to avoid hitting zombies.

Dawn took out a large piece of beef jerky and shoved it in its mouth; the chanting stopped as it chewed on the jerky. "Damn it! That was my last piece too."

"And more bad news," Xander announced, "because of the number of walking corpses we've had to avoid we're not going to make it to LA anytime soon."

"How much time before the next assassin?" Dawn asked.

Before Xander could answer the cellphone she took off lust rang.

"This is Dawn," Dawn answered the phone.

"Time's up!" the voice said cheerfully before disconnecting.

Dawn turned to Xander. "That answers that question, the third assassin is on his way."

"Joy," Xander replied flatly, "keep an eye out. We need a defensible position to deal with him while making sure we aren't swamped by zombies."

The sign up ahead read 'LeMont Boxes and Packing Supply 10 miles', but someone had taken a can of red spray paint and painted 'Abandoned Warehouse' over it.

Xander and Dawn exchanged glances.

"You ever feel like you were in a movie?" Xander asked.

"Yeah," Dawn admitted, "and not the genre I wanted either."

"Romantic comedy?" Xander suggested with a smile.

"Porn, rated triple X," Dawn replied with a smirk, as his eyes shot wide, "only Xander's permitted."

Before Xander could reply the phone rang again.

"Studio Dawn, how may I direct your call?" she replied with a grin, while Xander muttered something about a cold shower. After a second she wordlessly handed the phone to Xander, all trace of a smile gone.

Xander grabbed the phone and listened. "Man sized and that fast? We'll have to risk it, I'm going to floor it and head for the warehouse. Catch up as soon as you can. Bye."

Xander shifted gears and the engine roared as the speedometer climbed.

"What's the what?" Dawn asked, doing a quick weapons check.

"The third assassin, Sloth is a speed demon; we don't have any time to waste, we need to get to ground now."

Ted's car flashed past them like they were standing still. Xander quickly shifted gears to try and keep up as Ted cleared a path for them by plowing through any zombies in the way.

"Bless you Ted," Dawn muttered to which Xander replied with a heartfelt, "Amen."

oOo

The zombie actually had a noticeable groove in its forehead as it climbed to its feet and slowly shuffled forward.

***WHACK!* **

***THUD!***

The zombie's right arm shot straight up as it flipped off the heavens before slowly climbing to its feet again.

oOo

The necromancer shook his head. "That poor zombie."

"Don't you regularly violate the dead in ways both cruel and unusual?" Holland asked curiously.

"Of course," The necromancer replied, "but I never put them through repetitive mindless torture like that."

oOo

Ted's tail lights flashed twice to let Xander know to slow down as they approached the off ramp.

LaMont's had seen better days; plywood had been nailed over the windows of the warehouse, and all the smaller storage and office buildings off to the sides. Scrub grass and weeds grew through cracks in the cement and empty plastic food wrappers bleached white with age blew idly around the property trapped inside the 8' high chain link fence that circled the property.

As Ted opened the gate by the expedient method of driving through it and snapping the chain, Dawn hit redial on the phone and waited for a couple of seconds before hanging up with a sigh.

"Still busy?" Xander asked.

"No signal."

Ted stopped at the loading ramp leading into the warehouse and got out of the car, waving at them to wait, they watched as he did something to open the door before disappearing inside.

The loading bay doors screeched like a woman being murdered as it slowly rose, making the two teens wince and probably scaring off any wildlife in a ten mile radius.

Ted drove his car inside and waved for them to follow.

oOo

"Now that place looks creepy," the necromancer said, shaking his head. "I feel like yelling 'don't go into the basement' at the screen."

Holland chuckled. "I know what you mean, it looks like where business goes to die. The name sounds familiar for some reason though."

oOo

"Isn't that the same warehouse from Revenge of the Killer Surfing Bikini Vampire Girls part VII?" Harmony asked.

"No, but it looks like the warehouse from the re-imaged version of it," Cordelia admitted.

"Re-imaged?"

"Yeah, the director said he was unsatisfied with the final product so he re-shot the whole thing."

"Was it better than the original?" Harmony asked curiously.

"Much, the acting was a bit smoother and there were two full on titty shots," Cordelia replied.

"Titty shots?" Harmony smirked. "Thinking of playing for the other team?"

Cordelia sent her a smoldering look and placed a hand on her thigh. "Is that an offer?"

"No – may – huh?" Harmony stuttered out, red faced making Cordelia fall over laughing.

"You should have seen the look on your face!" Cordelia wiped tears from her eyes. "No, I'm not switching teams, but if I want to put any guy in the right frame of mind without coming on too strong, a movie with a good titty shot does the job."

"Well, slasher movies are good for that," she agreed.

Silence fell for a minute before Harmony spoke up, "You think they'll be OK?"

Cordelia sighed. "I haven't spent a lot of time around Dawn, but if she's anything like Buffy she'll be fine and I like what I've seen of her so far."

"And Xander?"

"Won't stop," Cordelia replied. "You can do anything you like to him, but as long as he has someone to protect you can't stop him. I'm not sure if Death could get him to stop or if it'd just slow him down. It's one of the things I loved about him that infuriated me at times."

"You think he'd pull a Crow?" Harmony asked, picturing Xander in black leather.

"I hope not, he hates mimes even more than Clowns."

oOo

Ted had armed himself with a tire iron as they waited inside the warehouse. Old incandescent bulbs swayed from the ceiling every twenty feet, surprisingly still working but barely relieving the gloom.

Xander cleaned bits of zombie out of the grille of Ted's car, amazed that it didn't have a single dent. "Gotta love fifties craftsmanship."

"How did you know about the assassin?" Dawn asked.

"I got a nice clear signal from a satellite overhead and the odds of it being unrelated were next to nil," Ted explained, "unfortunately we're in a dead zone here, no cell towers installed yet or the one for this area is down at the moment."

"How much time do we have?"

"If it kept up its present speed it should arrive in four minutes and seventeen seconds, but there is always the possibility we lost it or it could only keep up that rate of speed for a short period of time; realistically we won't know when he is going to arrive until he arrives."

oOo

Footprints appeared in the sand, heading across the desert with nothing to make them the wind removed all traces of them moments later leaving the desert empty and quiet except for the walking and in some cases crawling dead.

oOo

Sloth reached Oxnard and looked around, wondering how he'd missed them. Lust's screaming red Ferrari wasn't exactly hard to spot.

Grumbling to himself he entered the nearest bar to ask.

oOo

"It's been ten minutes," Ted announced, "the assassin's not here yet, so I'm going to run outside and shut the gate real fast to slow him down when he does arrive."

"Be careful," Dawn ordered.

Ted grinned. "Don't worry little lady, I may not be able to outrun a cheetah but I am pretty quick on my feet."

They watched from the door as Ted ran for the gate, moving at speeds that would have earned him a speeding ticket inside of town.

"That was a bit patronizing; but very comforting all the same," Dawn said thoughtfully.

"That's because Chivalry is a bit patronizing," Xander admitted wryly.

Dawn looked at Xander in surprise. "I never thought I'd hear you say that."

"In a way it is, because you're treating the opposite sex in a kinder manner than you would your own. In some ways in fact as if they were a child, but what people overlook is that you're treating women that way, not because they're weaker or need to be catered to, but because like children they are to be defended to the death."

"What if I don't feel like having you die defending me?" Dawn asked.

"Doesn't matter," Xander shrugged, "because your job is to die defending our children if and when I fall."

Dawn's eyes grew wide for a moment before she got a happy little smile as they watched Ted chain the gate shut, bending the crowbar to secure it.

oOo

"I think my daughter's panties just spontaneously dissolved."

Giles merely groaned, massaging his temples.

"What? I know my daughter, she takes after me."

oOo

"One man per dozen women is enough to keep the species going, so it's all hardwired in. That's why in an emergency it's women and children first to safety," Xander explained.

"If you guys are the first to go and ready to sacrifice your all for us then shouldn't we women be doing something special for you?"

"Well, you used to let us have a dozen women," Xander said cheerfully with a playful grin.

Dawn smacked him in the shoulder. "You'll take one woman and like it, mister!"

Xander laughed. "Yes ma'am. Anyway, society evolved and we wiped out most of the things that required men to sacrifice themselves, so chivalry is just the last little vestige that reminds us of our roles, since we rarely have to perform them anymore."

oOo

"You know, that explains so much about him," Cordelia said.

Harmony nodded. "Makes a lot of sense too, too bad Dawn won't let him have a dozen women."

"You are such a slut!"

"What? Do you know how hard it is to even get a guy to carry your groceries these days?"

"Still, a dozen?"

"How about five? Three?"

Cordelia whacked Harmony in the head with a pillow.

oOo

Ted arrived as they moved back, and he locked the door behind himself – all the while huffing and puffing like there was no tomorrow.

"How can you be out of breath?" Dawn asked after a minute when Ted finally stopped breathing hard.

"My system isn't designed to exceed my original organic specs," Ted explained. "Sure, I'm stronger but that's just because of the materials used in my construction. I can force myself to increase my speed but I have to breath quickly to cool down."

"We have the strangest things in common," Dawn decided.

"Really?" Ted asked.

"Yep; we both breath heavy to cool down, we both think a 57 Chevy is far superior to a Ferrari and finally, we've both gotten into fights with Buffy for reading her diary."

The three shared a laugh.

"I'm just glad it turned out she wasn't on drugs, it would have broken Joyce's heart," Ted said cheerfully.

"So, what do we do now?" Dawn asked.

"Now we do a little voodoo to keep the zombies off us while we get ready for speedy," Xander declared, "I'm hoping if we make a ritual circle around the book it'll confuse all the zombies by scattering the signal."

"I didn't know you studied magic," Dawn said.

"I haven't," Xander admitted, "I'm going off of things I've seen in comic books and movies with a little working knowledge gleaned from what I've heard Willow talking to Giles and Janna about."

"I am so raiding Giles' library when we get back," Dawn declared firmly before going to retrieve the book.

"Yeah, I have to wing things far too often," Xander said with a sigh.

**Typing by Godogma!**


	13. Chapter 13

It's chanting again," Dawn called out as she looked inside the backpack.

"Gag it with something," Xander suggested as he bandaged the cut on his arm, while Ted drew a pentagram with mathematical precision using a Styrofoam cup of Xander's blood and followed it with a thin line of salt from those little fast-food packets that always collected in everyone's glove boxes.

Dawn searched her pockets and Lust's purse and came up empty of anything chewable to distract the book with. Recalling Xander's suggestion of gagging it, rather than feeding it like she'd planned, she pulled out the pair of panties she'd wore the day before and stuffed them in its mouth.

The chanting immediately stopped and the glow faded from its eyes as it started making happy little sounds as it chewed on her panties.

"Yeah, that's not disturbing at all," Dawn muttered as she zipped the backpack closed and walked over to set it in the middle of the pentagram, careful not to smear the lines.

**o0O0o**

"Will that work?" Joyce asked.

"Well, as the item in is related to death in some way, Dawn's used undergarments being, if you'll excuse the expression, soaked in the essence of that which helps create new life, should render it quiescent for quite a bit longer than the beef jerky did," Giles replied.

"Actually I was referring to Xander's ritual," Joyce said.

"I have no idea, but I shouldn't think so. The power of the pentagram relies quite a bit on the power of the beings invoked. As is I can't say it does anything but look really creepy.

**o0O0o**

Sloth stepped into the bar and watched with interest as Xander had Ted prepare a pentagram to contain the book.

The bar roared with laughter as Dawn gagged the book.

He waved down a waitress, ordered a beer and tipped her an extra twenty to tell him what he'd missed.

**o0O0o**

A pair of footprints terminated at a chain-link fence.

The fence barely quivered as one of the links was quietly pulled apart.

**o0O0o**

"Now the road flares," Xander said as the three stood around the pentagram, which Ted had completed by covering each line in ground up magnesium from a road flare.

"Vulcan, give me strength," Ted intoned, lighting his road flare.

"Artemis, protect your daughter," Dawn added, lighting her road flare.

"Aphrodite, my earlier actions were wrong and your punishment just. Please help us live long enough to experience the fruits of your labor once more," Xander said, lighting his road flare.

"Accept this offering of blood and salt," the three chorused, touching their flares to three equidistant points on the pentagram and setting it alight.

"And please don't let us fuck this up," Xander finished.

"Amen," Dawn and Ted chorused, as the blazing pentagram threw a bright crimson glare on the proceedings.

**o0O0o**

Giles groaned as if in pain.

"So it won't work," Joyce asked, worry coloring her tone.

"Well, all the elements are at least there, but the way they were combined is pure insanity and even if the deities invoked weren't insulted by the lack of formal prayer or the use of modern English rather than the native tongue of their worshippers, the spell will only last as long as the fire remains burning and while candles last for hours, magnesium powder burns out in half a minute at best."

The two watched as the three busied themselves turning the cars around for a quick exit and generally getting ready for battle.

After a couple of minutes, Joyce turned towards Rupert.

"Yes, I noticed," he said not waiting for her to say anything.

**o0O0o**

Ted cracked the door a little and looked out. "A handful of zombies are coming this way, but the few I can see at greater ranges are just standing there."

"Excellent, someone up their likes us," Xander said. "More than they like zombies anyway, which is good enough for me."

"Do you really think so?" Ted asked hopefully.

"Are you having a spiritual crisis?" Xander asked in surprise.

"As an organic I held no doubts that there were powers above that cared for us," Ted explained. "But becoming… being created as an android has shaken my faith a bit. Just because I have the original Ted's memories doesn't mean I have his soul. Do I have a soul or is this all there is for me? Is there an afterlife for me? Is there a silicone heaven?"

"You are fighting the good fight with the only profit to yourself being the knowledge that you've helped others," Xander said. "If that doesn't earn you a ticket upstairs I don't know what does."

"But it's not like it's a big risk for me," Ted argued. "Reanimated bodies lack the strength to do more than superficial damage to me. Helping people and keeping bargains is part of my programming."

"But would you put yourself in danger to help others?" Dawn asked.

"I… I'm programmed to avoid those situations," Ted admitted. "I know for a fact there are situations where Ted would risk his life that I'm programmed not to. He wanted me to continue on forever."

"And you can't break your programming?" Xander asked.

"Much like chivalry, it's hardwired in," Ted said with a sigh.

"Ah, but I can break my programming, I just choose not to," Xander replied.

"I wish I could say the same, but I can't disobey my programming."

"Disobedience is the mark of a soul," Dawn said suddenly.

At the questioning looks, Dawn explained, "Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, ate of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. They disobeyed God and then hid, because they became aware that they were naked. I'm not thinking it was referring to clothes, otherwise we'd probably have militant nudist sects arguing that if Adam and Eve were nudists we'd still be in the Garden of Eden. No, by disobeying God and choosing to be able to choose for themselves, between good and evil, they gained souls which they knew God couldn't help but notice. God couldn't just give them souls, they had to create their own, that's why he put them in the Garden and created the Tree telling them not to touch it."

Xander swept Dawn up in his arms gave her tonsils a thorough cleaning.

"What was that for, so I can do it again," Dawn purred.

"I find intelligent woman sexy," Xander said, "and I've wanted to do that all day."

**o0O0o**

"Her electrolyte balance was completely off and she's a bit anemic. Not a big problem," the doctor explained, waving Oz into Willow's hospital room.

"Good."

"The IV contains a slight sedative as we don't want her to get herself worked up and pass out again before we get things back in balance."

"Can I sit with her?"

"Of course. Now if you'll excuse me, I want to see how… I mean I need to look in on my other patients."

As the doctor left, Oz noted they'd given Willow the same room they'd given Buffy when she'd gotten sick. He could tell because Xander had snuck in a stencil and Oz some paint and they'd worked a whole lot of little crosses into the borders of the wallpaper, trying to make them blend in. Oz gave Willow a kiss on the forehead and grabbed the remote for the room's TV. He might as well see what Xander and Dawn were up to he figured.

**o0O0o**

In a flea bag hotel in Oxnard…

"That is a very perceptive young woman," Linda said looking up from the book she was reading.

"She makes a lot more sense than the Sunday school teacher I had, that's for sure," Faith agreed.

"I've gone through all my reference books and I've found three items that fit the situation they find themselves in, unfortunately not one of the three is a book."

"So the book ain't doing it?

"No it's definitely the center of the phenomenon, we just don't have any references for it."

Faith shrugged. "It looks exactly like the book from Evil Dead and I still say burning it would solve their problem."

"The destruction of the item may simply release the spirit inside it, which would make things even more problematic. Of the three items I was researching for instance, the amulet and the statue both serve to limit the effect. Burning the third item, the mask, would work just fine, but unless you know for sure, it's best not to put everything to the torch."

"Well, that's why you're the watcher and I'm the slayer. Can we hit the titty-bar yet?" Faith asked.

"I told you, not until they show up," Linda said firmly. "Are you sure your slayer dream said to go there?"

"It's either that or I'm turning lesbo and as far as I know I's still driving stick, so the plethora of boobs points to the titty-bar."

"And you're sure it points to this one?"

"Call it a gut feeling. I see titties and beer in our future and hopefully zombies. Besides I really want to meet Xander. I got a feeling my future hinges on us meeting."


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

"That boy is brilliant!" The necromancer said in wonder, as Xander and the group chorused amen.

"How so?" Holland asked, "I mean, I'm not entirely uneducated in spell craft, but I don't see how his spell could possibly work."

"We have Ted, a sentient machine forged by man, appeal to Vulcan the god of fire and metalworking," the necromancer explained, "a follower who is the pinnacle of the craft itself should be all but irresistible to Vulcan and by making the entire pentagram out of flame they gave him complete control over how long the spell would last."

"I can see where that would garner Vulcan's approval, not to mention millions of people being forced to look him up; spreading the word about him not being Leonard Nemoy."

"Indeed, and the request is for Ted alone, despite the fact that all three could reasonably request it for themselves."

"So Vulcan's approval is pretty much a lock?" Holland asked.

"Very much so," The necromancer agreed, "and then they call upon Artemis, a tricky proposition considering that two of the three are male, but and here's where his brilliance shines through again; Vulcan is probably one of the few gods she does not disdain as he, in one aspect or another, is the one who forges her weapons and armor. So since he is so rarely invoked there's no way she'd turn down the rare chance to honor him, and once more we find the request is for not all three of them, but for Dawn alone, the sister of the Slayer."

"I see..."

"And finally, Xander called upon Aphrodite and offers apologies for past transgressions, praises her wisdom in punishment, and simply asks that she help all three of them live long enough to experience her work again. Aphrodite's followers always flatter the hell out of her when calling on her, but not once does he comment on her looks, instead his comments are on her mind and her works."

"So, he's three for three?"

"Yes, and the ending prayer ensured it. It was simple and straightforward, which I'm sure Vulcan and Artemis approved of, and it asks simply for their wisdom and guidance. I'm relatively sure that there isn't one physical aspect of Aphrodite which hasn't been complimented ad nauseum, in fact I believe I heard a rap song last week complimenting her brown eye, but he's probably the first to compliment her on her mind and ask for her wisdom in non-love related matters."

"And how does that help him deal with the book?" Holland asked curiously.

"It doesn't. He seems to have completely forgotten to ask them about it and is simply relying on the empowered circle to confuse the revenants. Of course the gods are great believers in self-reliance, so the fact that he's not asking for their direct help to deal with matters gains him even more brownie points. So, it must be intentional," The necromancer declared.

"So it's brilliance and not dumb luck?"

"It might be a combination of the two, come to think of it, because if he was either that lucky or that smart he probably wouldn't be in this situation to begin with."

0oOo0

With utmost care another link was slowly pulled apart, making a man sized opening in the fence, to ensure not the slightest quiver betrayed the assassin's position.

Over a dozen zombies pushed through the hole in the fence, stumbling over the unseen killer, who was trampled face first into the sand having been too absorbed in his work to notice the silent approach of the mob.

There was a loud crack as a zombie stepped on his neck.

0oOo0

A young boy waited until …

**THWACK! **

**THUD!**

… the zombie was knocked down again, before he ducked underneath the saw horse, despite a nearby adult's attempt to grab him.

As the zombie sat back up the boy quickly slammed a 49ers football helmet on its head and ran off.

0oOo0

"In this life few things are certain," a gray haired older gentleman said, as he strolled through the park.

It's an idyllic scene with children playing Frisbee and old ladies feeding ducks in the background.

"My taxes keep getting higher and I keep getting older. I can't do anything about those two problems, but what I can do is make sure when I'm laid to rest, I get the rest I deserve."

A couple of zombies stumble onto the scene behind him and chaos ensues.

"At the Gray Brothers Mortuary, not only is your casket made of the finest materials, but the concrete that seals it shut is too. Use the Gray Brothers Mortuary, because eternal rest should mean just that."

0oOo0

Ronald turned to John. "Get that kid signed to a contract, I got the 49ers on the line and they're already rushing to get a commercial together to send us."

"You're kidding?"

"Nope, we've got more viewers than the Super Bowl, and this commercial will be shown on the networks. It'll probably cause a rash of high dollar sports ads too."

"So why do we need the kid?"

"A little CYA and because the team wants him to be their new mascot."

"They want a kid to be their mascot?"

"The coach said and I quote, 'Any kid with balls big enough to pull off a stunt like that has more than earned the right to be our mascot – the kid's got heart.'"

"Can't argue with that," The station manager agreed before falling silent for a minute. "This is real, isn't it?"

"It'd take hundreds of people to pull off what we've seen so far and they'd never be able to keep them quiet," The program director replied quietly, "but we can't help them because we aren't heroes. What we are, are the people who can make sure the heroes get a shit load of money when they finish the job."

The manager perked up at that. "Yeah!"

0oOo0

Sloth ordered another beer.

"Weren't you in a hurry sugar?" the waitress asked, as she brought in his beer.

"Honey, when you're as fast a worker as I am, you never need to hurry."

0oOo0

Xander leaned against Ted's car, his arms wrapped around Dawn, just enjoying holding her, while Ted kept an eye out the barely cracked open door.

"The zombies that were headed this way seem to be passing us by," Ted said.

"Good, the less zombies the better."

"I wonder where they're going?" Ted asked.

0oOo0

The dip in the sand, in the shape of a man sized figure with its head at an angle, snapped into a more normal position and the zombie that seemed to be walking on the air a couple of inches above it, fell to the sand like its footing had shifted.

Sand clung to the air, briefly outlining the assassin's shape, before cascading back to the ground.

The zombie climbed to its feet just before its head fell off for no apparent reason.

Footprints in the sand quickly appeared, passing zombie after zombie that seemed to develop the same problem, before they lead back to the gap in the fence, where the newly arrived zombies developed the same symptoms.

0oOo0

The sound of something slapping the ground and the occasional honk came from the back of the warehouse, slowly growing louder and more numerous as Xander stiffened.

Dawn stepped out of his embrace and checked her guns, while Xander growled at the darkness, drawing his machete.

"Xander?" Dawn asked softly.

"Clowns, why did it have to be clowns?" Xander asked. "I HATE Clowns!"

"Clowns?" Dawn asked, as a number of zombie clowns, with their big floppy shoes slapping the concrete, stepped out of the darkness.

0oOo0

"The Taisdale Video!" The necromancer and Holland chorused.

"Of course, now I know why it looked so familiar – Johnny Taisdale: The Clown Killer."

"I remember that case," The necromancer chuckled. "I never laughed so hard in my life, he dressed up like a little boy and killed clowns because of some incident at his fifth birthday party."

"We got it dismissed for lack of evidence," Holland said with a grin, "sure he released tapes but they never found the warehouse."

"Hmmm, this may be a problem," The necromancer pointed out, "we really can't afford to have the skeletons in the company closet coming out on their own."

"We'd get buried by the sheer number of them," Holland agreed.

"It may be in our best interest to insure their survival until they take care of the massed rising."

"Unfortunately we have no way of recalling T'relk, are you sure killing them won't end it?"

"Not really, the only clue we have is the book they're carrying, and that looks more like a prop from Evil Dead than anything else, if not for the fact that its raising zombies not deadites I'd think they'd managed to get a hold of the actual book from a dimension where the book was fact instead of fiction."

"Deadites exist?"

"Not in this dimension, but if they had the book from there it would call them here. No, they are simply raising zombies, so it's much more likely that a local necromancer created the book based on the movie," The necromancer replied. "A poor prank really, it should have least raised perverted skeletons."

"Before I started working here I assumed necromancers were solemn somber types dealing with the line between life and death with the same reverence the Catholic church reserves for high holy days..."

The necromancer grinned. "We do try and project that image, to keep away the riffraff, but to regularly raise the dead requires a sense of humor. I'm not sure why and the more knowledgeable in the craft won't say."

"Why not?" Holland asked curiously.

The necromancer shrugged. "They say it ruins the joke."

0oOo0

Xander's right hand slashed out with the machete, taking off a clown's head while his gauntleted left hand smashed another's skull with frightening ease.

The sounds of huge flopping shoes on the pavement was drowned out by the sounds of falling bodies, as Xander tore into the mass of zombies in grease paint.

Dawn just stared as Xander dissected, disemboweled and decapitated every clown he got within arm's reach of. She'd always thought he was joking when he talked about how evil clowns were, but seeing zombie clowns lurch out of the darkness, bumping into each other and causing their ever present horns to sound off, she realized he was right; the honking undead had to be stopped.

Despite her change of heart concerning clowns Dawn couldn't get within 20 feet of Xander without entering what she was calling 'The Splatter Zone.'

"DIE CLOWN!" Xander roared, as he ripped the arm off of one clown and used it to smash in the head of another.

"I think … I'll let Xander handle this one himself," Dawn said thoughtfully.

"Good call," Ted agreed.

0oOo0

"Wow, he really hates clowns," Harmony mused.

"If you'd been at Xander's fifth birthday party you'd understand why," Cordelia replied wincing as Xander's actions actually made her feel sorry for the zombies.

"I had chickenpox."

"A likely story," Cordelia replied, knowing that Harmony's parents didn't like her mingling with the lower class.

"It happens. Now tell me about Xander's fifth birthday party."

"The Clown came up behind Xander and pushed his face into the cake-"

"I always thought that was a mean thing to do," Harmony interrupted.

"One of the candles went up his nose and he started bleeding," Cordelia continued, "they removed the candle and plugged his nose and got him calmed down when the clown tried to cheer him up by making him a balloon animal … the clown then popped the balloon animal just as he touched it. I have no idea why anyone would find that funny."

"Probably the look on their face."

"Well in this case when it popped it got Xander in the eye."

"Ouch!"

"So we have Xander screaming and holding his eye, the cake is covered in blood, and everyone is panicking now. So Xander was rushed to the hospital and while he was there, the doctor decided it was a perfect time to give Xander all his shots," Cordelia continued to explain.

"Now that's a good reason to hate clowns."

0oOo0

T'relk finished off the zombies and circled around to the back of the warehouse, just because he was invisible and damn hard to keep dead for any real length of time didn't mean he was stupid enough to make it easy for people to find and kill him.

Zombies, that didn't breath or make any noise to let you know they were there, were deliberately excluded from the category of people, as was the Fedex driver, and that crazy guy who was practicing with a javelin down at the park.

0oOo0

"Got any spare paper towels?" Dawn asked Ted, as Xander stood in the middle of a splatter of corpses, drenched in gore and wearing a grin that would have made most vamps start looking for escape routes.

"I believe there are some in the trunk of your car," Ted offered, having looked over Lust's car at Xander's requests, to make sure there were no surprises.

0oOo0

Sloth finished his beer and stood up, being sure to leave a decent tip before he headed out.

Stepping outside, he reached for his magic and tilted time in his favor by a factor of ten, as he began to jog at a steady 50 miles per hour, as he worked the kinks out from sitting and drinking beer his speed multiplied until he was cruising along at over 200 miles per hour.

Everyone Sloth did business with assumed he was at least part demon, even his fellow assassins, but the truth was he was simply a human with a curse.

Some amateur mage had gotten upset that Sloth liked to get up and go jogging every morning, so he'd cursed him.

A simple entropy curse would have caused his body to age and fall apart at an accelerated pace, but after being woken up every morning at 5AM the mage had wanted something harsher, so he'd modified the spell to ensure Sloth wouldn't die right away, but would be forced to perceive every moment as normal time.

Needless to say the effect was not what he'd intended. Sloth had turned around and found himself living in a world of statues; once he'd gotten over the initial shock he'd immediately set out to find out what had happened to him.

In the space of an hour he'd found out about the world of demons and magic and spent the next hour reading everything he could find in a local magic shop.

By 7PM that night he'd learned enough magic to take control of his curse and track down the person who'd cast it on him. He'd killed him in a particularly inventive way, involving a small fruit and a piece of string, before dropping back into normal time.

In a little over 14 hours he'd spent two solid months living in a world of statues.

When word had gotten out about what he'd done, the Terakan's had immediately offered him a place with them and he'd accepted.

Sloth wasn't a speed demon, he was simply a man who liked to jog and had one bad day that had changed his whole life.

0oOo0

T'relk carefully stepped around the pile of clown parts, trying not to disturb anything and give away his position, as he worked his way toward Xander.

"He's coming," Ted said suddenly, drawing everyone's attention.

Before anyone could ask how Ted knew, the door burst open, pushing Ted back, and a red haired man was standing there.

"Alexander Harris and Dawn Summers I presume?" he asked, taking a mailing tube off his back.

"And you are Sloth, I'm guessing?" Xander replied, his left hand reaching for his shotgun.

"That's right!" Sloth replied and his form flickered for a second, as he pulled a flint tipped spear from the mailing tube and launched it at Xander faster than the eye could track.

The spear cut through T'relk without any perceptible loss of speed, before pinning Xander to the side of a shipping crate and knocking the gun from his hand.

"I quite liked Lust and Envy," Sloth said conversationally, "but I guess all good things must come to an end."

"XANDER!" Dawn cried out, ignoring everything else as she ran to him.

"Such a pity," Sloth said as he increased his personal entropy to a hundred times normal and the world slowed around him.

Sighing he pulled out another spear and aimed it at Dawn's back, focusing on his target as he drew back his arm, but as he brought it forward somebody grabbed him.

Moving at 100 times human speed he turned his head and met a fist moving at the same speed coming from the opposite direction.

Dawn reached Xander's side and briefly attempted to pull the spear loose, but she couldn't get a grip with the blue ichor coating it.

"I promised you'd be okay," Xander said, coughing up blood.

"I'm okay," Dawn swore tearfully.

"Don't make a liar out of me," Xander said weakly as his eyes began to close, even as he fought against it.

"I love you," Dawn said, heedless of the blood and gore, she closed her eyes and kissed him one last time.

An amber glow grew in his eyes, the emeralds in Dawn's cat-head earrings reflecting the light and seeming to grow brighter as it faded before they too went out.

"Love you," Xander said softly, as his eyes finally closed and his face went slack.

Dawn turned and walked away, tears in her eyes, not looking back. Finding Sloth with his head turned backwards and Ted sitting on the ground with smoke pouring from his joints didn't even surprise her.

"Ted," she said sadly.

Ted's head turned just enough to face her. "I have a soul," he said in a voice filled with wonder as he went still.

Dawn didn't even look when she heard movement behind her, she simply drew and unloaded her pistol, not wanting to see Xander's face when he came back as a zombie.

Behind her T'relk's invisible body twisted and vanished, as one of Dawn's shots shattered the crystal in his forehead; his one true weakness.

She reloaded and holstered her weapon, before snatching up her backpack, causing the pentagram to go out and headed for her car.

0oOo0

"Xander," Joyce said softly in a mournful tone.

"He'll be missed," Giles said as he held Joyce, unaware of the tears running down his face.

0oOo0

"Hell no!" Harmony snarled.

"What?" Cordelia asked, wiping tears from her eyes.

"I want my happy ending!"

"Sometimes it just doesn't work out that way, not all stories have happy endings."

"If there's one thing that I know, it's that in this life you have to make your own happy endings!" Harmony swore.

Cordelia gave off a bitter laugh. "What can we do about it? We're not exactly equipped to be monster hunters."

"We're rich and we know how to shop, that's all we need."

0oOo0

"That was unexpected," Holland said.

"Agreed, I expected T'relk to be enough to handle the two," The necromancer replied.

"A stroke of luck for us though, we can hold off on any further action until the problem is solved for us."

"Fifty says she shoots at the boy the next time they meet."

"Done, I'm pretty sure that since she shot one zombie Xander in the head she'll have no problem doing it again," Holland said smugly.

**AN: Typing by Godogma, who giggled evilly over the number of death threats he said this chapter would garner. **


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter15**

The doctor sighed. "This is a scene we run into all too often in the female empowerment genre, the male lead is killed off so the female lead can show how much she's grown and that she can stand on her own two feet. I had such high hopes for this movie, but like far too many of the genre it falls into one of the biggest traps."

"Traps?" The host asked, having to speak up to be heard over the weeping of the audience.

"Yes, traps," the doctor offered, "the two biggest traps of the female empowerment genre are what I like to call false empowerment films; the first one as we see here is where they permanently remove the male lead so the female lead can showcase her growth. Believe it or not this is preferable to the second one, in that sort of film they'd have turned him into a loveable clown that tries hard but always fails, like a retarded puppy."

"Ouch."

"Exactly," she nodded, "the only way they'd allow him to stand equal to her is if he were "special" and then they'd pull off some moronic idea, like he was a zombie that kept his brain. The end result of those films is never pretty, because in the end they have to make all the women "special" so no special male is above them, and what kind of message does that send that you only matter if you're special?"

The host winced.

"Exactly, you can't truly raise something up by tearing everything around it down. I believe in equality and that cannot be achieved by claiming superiority."

The host nodded. "What were your thoughts on Xander's speech about chivalry?"

"They are probably the most logical and well thought out reasons for them I've ever heard, the only part he missed was that men often show excessive amounts of chivalry to women they're trying to seduce. So really, chivalry should only be objectionable to women when it comes from men already in relationships."

The host laughed and the audience cheered up a bit.

0oOo0

Dawn shifted gears and pretended the tears in her eyes were from the wind, as she shifted from lane to lane to avoid zombies at speeds more suited to veteran race car drivers than a teen girl who had never driven above 15 miles an hour.

The eyes in her cat's head earrings glittered brightly as the sun began to set.

0oOo0

The trunk of Ted's '57 Chevy popped open and a figure rolled out and climbed silently to his feet, clad only in a pair of white Fruit of the Looms.

He stretched for a minute, checking his range of motion before reaching into the trunk and pulling out a small fire extinguisher.

Walking over to Ted's body, he quickly hosed him down with CO2 before picking his body up and placing it in the trunk.

The trunk closed itself behind him as he turned and surveyed the dimly lit scene. Seeing Xander's body, pinned to the shipping crate, begin to twitch, he strode forward and picked up the machete. Placing a hand on Xander's shoulder he raised the machete and said, "Rest in peace brother, I'll make sure Dawn is safe."

Xander's eyes popped open and he saw the machete, both of them screamed at once, with the one holding the machete jumping back and dropping the blade.

"DON'T DO THAT!" he yelled at Xander. "Damn zombies, not enough you don't let people rest in peace, but you've also got to give people heart attacks now?"

"Not a zombie," Xander rasped out.

"You've got a spear through your chest," he pointed out, "and from the looks of it I'd say it nicked the heart and lungs, you should be dead."

"Dawn needs me," Xander gurgled; taking a shaky step forward as he slowly pulled himself forward.

"Maybe you should stop moving while I see about getting you some medical help?"

"No time," Xander snarled briefly, drawing himself forward, step by painful step, and pulling the green ichor coated spear through himself.

"If you get yourself killed, Dawn will never forgive us," he warned as Xander reached the end of the spear and he had to catch him.

"Just grab our weapons while I try and catch my breath," Xander wheezed, placing a hand over the hole in his chest, "and figure out why there's two of me."

"It'll come to you I'm sure," the second Xander said, helping him sit before he pulled a first aid kit from the car and bandaged the hole in Xander's chest and back.

"I'm good," Xander said after coughing up about a cup of blood, "and I'm feeling better by the minute. Where's Ted and Dawn?"

"Dad's in the trunk, he fried his systems taking out Sloth," the second Xander said as he retrieved Xander's weapons before rolling Sloth. "Dawn's fulfilling your 'last request'."

Xander stood up and wiped his machete on his leg before sheathing it. "Let's go."

"OK, but I'm driving; I have faster reflexes and know where we're going."

"I have pants."

"It's my dad's car," the other Xander shot back.

"Fine."

0oOo0

"The sun is down, my lord," Trick told Kakistos as he rose, "what are your orders?"

"Have you located the Slayer and her Watcher?" the massive, ram horned, vampire asked.

"Yes my lord, I have tracked the two to Oxnard not more than half an hour away… once we clear LA traffic, and the two teens broadcasting that show are on a direct course to them at the moment."

"Excellent, prepare the troops and let us be off."

0oOo0

Linda handed Faith $50. "I really need to stop betting with you."

Faith grinned. "I told you it ain't over until the fat broad gets on the mic and Xander's plugging his ears."

"Any idea who the second Xander is?"

"Robot duplicate," Faith said instantly.

"I think I'll take your word for it."

0oOo0

"Do I need to keep my eyes out for a crow?" X-bot asked.

"It's probably on back order," Xander replied, as he pulled off the bandage to reveal healthy pink flesh.

"No clues as to what happened?"

"Hyena's gone," Xander replied, "but other than that I got no idea."

"No more resisting the urge to order our hamburgers rare?" X-bot queried.

"Bring on the charcoal. So, why did Ted have a premade Xander-bot in the trunk?" Xander asked, figuring it was more likely than envy resurrecting himself.

"He didn't, this car isn't your standard '57 Chevy, it has a limited AI and the trunk actually houses Dad's mobile repair bay," X-bot explained.

"That's how he got repaired!"

"Yep, the car waited until dark and then followed his signal to retrieve the pieces. He was almost completely repaired and in recharge mode when the batteries went dead. He had it working on completing a pair of combat chassis at the time and underestimated the power drain."

"Combat chassis?" Xander asked.

"A man has to be able to protect his family, and since demon's exist that means he needed a body suited for a more rigorous lifestyle. The second was because he wanted a son and he'd rather build than adopt."

"And he died while you were still compiling..." Xander sighed.

"He's not dead," X-bot chuckled, "he's transferring to his new combat chassis because his old body's toast."

Xander perked up. "So we all made it? Excellent! Now we need to call Dawn and let her know we're alive."

"Doing it now," X-bot replied, "we just exited the dead zone."

0oOo0

Dawn picked up Lust's phone, "Hello? Hold on a second," she said as she realized she couldn't hear over the wind. Dropping the phone she screeched to a stop, slammed the car in park, popped open her seat belt, stood on her seat and drew both guns.

Dawn slowly scanned everything around her before bringing up her guns.

X-bot winced. "We didn't give her an uzi did we?"

"No, why?" Xander asked.

"I'm talking to her on my internal cell and she just stopped the car and unloaded both cylinders at once, at speed."

"Is she okay?"

"She just needed to stop and clear some space, so she wouldn't get interrupted by zombies. She's very doubtful about you being alive and has just suggested some anatomical impossibilities for me to occupy myself with while she hunts me down and skin's me alive for pretending you aren't dead."

"Ask her about the hyena," Xander ordered.

"Now she's listening; she reports sharper senses, but no urge for raw meat."

"Thank god!"

"Okay, now she believes. She says this kind of thing could only happen to you. She's taking the off ramp for Oxnard and will meet us at Susie's Strip O'rama."

"A strip club?"

"It's the only place she can see a sign for, from where she is."

"Floor it," Xander replied firmly.

0oOo0

Faith laced her boots tightly. "Make sure you have plenty of ones."

Linda rolled her eyes. "I thought you only drove stick?"

"I still like to look, and making strippers blush is fun."

0oOo0

Harmony held onto the back of the burly biker in front of her as they roared down the road, Cordelia did the same a couple of bikes over. The air vibrated as 32 Harley's drove hell bent for leather toward a strip club in Oxnard.

**AN: Typing by Godogma who said it would be unfair for me to leave you guys hanging the normal length of time it takes for me to put out a chapter.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Sick and Depraved dogbertcarroll Chapter 1. **

**Dogbertcarroll stared at his computer screen as his likeable and attractive comrade began typing... Oh, but that's another story... **

**Not Exactly what I'd Call Sitting Chapter 16**

"It's a male strip club," Linda said in surprise.

"Nah, its co-ed," Faith denied, "see the male and female signs and times? They switch off with the serving staff so you get served by girls when watching guys and vice versa."

"How very egalitarian of them."

"Means you can flirt with the dancers while ordering another round and waiting for them to take the stage again, which increases drink sales and allows people still in the closet to enjoy themselves without coming out."

"They don't seem to be putting a lot of effort into it," Linda noted, eying the dancers.

Faith chuckled. "Everyone's watching Xander and Dawn." She pointed out as the various TV's usually showing sports or introducing dancers were all tuned to Xander and Dawn's adventure.

"Ain't no way you're 21," a large bald white guy who looked like he ate steroids for breakfast said.

Faith grabbed him by the belt and lifted him off the floor. "Neither are Xander and Dawn, you planning on kicking them out when they arrive?"

The man whipped out a cross and frowned when Faith showed no response.

"I'm Faith the Vampire Slayer," she introduced herself, setting him down.

"I'm Roy the cooler for this place," he replied in kind, putting the cross away and adjusting his pants to de-wedge himself. "I know enough to keep vamps out and I've heard of the Slayer, but not much more."

"Dawn and Xander are coming here, followed by a whole lotta zombies," Faith warned him seriously, "you might want to clear out the club."

Roy shook his head. "The only people still here are the dancers and the die-hards, everyone else is off watching the show and you'd be safer with the zombies than trying to clear out the die-hards before closing time."

"Suit yourself," Faith said, "I'm just giving fair warning on what's going to be coming through the door any minute now."

**WHAM!**

The three turned and saw Dawn Summers backing through the door and firing as she went with a big smile on her face even though her eyes were still a bit red from crying. Turning around and holstering her guns Dawn asked rhetorically, "Ever have one of those days?"

"Yeah, just recently I woke up able to tie rebar in knots and I keep having these dreams about girls fighting yellow eyed monsters in the dark," Faith replied, stunning Dawn into silence for a moment.

"Hello, my name is Linda Price," Linda introduced herself.

"British accent," Dawn said thoughtfully, "watcher?"

"Indeed."

"Slayer?" Dawn asked, turning to Faith.

"Yep."

"I'm …" Dawn's voice trailed off as she saw one of the TV's, replaying Xander pulling himself off the spear and being helped by his android duplicate.

"Everything since Xander began telling you that bedtime tale has been broadcast across the USA," Linda offered.

"They think it's a TV show," Faith explained. "Love how you handled Lust and that Sally chick by the way."

"Everything?" Dawn asked paling.

"Nothing with nudity," Linda quickly assured her.

"The parts with nudity were actually less intimate," Dawn said with a sigh. "I really should be having an emotional breakdown over this, but I just don't have the time."

Dawn took off her backpack and handed it to Linda. "See what you can do with this, I'm going to kill some more zombies."

"I'll join you," Faith said, following Dawn out the door and into the parking lot.

Dawn reloaded her pistols, letting the empty shells clatter onto the tarmac.

"Linda has told me about being the Slayer," Faith said as Dawn casually dropped five zombies scattered around the lot, "but I'm still a little unsure about it, what do you think of the Slayer gig?"

"My older sister Buffy is a slayer; so I know a bit about it even if I wasn't supposed to. Most slayers don't last long, the reason Buffy has is because she doesn't work alone and because she doesn't cling to tradition, except in weapons, which is stupid. Bullets may not kill a vamp but they do more than enough damage to make staking them a breeze."

"So Buffy's done so well because she has help?" Faith asked.

"Exactly. I've read her diary and listened while they forgot I was there, so I know what I'm talking about; having someone to watch your back is good but having several is better. Your Watcher can't be everywhere at once, so if you have someone to patrol with they can research the latest threat while you keep the vamp population low."

Dawn casually dropped a dozen zombies, reloading and firing with animalistic grace.

0oOo0

"So, any idea about how you managed to heal so fast?" X-bot asked.

"Well the hyena and me have been fighting each other for a long time, so with it gone I have a lot more energy for healing," Xander said thoughtfully.

"Yeah, so surviving it isn't quite a surprise, but healing the wound in minutes?"

Xander sighed. "No use beating about the bush, it was probably that stuff Sloth coated his spear with though I have no idea why he'd coat it with something that would heal me."

Xander rubbed at the hole in his shirt where the spear had gone in while they rode in silence for a minute.

"So … all my memories?"

"Up to the point where you put on the helmet," X-bot agreed.

"Feelings for Dawn?"

"Love her dearly," X-bot admitted, "but I can edit my memories and emotions so I have it at platonic and holding steady."

"What do you think about the dual set of memories?" Xander asked.

"I think someone pulled an 'It's a Wonderful Life' on us."

"Really?"

"Definitely," X-bot said, "and taking into account the changes Dawn has gone through..."

"Changes?" Xander interrupted.

"She's jumped a year or two ahead in development; I'm an android I notice these things."

"So, what's it all mean?" Xander asked.

"I'm guessing Dawn got a three wishes type of item," X-bot explained, "and it uses the least amount of power needed path."

"What did she wish for?" Xander asked nervously.

"At a guess; true love and for you two to be like Ash and Laura."

"True love?" Xander asked, voice filled with hope.

"Yeah, all it took was showing you what life was like without her; I've looked through our memories and found no compulsions or commands, just slowing growing feelings, so this is a natural development."

"Glad to hear it."

"Dad showed me his memories of the battle; Sloth didn't coat his weapon with anything it just appeared."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying it took you almost dying to transfer the Primal to Dawn, which fits. Dawn gains the Primal allowing her to pull off Laura Croft acrobatics while the removal of the Primal strengthens you a half dozen ways which you'd need to pull off a respectable Ash."

"Well her two wishes have been nothing but good for me so far; I've got Dawn as a girlfriend and I'm becoming Ash, what more could I ask for?"

"Fortune and fame?" X-bot suggested with a shrug.

"I've killed two Terakan's," Xander said, "and claimed their stuff; I doubt I could get richer if I tried and fame sounds like a pain in the ass."

"Legion of zombies aside, I could see us wishing for this," the android pointed out, "maybe we touched something and made some wishes without knowing."

"Yeah," Xander agreed thoughtfully.

0oOo0

"Wish granting items?" Joyce asked.

"It's possible Xander or Dawn came into contact with one," Giles allowed, "however the effects are far too positive for it to be any I've heard of."

"Mostly monkey's paw types?" Joyce guessed.

"Just as it's easier to destroy than create, it's far easier to spread pain and misery than joy. They feed upon emotions so the majority of those things are always cursed."

"What if it used the fear and pain caused by the legion of zombies to grant the wishes of Dawn and Xander?"

"That … makes a lot of sense, but for the fact that the zombies are being treated as little more than an annoyance by the general population thus far."

"So if they manage to destroy the book it won't change them back?" Joyce asked intently.

"What's done is done, it'd take more magic to undo what's been done to them than to leave them be," Giles explained.

"Good."

0oOo0

"Just point and pull," Dawn encouraged Faith, "it's like duck hunt except they won't fly away."

Faith took careful aim and pulled the trigger, flinching when it went off and sending a bullet through the window of an old beat up ford.

"Don't worry, everyone misses on their first shot. Take a deep breath and try again."

Faith nodded and her next shot was right on target, snapping a zombie's head back and dropping it to the ground.

"That's the way to do it!" Dawn said, "and after a while it'll get to be second nature and you won't even need to aim."

With scarcely a pause Dawn double tapped three zombies in quick succession.

"Cool," Faith grinned.

0oOo0

"What do you think of the recent plot twist?" the host asked.

"I approve; not only have they not killed off the male lead, they've expanded the cast with characters both male and female. We also get hints about the main character's back story, as apparently a lot of the drama was caused by Dawn's older sister being called as a Slayer and her, I'm guessing, poor reaction to the responsibilities of the position," the doctor replied thoughtfully.

"And the possibility that this was all caused by a couple of wishes?"

"Most movies are about wish fulfillment in one way or another, but the most important detail is the fact that Xander himself has stated that he may have made those wishes and his android duplicate confirmed that his decision to be with Dawn was his own decision, just made a bit sooner because of recent events."

"Who do you think made those wishes?" The host asked.

"If they're smart it'll never be revealed; leaving it as a good possibility that either or even both made them. What you should be asking is, what's the third wish going to be?" she replied with a grin.

0oOo0

Digger's Gulch Bar emptied as Harmony and Cordelia passed it, the bikers inside mounting up and following the herd.

Born into the wrong era, Steven 'Starchild' Reynolds watched as over a hundred bikes roared past the rest stop he was parked in, his perceptions altered by some of the finest hallucinogens his dealer had been able to score for him.

Taking out a pen and paper he wrote 'a herd of steel stallions thundered by, the sparks from their hooves lighting up the sky; ridden by wolves wearing the skins of men the wild hunt began again. The hunt master gone, a pair of mistresses hold sway dame fortune and lady fashion the hunt now obey.'

Easy Rider paid him twenty five dollars for his poem, entitled 'The Riders of an Ass Kicking.'

**AN:Typing by Godogma!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Sitting 17 **

**(See, he does continue fics … sometimes XD)**

Dawn's eyes snapped to the road and an approaching classic car that was swerving all over the road to run zombies down. As it screeched to a stop and the two Xander's climbed out Dawn took two steps forward and flipped over the hood of the car just in time to be caught by Xander in a heated clinch.

X-bot waited for introductions for about ten seconds, before deciding it would be faster to do it himself, as he doubted the two were going to be noticing anything but each other for a while, "Hi, I was going to have Dawn and Xander introduce us, but they seem to be lost in their own little world about now."

"It's understandable," Faith said wistfully as Xander and Dawn held each other and whispered reassurances into each other's ears. Faith coughed and tried to pretend the last five seconds hadn't happened. "I'm Faith the Vampire Slayer."

"I'm X the Slayer's Guardian," X-bot said offering his hand.

"Slayer's guardian?" Faith asked as she shook his hand.

X nodded but held up a finger. "Hold that thought." He scanned the area and found what he was looking for in a departing male dancer. "Your clothes; give them to me," X ordered in a machine perfect impersonation of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The man squealed like an excited teenage girl and bounced up and down when he saw who was mugging him, "Gladly! Can I get a picture and an autograph too?" he begged as he began stripping.

"Got a camera?" X asked as he accepted a Metallica t-shirt and leather jacket and put them on.

"Hell yeah!" the man replied as he handed over his Levi's and black motorcycle boots, before opening up the duffel bag he'd been carrying and pulling out an identical change of clothes and a Polaroid camera.

Faith chuckled and shook her head as X returned the guy's wallet and the contents of his pockets. "I can't believe you carry two identical outfits."

The man looked over and grinned. "One is lined with Velcro, so I can strip it off, the other is just clothes I wear while serving drinks so the audience can't strip it off me; the local girls get pretty wild after a few drinks."

0oOo0

Kakistos looked out the window of his limo as they moved forward another five inches and stopped. "I hate LA traffic."

Gunshots rang out as a couple of drivers succumbed to road rage and tried to kill each other slowing down traffic even further as the cops had to tow off the two cars that were now missing drivers.

"At least the entertainment's good," Trick offered as what looked to be a middle aged accountant choked the life out of a local gang member on the hood of the limo.

"There is that," Kakistos admitted.

0oOo0

***THWACK!***

The rake struck the zombie and knocked him back a few steps, but the football helmet absorbed the majority of the force of the blow.

***THWACK!***

The zombie stepped forward and the rake knocked him back a couple of steps again, undaunted he moved forward once more.

0oOo0

Linda set the book on the table and examined it for identifying marks, careful not to get her fingers near its teeth as it completed its devouring of Dawn's panties. Pulling a reference volume out of her bag, she quickly rechecked any entries involving books, she'd barely gotten through the first entry before the book's eye's started glowing blood red and it started chanting something in a language that it hurt to hear.

A middle aged man, with the build of someone who'd played high school football before letting himself go to seed, who had been sitting nearby walked over to the table and quickly popped two little blue pills in the book's mouth, before force feeding it a bar of chocolate, and a bottle of Budweiser.

The book's eyes closed and it settled down.

"What did you just do and how did you know it would work?" Linda demanded.

"Two Midol, a chocolate bar and a Bud," he replied, "it's the same thing I do to my wife when she gets that way."

"You're kidding."

"Never marry a redhead," the man replied. "Or sell shoes," he muttered before returning to his table.

0oOo0

"I'm out of ammo," Faith said after she fired her last shot and spun the cylinder.

"Extra ammo is in my backpack with Linda, bring out a box of shells while you're in there," Dawn said, showing she was at least a little aware of the world around her.

"Will do," Faith replied.

X waved her inside. "I'll guard these two till you get back."

Faith walked inside, returning a few moments later just in time to catch Xander whimpering, "Broadcast? Joyce is going to kill me."

Dawn chuckled. "You'll be fine, mom likes you."

"Xander the friend of Buffy and watcher of Dawn she likes," Xander retorted, "I'm not so sure she'll like Xander lover of Dawn."

"Oh please, when she caught me writing Dawn Harris in my notebook all she did was smile and say she was glad I had better taste in men than Buffy does; mom loves you and approves of you."

"Okay, maybe I am worrying a bit much," Xander admitted, "we have any idea why all of this is being televised?"

"At a guess I'd say a wish for fame and fortune," X-bot offered.

"What?" Dawn asked.

"We think one or both of you came in contact with a wishing item," he continued; giving her a quick rundown of what they'd guessed.

Faith dropped several zombies, causing the ones behind them to trip over their bodies.

"So Xander would have fallen in love with me anyway?" Dawn asked, getting to what she saw as the heart of the matter.

"Yeah, just not for a few years."

"Good," Dawn said firmly, "I'm frustrated enough just with a few days delay."

Faith laughed.

"Oh yeah, Faith this is my honey Xander, Xander this is Faith the vampire slayer."

"Nice to meet you Faith, this is X my robot duplicate," Xander replied, making introductions.

"We've met, though he still hasn't explained the slayer's guardian comment," Faith acknowledged.

"I need a purpose," X explained, "and I can't think of a better one than guarding and assisting the slayer."

"That's my boy!" Ted declared proudly, making everyone jump.

"Where did you come from?" Faith demanded while everyone waited for their heart rates to return to normal.

"The trunk," Ted replied, "I finished transferring and assimilating my son's data."

"You really should have packed some clothes in there as well," Xander suggested.

"If you've got it, flaunt it," Ted replied with a grin as he stood there in just a pair of fruit of the looms.

0oOo0

A famous basketball player is shown lacing up a popular brand of new sneakers before dribbling a ball past an opposing team composed entirely of zombies.

Leaping up, he slam dunked the ball, shattering the backboard, and causing all the zombies to fall like their strings were cut.

Facing the camera he smiles. "In the end there's only the quick and the dead, which are you?"

0oOo0

"When did slaying become so commercial?" Willow asked semi-conscious.

"When Dawn and Xander took it to prime time," Oz replied.

"Sell outs," she mumbled before falling back asleep.

Oz leaned over and kissed her forehead, tucking her in before settling back to watch the show once more.

0oOo0

The bikers slowed and stopped as they faced a group a third their size lined up across the road, a great number of weapons evident.

A man with arms as big as most people's legs and a short hafted sledge hammer stepped forth. "Why are you invading our territory?"

The one eyed biker turned to Harmony, a feral grin on his face, "You're up."

Harmony walked forward to meet him, "There's an undead uprising in Oxnard, I mean to stop it," she said.

"A little thing like you?" the man asked doubtfully.

"I'm not that blonde," she snorted at the blonde haired giant, "no, me and my friends."

"And how'd a rich little girl like you manage to make so many … friends?"

"I'm paying for the party afterward," she replied, "I got forty grand of alcohol at wholesale prices on its way for the biggest damn party California has ever seen, I expect the party is going to kill nearly as many people as the battle will."

Cordelia forced herself not to react, but her hand was itching for a stake. She mentally blamed Buffy and Xander for the overly violent protective instincts she'd developed.

"Stand aside or stand and die; those are the only choices you have!" Harmony declared firmly.

"I think I'll take the third option," the man said, raising his hammer, trying to stare her down.

Cordelia forgot she wasn't sitting behind Xander as her hands searched for one of the stakes she was sure Xander always had on him, finding the biker had one in the pocket of his leather jacket, she pulled it out and got ready to move.

Finding not a trace of fear in Harmony's eyes the blonde giant turned around and thrust his hammer skyward, "Guardians mount up!"

Both sides tensed.

"We ride for Oxnard!" the man roared.

Cordelia let out the breath she'd been holding and put the stake back in the man's pocket. She froze for a second as she wondered why he'd have a stake on him.

Taking a closer look at the bikers around them she noted that a lot of the visible tattoos had crosses worked into them and their weapons which she'd thought had been chromed were actually silver … plated at least. Looking at some of the bikers who had just joined them, easy to discern as their jackets had golden dragons sitting in burned down forests on the backs she saw the same patterns of tattoos and silver weapons.

"Eat the rich!" One biker cried out as he revved his engine.

"Buy me dinner first!" Harmony shot back and laughter rolled around the group as they got up to speed.

**AN:Godogma on keyboards, Dogbertcarroll on vocals, neither one on their meds.**


	18. Chapter 18

**Sitting Finis!**

**TM:(He actually finished one... tis a sign … a sign of significance … a portent … a portent of the apocalypse!)**

"You guys head in and help Linda, I got this," Faith said, picking off a zombie with a carefully placed head shot.

"We got this," X-bot corrected her, holding out a hand and receiving Dawn's other handgun and a handful of shells she pulled out of her pocket.

"Have fun!" Dawn chimed, leading Xander and Ted inside.

"So, what's it like being a robot?" Faith asked.

"It has its good and bad points," X-bot said, picking off a zombie. "I've only been one for a couple of hours."

"Oh yeah."

"Missed," X-bot said with a frown before handing Faith some bullets so she could reload.

"I thought you'd be a perfect shot," Faith said surprised.

"Imperfect hands create imperfect tools," X-bot replied philosophically. "Perfection is still pretty much the property of god. I have all the memories I had while I was Xander and becoming an android has changed me I'll admit, but it hasn't made me perfect. I'm still going to make mistakes and screw up… just on a higher level."

Faith chuckled. "And here I was hoping that you were better than us poor humans."

"Some ways yes, other ways no," he admitted. "When it comes to being a loyal friend and protector I can't be beat. If you want to go swimming or get pregnant …"

"I get the pregnant deal, but swimming?" Faith asked.

"I sink like a stone," X-bot said. "I'd make a lousy lifeguard."

"So how are you as a protector? Most of my fights aren't exactly first person shooters like this is turning out."

"Here." X-bot handed her the pistol before walking forward and ripping the bumper off a beat up ford with a broken window.

"Whoa," Faith said, shocked at the casual show of strength.

X-bot calmly waited for a few zombies to close in before demonstrating the kind of violence he was capable of. Two zombies were crushed into the ground and the third, having been launched with a baseball swing, was tangled in the power lines.

"What do you think?"

"You'll follow my lead?" Faith asked intently.

"That's my purpose; to follow and assist you, so you can live to a ripe old age."

"I like to smoke and drink," Faith pointed out.

"If you're not enjoying life you're not living. Life is more than seeing how long you can keep breathing."

"I may have to sacrifice my life to save others."

"I'll do my best to make sure you have other options," X-bot promised. "But if it's your choice I won't stand in your way."

"Cool," Faith said, beginning to smile. "Anything else I should know?"

"I only need a recharge once every four days," X-bot said with a smirk as Faith froze.

0oOo0

"Linda this is Ted and Xander; Xander, Ted this is Linda." Dawn introduced them.

"It's very nice to meet you," Linda said politely. "Now what can you tell me about the book?"

"It's not a book," Xander replied. "It's an African tribal mask. We stuck it inside the leather cover of a family bible to help contain it. The cover mutated into that as soon as it was sealed."

"That's both good and bad," Linda said with a smile. "Though more good than bad. The mask is easy to destroy, you just have to poke out its eyes, but by sticking it inside a holy container you've partially bound it, so we have to deal with that first."

"Told you we should have destroyed it," Dawn said with a smirk.

"Do I tease you when I'm right about something and you're wrong?" Xander asked dryly.

"Yes! And then you do the little 'I was right and Dawn was wrong' dance until I tackle you and tickle you to make you stop."

Xander grinned. "Yep and I'll do it again too."

"I believe I have a spell that will unbind the two so we can destroy it, but it'll take me a bit to find," Linda said interrupting their flirting.

The front doors burst open and Faith and X-bot burst in and locked it behind themselves.

"Problem?" Ted asked.

"About a hundred vamps with swords and a big one that climbed out of a limo. He actually has goat hooves and horns," X-bot said calmly as they returned Dawn's guns.

"Kakistos," Linda said.

"What?" Came the chorus from the surroundings.

"Kakistos, it's Greek for worst of the worst. He must have followed us from Boston," Linda said. "Stakes won't work on him, he's so old his skin is practically rock. If a zombie had put on the mask he'd have become a death god, I don't want to know what Kakistos would turn into."

"Ron I think you're going to want to clear some room, we're going to be fighting in here soon," Faith told the bouncer.

Ron waved and the DJ made an announcement, "If everyone would care to move downstairs into our VIP section we'd really appreciate it, thank you!"

"VIP section?" Faith asked.

"We refitted the fallout shelter below this place like it is up here; occasionally it's used for private parties, but there isn't enough clientele to justify keeping it staffed and open all the time."

"You have a strip club inside your strip club..." Faith said amused, as most of the people moved down stairs.

"Pretty much," Ron agreed. "I wish I could stay up here and help you guys, but I gotta stay and guard the dancers."

"Just keep 'em out of our hair and I'll be happy," Faith assured him, glancing around she saw that the only people that refused to leave were two strippers and a table of four men, one of which had calmed the book earlier.

"Hey look we're TV stars," X-bot said as they watched the scene from outside replay on all the screens.

"Now that is ugly," Xander said as they all got a good look at Kakistos.

0oOo0

Kakistos stepped out of the limo, causing it to rock on its wheels. "Do you feel it?" he asked.

"What is it?" Trick asked.

"Power," the elder demon growled. "I must have it!"

"Open the door," Trick ordered a group of twenty vamps, who were standing ready as vamps piled out of the trucks as they pulled up.

Kakistos strode forward, his hooves sinking slightly into the asphalt with each step.

The wind chose that moment to pick up and the clouds roiled above them.

There was a flash of lightning and Trick said, "I think it's one second for every-"

*RUMBLE*

"…mile between where you are and where the lightning is," he finished.

The rumble continued and grew louder as it rolled on.

"I got no idea what that means," Trick admitted.

The rumble got louder and louder, as hundreds of motorcycles poured onto the scene.

"Ah! It means trouble," Trick continued calmly, as the last of the trucks disgorged its load of vampires.

Thirty ranks of ten vampires each stood ready waiting for the command.

"Kill them!" Kakistos ordered, turning and walking toward the club, where two of the vampires were using axes to hack away at the doors.

0oOo0

"That's a lot more than a hundred vampires," Ted said thoughtfully as he used the peephole to look outside.

"We came inside after we saw the first hundred," X-bot explained.

"Good instincts," one of the men at the table said before going to the bar to grab another round.

"Found the spell!" Linda said. "Xander you're the only one who can perform this one, because it has to be said by an enraged male. It's only three words, so give it a go."

Xander looked from the book and then back to her. "You're kidding me."

"No, they're commonly known because someone put them in a script, thinking they sounded properly alien not knowing what they were," She quickly explained. "Now get angry and unbind that mask!"

Xander's fist clenched as he thought about vampires and what they'd like to do to his family and friends and what they'd already done. Taking a deep breath he shouted out, "Klaatu berada niktu!"

Everyone waited but nothing happened, except the pounding at the door increased.

Dawn picked up the book and read it. "That's not enraged it's engorged."

"Oh!" Linda said. "I must have missed that, I don't have my reading glasses with me and its niktae not niktu," she corrected Xander. "The original actor got it wrong."

0oOo0

"Yes! Vindication!" Bruce Campbell cheered, before grabbing his phone and dialing a number. "Hey Ange, what do you think of a crossover series of movies? I was thinking of having Harrison as our younger selves mentor. Really? You read my mind."

0oOo0

"Engorged?" Xander asked.

"I think they're trying to chop their way through," X-bot said as he stared at the doors.

Dawn pulled Xander down and molded herself against him as her lips sought his; attempting to drive thoughts of anything but her from his mind.

"Ah! Engorged," Faith said. "Those Sumerians were some funky people."

0oOo0

Cordelia was wearing a sparkly white glove covered in tiny silver crosses on her left hand while wielding an oversized silver stake in her right.

Harmony had somehow gotten a leather buckler with a Celtic cross design on it and a spear, both of which looked like they'd seen heavy use in the past.

The two stood back to back as the battle raged around them.

Cordelia's left hand flicked out, backhanding a vamp and leaving a number of small burns on his face as she fended the half blind vamp off with the stake; poking random holes in his torso.

"Shit!" Harmony cursed as Cordelia finally managed to hit the vamp's heart, causing him to crumble to dust.

"What?"

"One eye's got his dumb ass surrounded."

"Not much we can do," Cordelia said, holding up her left hand and causing another weak vampire to look for easier prey.

"Maybe ..." Harmony said as she stabbed the female vamp attacking her in the groin, causing her to freeze in shock long enough to get speared in the heart.

"Maybe what?" Cordelia growled, barely managing to deflect a sword with her stake as the vamp struck blindly, its eyes closed to ward off the sight of the many crosses on the glove.

"Anderson's folly," Harmony replied.

"Are you nuts?" Cordelia shrieked, pushing backward and making Harmony stumble as she avoided another swing. "No one's ever gotten the timing right on that in an exhibition and the only girl to ever work it in practice was a flag girl!"

"I was a flag girl long before I was a cheerleader," Harmony admitted.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Cordelia said gently, grabbing the vamp's sword hand and causing him to drop his blade. Cordelia stabbed the vampire in the chest, cursing as she missed the heart again and slapped at the hand that grabbed her in response.

"I can pull it off!" Harmony swore, stabbing the vamp Cordelia was working on in the throat; dropping him in his tracks while her shield caused another to flinch back from the cross design on it.

"We don't have enough room," Cordelia complained, as she did exploratory surgery on another vamp with her stake.

A number of bikers charged past the pair, driving off the nearby vamps as they tried to reach the older one eyed biker who was encircled and looked like a bear fighting a wolf pack.

"You were saying?" Harmony asked.

"No one likes a smart ass except Dawn," Cordelia snarked. "If you get killed doing this I won't forgive you!"

"I'll be fine," Harmony promised, "but we've gotta do it now or the old man's toast!"

"Fine!" Cordelia knelt down and set her stake on the ground while Harmony walked about fifteen feet away.

"Ready? Okay!" the two chorused as Harmony began to run straight at Cordelia.

"Six, seven, eight..." Cordelia muttered, making a cradle with her hands for Harmony to step onto.

Harmony's right foot hit Cordelia's hands at a run as Cordelia, with perfect timing, wrenched upward, sending Harmony into the air.

They shouldn't have pulled it off; the timing was impossible to get right, the distance was too far … but pull it off they did as Harmony sailed over the ring of vamps surrounding the old biker, his kris blades dripping blood.

The old man roared his defiance to the heavens just before Harmony hit him crotch first, knocking him down, and allowing her to land on her feet surprisingly enough.

The one eyed man lay there in shock as Harmony began to twirl her spear, guarding him and causing a surprising amount of damage to any vamp who got even remotely close.

The bikers on the outside of the circle redoubled their efforts as they saw the old man fall from sight, the heavily muscled blonde man with the hammer literally crushing the skulls of anyone stupid enough to get in his way. It only took a minute for the vamps to be destroyed and when the blonde man saw what was in the center he began to laugh.

The old man was laying prone and staring right up Harmony's skirt as she stood over him.

Harmony didn't notice as she stepped aside and helped him to his feet before running off to rejoin Cordelia.

"Dirty old man," the hammer wielder chuckled.

"Until I'm a dead old man," he replied with a smirk.

0oOo0

Dawn pulled back from Xander breathless.

"He's sure as shit engorged now," Faith said.

"Spell!" Linda reminded them.

"Klatu berada niktae!" Xander chanted, after Dawn reminded him of what he was supposed to be doing.

The book opened its mouth and screamed, shattering glass and driving everyone back as the zipper slowly opened with a sound like ripping flesh, releasing a miasma of evil.

The front doors fell unnoticed in the confusion, allowing Kakistos to stride forward unopposed the mask leaping to his hand as he reached for it.

A wave of power roared through the room, driving everyone to their knees, as the ancient vampire put on the mask.

"This is bad," Linda said, holding Faith, who'd fallen unconscious after being overwhelmed by the amount of power that poured out of the vampire.

"How bad?" the man who'd calmed the book earlier asked.

"We're all dead bad," she replied. "Our only chance is to lure him to holy ground and that's going to be damn near impossible."

"Holy ground?"

"Blessed or consecrated ground; faith is the important part not the religion," she explained. "Holy ground weakens him and makes the mask vulnerable to physical damage."

Xander and Dawn opened fire, but the bullets had no effect on the newborn vampire god who laughed evilly.

0oOo0

"Uh oh!" a biker with overly large horns on his helmet said as the battle paused.

"What do you mean uh oh?" the blonde with the hammer demanded.

"I mean glowing green eyes and a more savage feel to the vamps is not a good thing, someone just fed them a shitload of power."

"Uh oh," he agreed as the vampires attacked with renewed ferocity.

0oOo0

The balding man climbed up on stage, moving between the two short but busty strippers. "Holy ground!" he called out loudly drawing everyone's attention. "Holy ground is the ground beneath your feet where you give thanks for the glory and majesty of God's creations! It is where a man may reflect on life and know that his Creator loves him."

The vampiric god flinched as the man spoke.

"My name is Al Bundy!" he declared, putting an arm around each of the strippers and palming a breast in each hand. "And I say we stand upon holy ground right now, for this is MY TEMPLE!"

Kakistos staggered back, smoke rising from his hooves.

"These silicone filled hooters are my holy symbols!"

The dark being had to throw up an arm to cover his eyes as the girl's breasts began to glow.

"And its watered down beer is my sacrament! Now Bud!" Al called out.

The young man behind the bar rose up and began hosing down Kakistos with beer. "For the boobies!"

"For the boobies!" the other three men in the group chorused, as the beer hissed and burned the demon like acid.

X-bot and Ted ran forward and each grabbed one of Kakistos' smoking arms so he couldn't escape as Xander and Dawn opened fire.

"Take out the eyes!" Linda yelled as their weapons carved chunks out of Kakistos' rocky skin.

Xander ran forward, as his shotgun fell to the ground and speared his gauntleted hand into Kakistos' chest, ripping out his heart.

Roaring, Kakistos flung the two androids aside and kicked out with a hoof, sending Xander flying onto the stage.

"The eyes!" Linda repeated.

Kakistos roared in pain and anger, the hole in his chest slowly closing, despite Bud's continual spray of beer towards it.

0oOo0

Harmony and Cordelia fought back to back, slowed by their many wounds.

"This isn't looking good..." Cordelia panted out, weary and weakened by blood loss.

"Better to go down fighting," Harmony said. "Wolves have a lot more fun than sheep in the afterlife."

"You're my sheep," Cordelia teased, gasping as a sword made it through her guard and cut the side of her neck, unable to keep up with the vamp's enhanced speed.

"Your sheep are wolves," Harmony laughed defiantly, deflecting a sword with her buckler and slashing the wielder's eyes. Unfortunately that left her wide open for the vamp with a spear, who drove forward spitting them both. "Shit!" Harmony said, blood filling her mouth and frothing at her words.

Cordelia saw the spear head as it burst out her stomach, but it seemed a distant worry as blood poured out of the wound in her neck. "Yep," she said as her eyes slowly closed and the vamp closed in.

0oOo0

"I will not fall!" Kakistos roared, the mask's eyes glowing brightly as all his wounds started healing rapidly and he stomped a hoof, making the ground quake.

Trick and his honor guard of vamps who had stayed outside on Kakistos' orders dusted, their necrotic energy going to strengthen and heal Kakistos.

Bud frowned as the tap ran dry and grabbed another, but the only one left was for light beer and he didn't want to risk strengthening it.

"Beer me!" Al called out and one of his friends threw him a bottle of beer. Looking both ways, as if looking for linebackers, Al stepped back and let fly with the bottle, shattering Kakistos' right eye with pinpoint accuracy.

Xander sat up. "Ow," he said blandly, Kakistos' heart still in his left hand.

Dawn, seeing that Xander was okay, turned with her eyes glowing as green as the emeralds in her earrings as she brought up her guns and carefully picked apart Kakistos' right hand with a rapid series of shots, uncovering the mask's remaining eye and obliterating it with her last three bullets.

The mask crumbled and fell apart, leaving an eyeless and pissed off master vampire. "I'll kill you all!" he howled in pain and fury.

Xander pulled a stake from his belt and staked the heart, causing both the heart and Kakistos to explode into dust.

Like all masters past a certain age Kakistos' warped skeleton survived to clatter to the ground, smoke rising from where they touched the blessed floor.

"Is that it?" Bud asked.

Ted looked out into the parking lot where a large group of bikers were dusting themselves off and leaving. "I don't see any vamps or zombies."

"I believe Kakistos actually destroyed his entire bloodline by feeding on the necrotic energy of his line to heal himself," Linda guessed. "I doubt any vampires within a couple of miles survived the draw regardless of pedigree though."

"Mask is destroyed, undead are dead again … I think we're done," Xander said.

"Now we just have to get ahold of mom," Dawn said, "and figure out how we're being monitored and shut it down, because my patience is about at its end."

"Let me," Ted said, tilting his head and closing his eyes.

"What's he doing?" one of the other men in Al's party asked.

"Making a phone call," X-bot explained. "He'll have the operator do an emergency break in to Joyce's line so he can talk to her and get permission for Dawn and Xander to date."

"I think she wants to do a lot more than just date him," Faith said, coming to. "Shit, I missed everything!"

"Just watch the replay," Bud suggested.

Faith watched the monitors as it showed Al jumping up on stage and giving his speech. "Way to keep the male spirit alive!" she cheered.

"Keep the male spirit alive?" Linda asked amused.

"Hell yeah!" Faith said. "When I reach into a guy's pants I don't want to find an empty sack! I want to feel big brass balls!"

"How about titanium?" X-bot asked, making her laugh.

Dawn stared at the screen in shock as it showed her taking out Kakistos. "I wasn't that fast was I?"

"With green glowing eyes," X-bot confirmed.

"Something to worry about later," she waved it off.

0oOo0

Joyce picked up her phone and put it to her ear. "Hello, Ted."

"Let them know we'll have to research the gauntlet and earrings at some point," Giles quickly said. "But they should be fine for now."

"He has my permission and approval," Joyce said. "Giles said the gauntlet and earrings should be fine until we return."

Giles put his head next to hers so he could listen in.

"No driving lessons in hundred thousand dollar cars and no making me a grandmother before they graduate college," she finished. "And Ted, thank you for taking care of my babies."

"I'll let them know," Ted promised, "and it was my pleasure. Bye."

0oOo0

*THUMP!*

The zombie stepped forward once more, but this time he reached out and caught the rake, picking it up and snapping it in half to the cheers of the watchers before turning and vanishing into a dark alley.

0oOo0

"Shouldn't all the zombies have died now that the mask was destroyed?" Holland asked.

The necromancer shrugged. "My master would say it depends on the perversity of the universe; meaning, which would be funnier?"

0oOo0

"Gimme some sugar baby!" Dawn demanded before leaping on Xander.

"Dad, can you do anything about the broadcast?" X-bot asked, wanting to cut the transmission before Dawn completely lost all restraint and care about the world watching… which was getting closer by the second if her actions were anything to go by and Xander's ability to resist was looking to be fading fast as well.

"Sure," Ted agreed, "I would have done this earlier, but I didn't know the signal was being picked up by anyone."

"How was it being broadcast?" Faith asked.

"No idea," Ted admitted, "but the signal is passing through my security system at home before being passed on, so it's simply a matter of using a land line to call in."

"It's gotta be a land line?" X-bot asked.

"Security feature," Ted explained walking over to the pay phone. "Anyone got any change?"

Linda fished some change out of her purse and handed it to the nearly naked android. "I'll have to think of some way you can repay me."

Ted grinned in a way that was more than a little reminiscent of Xander. "I'm sure we can think of a way, if we put our heads together. By the way, do you have any heart problems?"

"He's smooth," Faith snickered.

"Yeah, it's a combination of WD40 and Astroglide," X-bot replied with a grin.

"Steve, Ted?" Al called out to the other two members of his party. "We've gotta split before our wives find out, the broadcast was on all the networks."

"Marcy and Peggy are way behind us," Steve replied, "besides Ted's married to Marcy at the moment, so I'm in the clear."

The human Ted rolled his eyes. "Next year it's your turn to marry her again while I run off."

Al stepped out into the parking lot with the guys following him. "What the hell happened to my car?"

0oOo0

The doctor chuckled as the screen went black behind her.

"What did you think of Al's speech?" the host asked curiously.

"It was uniquely male and rather fitting and to add to what Faith said; women want men who are men, if all we wanted was women with male equipment we'd all be lesbians and buy strap-ons."

The audience roared with laughter.

"So, what was their final wish?" the host asked as the audience quieted.

"To live happily ever after of course," she replied with a smirk.

0oOo0

"That's a wrap," the program director announced, "we've lost the signal."

"Get some reporters to interview the extras on the nightly news and get those contracts to Xander and Dawn," the station manager ordered.

"Already in the works."

0oOo0

Buffy watched as the portal vanished behind her, the crowd of former slaves joyfully dispersing, free once more. Life sucked at times but it had its compensations, she thought to herself, deciding to return home. Even if her mother had kicked her out she could still stay with Willow or make Giles provide some housing. If those two options fell through she was sure Xander wouldn't leave her out in the cold even if his crush on her would make sharing a bed a bit awkward.

"Time to head home," she said wistfully. She needed a Xander hug and some Willow babble and possibly even some Giles watchering.

0oOo0

"What's the verdict?" Thor asked.

"Dead as door nails," Loki replied with a shrug.

"Died on their feet and we had to pry the weapons out of their hands to move them," Odin said proudly.

"How do we bring them back?" Thor asked Loki.

"What? Why are you asking me?"

"You're the bard," Odin pointed out. "How do we resurrect them in such a way that we don't break the rules or allow the Powers to put them back in the grave?"

"Seems like a lot of work for two mortal girls even if they are decent warriors," Loki pointed out.

"The blonde one is floating the bill for the kegger," Thor replied.

"What? Why didn't you say so?" Loki demanded. "Pull a crow on them and have dad's ravens bring them back."

"And when the Power's complain?" Odin asked curiously.

"I'll say we're limited to two at a time, at your discretion and the movie The Crow is based on forgotten Nordic tales."

Odin smiled proudly. "Making our bards responsible for the laws was the smartest thing I ever did."

0oOo0

Scenes of Dawn slowly growing closer to Xander flash on the screen, culminating in their final on screen kiss.

"Inevitability," a voice announced, "the latest fragrance from Calvin Klein."

**THE END**

**AN: Godogma said I was afraid of finishing anything. Then I realized I was putting it off because I couldn't get it perfect – hopefully this will do. **

**TN: Until the … SEQUEL! (BWAHAHAHA!)**


	19. Chapter 19

**Sitting Epilogue: Tying up Loose Ends**

Reruns

Buffy froze in the street in front of a window display of televisions as she saw Dawn and Xander on screen; she'd spent days as a slave in a hell dimension but she forgot all about that as she stared at the screen while Xander told her story … From his point of view. "Don't tell her that!" she groaned as she recalled the frat house episode.

"I gotta get to Sunnydale," she muttered as she watched Xander yell at Dawn to run a few minutes later.

"When are the tapes coming out?" a teenage girl asked a young guy, making Buffy realize there was an entire crowd standing around watching.

"The show just finished a couple of hours ago," the boy replied. "So, I'm guessing a quick release on Friday and then a set with all the bells and whistles a couple of weeks later."

"The show's over?" Buffy asked, wondering what was going on.

"Yeah, this is just the highlight reel," the boy said. "Personally I think filming everything live and posting it was brilliant. The last two days probably had more people watching than anything since the moon landing."

"Ted!" Buffy whispered in horror as he made an appearance ten minutes later.

"I love Ted!" The boy said with enthusiasm. "He's what an android should be, none of that crappy terminator stuff."

"I think I'd rather have a copy of the X-bot," the girl replied with a leer.

'X-bot?' the blonde slayer thought, her face scrunched in confusion.

"I prefer Faith," the boy replied. "Now there's a slayer I could get behind."

The girl laughed. "You'd die from exhaustion."

"And how's your heart health?" the boy flirted back making her blush.

The crowd cheered as Dawn reloaded the gun, making Sally wet herself and flee from the diner.

Buffy paled as she saw Xander release the Primal and it went after Dawn, only to snicker as Dawn proved to be too much for it.

Xander's on screen death made her feel faint, but his resurrection a few seconds later came as less of a shock than she would have thought it warranted; she knew just how stubborn he could be.

Her eyes lingered on X-bot's … frame while she watched the climax of the show.

"I wonder if they'll make a show about the Slayer?" the girl asked.

"Faith: the Vampire Slayer?" the boy mused thoughtfully. "Gotta be better than Buffy."

"You're just saying that because there would be more sex and nudity," the girl teased.

"Less pointless drama," the boy argued. "The whole Angel disaster was beyond obvious before it began."

Buffy winced at that but silently argued that it was only obvious in hindsight as she hurried to gather her things and head home.

Thought and Memory

Cordelia and Harmony were both laid out on a pyre, someone had dressed them in black leather with plain white shirts underneath.

The sun sank below the horizon while hundreds of bikers stood silently in the surrounding desert waiting for something.

With a gasp Cordelia and Harmony awoke and sat up. They'd been laid side by side with their feet at each other's head so the first thing they saw was each other. As their eyes met they each recalled their last moments and groped around for a wooden stake. Simultaneously they staked one another and smiled as they realized their friend had chosen to spare them the fate of being a vampire over saving themselves. As their breath stilled they fell forward with their heads coming to rest on each other's shoulders like embracing lovers.

Groans came from half the bikers while the other half laughed and wads of cash changed hands.

Loki tossed a torch, lighting the pyre and turned to Thor, "I can't believe they did that."

Thor chuckled.

Odin popped a beer and the three waited while the party started around them and the flames climbed up the pyre to lap at the two girls bodies.

"Ahhhh!" the two screamed, scrambling out of the flames with stakes still in their chests.

Odin roared with laughter while Thor and Loki got out sticks and marshmallows.

"What the hell?" the girls chorused.

"You fought and died bravely," Odin said. "So we bent some rules and pulled a crow on you two."

The girls pulled the stakes out of their chests and watched the wounds slowly vanish.

"So we have to avenge our deaths?" Cordelia asked.

"Nah, we dusted those bastards," Thor said as he roasted a marshmallow.

"So what do we have to do?" Harmony asked.

"Party, have fun, wear black leather … stake vamps..." Loki listed off.

"I'm not spending eternity wearing black leather," Cordelia firmly denied. "For hunting vamps? Sure, but not the rest of the time."

"Hey!" Harmony said suddenly. "We can hit on Xander and not have to worry about Dawn shooting us!"

"I've got a better idea …" Sunnydale High's ruling queen said as she waved at someone to toss her a beer.

Wolf in Iron

"Am I a bad friend?" Willow asked Oz.

"Just for a minute there," Oz demurred. "Happens to everyone. Most of the time I'm sure Xander would describe you as his best friend."

Willow squeezed his hand as he sat beside her hospital bed. "You are such a good boyfriend."

"I try," the blue haired werewolf replied modestly. "I am thinking about starting a local chapter of the Church of Al though."

"The Church of Al?" Willow asked, obviously confused.

"It's based on the idea that god loves us and created things so we could be happy," he explained. "It's a new religion."

"That sounds nice," Willow murmured, slowly falling asleep once more.

Watch and Learn

"Now all we have to do is find Buffy," Joyce said.

Giles nodded. "I know where she'll be tomorrow possibly, but not today."

***Knock Knock* **

"Who could that be?" Giles asked, opening the door and finding Buffy there along with several people in suits.

"Buffy!" Joyce exclaimed before sweeping her daughter up in a hug that made Buffy wonder if she really got her strength from being a slayer.

"Can I help you?" Giles asked, eying the suits cautiously.

"My name is Lilah Morgan, I'm with Wolfram and Hart's Entertainment team. I have a couple of papers I need you to sign so we can handle the release of The Show. The college students who filmed it forgot to get your signatures so your minor children could perform in public."

"Wolfram and Hart?" Giles asked coldly, eyes narrowed.

"Yes," Lilah agreed, seemingly unaffected by his attitude. "We need the paperwork filed so we can take care of all the legal details; like making sure the cameramen are paid and the special effects crew patents their work. For instance Xander's paperwork for being adopted by you is just waiting for a final check. We handle everything honest and above board with no-fault clauses for the four of you."

Giles glanced at the contracts she handed him with some surprise.

"No legalese, just one percent for contracted work and only on The Show so it doesn't get lost in … Limbo," she said pointedly.

"I'd hate to have cameras pointed at the wrong things," Giles agreed, signing the contract and passing it on to Joyce. "One percent is more than reasonable."

Joyce nodded and signed, not letting go of Buffy.

"I'll take care of everything else," Lilah promised, accepting the contract back before turning to the rest of the suits who'd been waiting. "Gentlemen if you'll follow me we'll get everything handled quickly."

"So this was an accidental broadcast of a college film?" one of the suits asked.

"Yes, and we aren't going to gouge anyone unless they try and screw my clients by low balling them," she warned.

"I'm actually here to see about signing Xander and Dawn to a three movie deal," one of the others spoke up.

"Once I take care of these gentlemen I'll look at what you're offering. If it's a good deal I'll be more than willing to forward it for their consideration," she promised. "Now, everyone follow me."

"Contracts?" Buffy asked as Giles closed the door. "What's going on?"

"Somehow Xander and your sister had their last couple of days broadcast live," Giles explained. "Wolfram and Hart are quite evil, but much like us, don't want to see the world destroyed by chaos and panic unless they cause it of course. They're going to cover everything up for 1% of the money Xander and Dawn make off the broadcast."

"And adopting Xander?" Buffy asked.

"They're protecting Xander's interests by removing his parents from the equation. I would've adopted him long ago if I thought it would pass."

"Now that all that's been taken care of, can I fall apart?" Joyce asked.

Mark the Spot with X or G

X held a hand up and tilted his head to the side. "I got a call, hold on."

The other three in the car fell silent.

"Dad, I've got a request from Harmony and Cordelia for their own copy of me, since they seem to have been empowered and put into the vamp hunting business," X-bot said.

"How'd they get your number?" Faith asked.

"They asked Thor and Loki," X-bot replied with surprise a moment later.

"I have a backup unit for you in Sunnydale," Ted said thoughtfully from the driver's seat. "I suppose I can handle making another backup for you back home."

"Backup?" Faith asked.

"My main repair bay is underneath the house in Sunnydale; I made sure to transmit all the data I've gathered back there so if these two bodies were destroyed we could reactivate and continue on."

"I'll send them over to pick him up," X-bot said.

"Have them alter his looks a bit so he doesn't get confused with Xander."

"Will do," X-bot agreed.

Faith looked at X-bot. "So … I could have two of you?"

_**T-T-That's all folks!**_

Dawn smirked as they entered the exact same motel room they'd had earlier. "How's the shoulder?" she asked Xander curiously.

"A little sore," Xander admitted. "Too much time firing with too little time resting, then there was the spear through the chest and Cake & Toast kicking me for a field goal."

"How about a back rub?" Dawn offered.

"Really?" he asked.

"Yeah," Dawn said. "I rub you good and long," she said with a bad Chinese accent.

Xander laughed and stripped off his shirt before collapsing face down on the bed.

"Just what every good story needs," she grinned.

"Huh?" he asked, not moving.

"What does every good story need?" she asked, tossing her shirt aside and straddling him; more than happy to get her hands on him.

"A happy ending?" Xander guessed.

"Bingo," she purred. "Massage first though."

**THE END**

**AN: Typing by Godogma, ignore whatever he says there is no sequel! This is IT!**

**TN: Sure … That's what he says now …**


End file.
